Why Heidi and Spencer Broke Up

By Sean Patrick

D-Day has arrived. After a year and some change, America’s super couple has decided to call it quits. No one, including Speidi, is more upset than me. Just a few weeks ago I was praising them for their book and all it has done for my entertainment career. Now they are on a fast track to divorce. Since I always felt like one of their children, I initially acted like any kid going through their parents divorce would and blamed myself.

If my behavior wasn’t so out of control, mommy and daddy would still be together.

If I got better grades, mommy and daddy would still love each other.

If I cleaned my room like they had asked, daddy wouldn’t be psychotic and mommy wouldn’t look like a lion. 

After this brief period of self-accusation, I started to focus on their relationship. The more I examined it, the more reasons I came up with as to why this couple has decided to split.

Spencer’s Flesh Colored Beard

It’s no secret that this beard is gross. Look closely. It looks like a blond fifth graders leg hair. Every once in a while he would shave it off, but somehow this blond catastrophe always found it’s way back to his face. It’s like a boomerang of ugliness. 

The Time Period When Heidi’s Surgery Hadn’t Healed 

Lately, the more I see Heidi, the better she seems to look. But for weeks after she got her surgery she looked odd. I don’t care how strong a marriage is… if your wife is walking around for weeks looking like Michael Jackson, it’s going to affect the passion you once felt for her. 

Enzo

What originally was thought to be the adorable next door neighbor character quickly became Heidi’s new boy toy. Enzo seemed harmless: he liked Wii, hide and seek, and saying the darndest things. But it became obvious that Heidi had more than innocent feelings for this young Italian latchkey kid. For this kids birthday, she threw him a party with an elephant. Nothing says I want to take this relationship to the next level than getting an elephant to show up at someone’s birthday party. It’s like the new promise ring. Once that large mammal showed up to Enzo’s party, Spencer didn’t stand a chance. 

Spencer Becoming a Crystal Addict

I don’t know what crystals are, but I want to stay as far away from them as I can. They turned Spencer into Gary Busey.

Hans-Rudolf Merz

If anyone in this world wants to cause me pain, it’s my nemesis, Hans-RuDORK Merz. Look at his guilty face. What did you do Hansey? Put blonde hair dye in Spencer’s beard comb? Send your veteran super spy Enzo in to play the strings of Heidi’s heart? I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… I never will.