Year-Round School Supporters Trying To Make America Uncool

By Sean Patrick

We’ve heard the argument for decades: every school in America should be in session all year long and get rid of the traditional Summer Vacation.

That’s the worst idea we’ve had since Dippin’ Dots. Summer Break is as an American tradition as pretending to sleep through your alarm on Sunday morning to avoid going to church. 

I remember in second grade, my teacher told us how intelligent the children living in Asia were because of their intense and competitive education system. They had 12 hour school days, they didn’t use calculators, they studied all weekend, and worst of all, they were in school all year long (when did they play kickball?). After hearing about all of this, the entire class was content with being inferior to these children when it came to intelligence. Then we practiced making fart noises.  

Fact: When people from the Far East have their mind set on being the best at something, there is no stopping them. This was proven in the Men’s Trampoline event at the 2008 Summer Olympics. The Asians were amazing, and in the end, three of the top four childish male athletes were from China and Japan (the other was a Canadian who was actually jumping for joy after meeting a relative of Wayne Gretzky).

Ironically, the people who are so passionate about eliminating Summer Vacations are neither the students nor the teachers: they are the bitter American workers who hate their jobs and hate people who are able to enjoy the Summer even more. At this time in their lives they have either forgotten how much they cherished their Summers, or they haven’t forgotten how they were forced to spend every Summer at a fat camp in Wyoming

But if you ask the people who experience our education system five days a week, I guarantee that every one of them will passionately oppose the idea of year-round education. Think about it. You’d be taking away their only reason to participate in the process.

Teachers would no longer be able to experience the three-month drunk essential to taming the temper that they acquired during the previous school year.

Kids, particularly from the north and midwest regions of our country, would no longer be able to go outside during the only time of the year where it is tolerable to do so.

Parents would no longer… actually, parents would probably prefer this, but don’t let them ruin Summer Break like they ruined their child’s all-candy-diet idea. 

FACT: American education was designed so mothers could catch up on General Hospital reruns.

Some may argue that children forget the things they’ve learned throughout the school year during Summer Break. That’s incorrect. They don’t forget over the Summer, they forget immediately after they know they don’t need to know it anymore. That useless junk is just taking up the space in the part of their brain that is reserved for Zac Efron trivia and reciting dialogue from Twilight movies, and it is removed as soon as their final exam is completed. 

FACT: If we retained everything we learned about in school, Jeopardy would have an extremely hard time picking between contestants.

(potential line of eligible contestants)

Other countries pride themselves on their intellect, but America… not so much. We like being good at other things, such as pointing out how we’re superior to everyone else, tying cherry stems into a knot with our mouths, and basketball. Think about how mad you get when a U.S. Men’s Basketball team is awarded the silver medal. Our government is forced into declaring war on the country who took home the gold (congrats to the 2000 Olympic Gold Medal Team from Afghanistan). We are the stern but compassionate guardian of the world, and we don’t want other countries to experience the pain that comes with losing at something they’ve tried so hard to be the best in. That’s why we purposely throw the World Cup and Miss Universe contests. 

So to all you communist scholars out there, I ask that you please don’t try and take away Summer Break. Trust me, it won’t make a difference. Students will forget the periodic table regardless if they spend two months at Pebble Beach. Our youth will not be able to remember what the pythagoreon theorem is even if the Fourth of July is spent in the classroom. And our teachers wont become better at their craft if they are forced to do it year-round. In fact, without Summer Break, the teaching profession would take a huge hit. Why would anyone want to be a teacher when there is no Summer Vacation? The job entails getting treated like dirt by other peoples children. It’s like being a tour guide at Nickelodeon Studios. You don’t want to make it into a career… you just do it until you get a chance to steal something from the Jonas Brothers dressing room and then move onto your next job.

Also, please don’t forget about what we would be doing to Alice Cooper. He depends on the residual checks he receives every June for the frequent airtime his song “School’s Out” gets. Don’t make him have to tell his kids that daddy can’t afford the indoor skydiving machine he promised them for Christmas.