Vancouver Police Mistake Degrassi Jr. High Outrage for Hockey Riot

By Sean Patrick

Seanssabbatical Breaking News!!!

Over a week after Canadians rioted in the streets of downtown Vancouver, authorities have gathered information suggesting that the cause of the mutiny may not have been what they originally thought.

After the Vancouver Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, mayhem broke out all over the city of Vancouver. Angry mobs started fires and turned over cars, quickly transforming beautiful downtown Vancouver into Detroit. While the timing made it appear obvious that the anger was caused by hockey, Vancouver resident George Kessler offered up a different explanation.

“We were all pissed because the A-Channel stopped playing Degrassi Jr. High reruns, ey.”

On the day of Game 7 the population of Vancouver discovered that Degrassi Jr. High, a Canadian teen television drama from the 80s whose reruns had been in syndication for over two decades, was being taken off the air. This news spread throughout the city quickly after 4 pm when the show, which had occupied that time slot for the past 26 years, didn’t air. Cable companies were flooded with phone calls from people demanding to know what had happened to Degrassi.

“It’s the worst day of work I’ve ever had,” said Diana Phyllis, a customer assistance specialist at Red Leaf Cable. “Every call I got people were screaming and crying. One guy even shot himself over the phone. The worst part is that I knew about the cancellation weeks before it happened, but I wasn’t allowed to say anything. The information was considered Level 9 Red Leaf Classified. The day I found out my daughter told me what she wanted for her 10th birthday. She said she wanted me to get off work early so she could watch Degrassi Jr. High with her mother. I almost died right there. But I had to lie to my daughter and promise her we would do that. When she found out the horrific news and knew that I had known about it for weeks she called me a Nazi and ran away. I haven’t seen her since… today’s her birthday…”

After news of the cancellation was confirmed, outraged citizens stormed the streets and started to destroy everything in sight.

“Degrassi Jr. High is everything to us,” exclaimed rioter Frank Jericho, who was attempting to set a cop car on fire. “When my wife walked down the aisle, the Degrassi Jr. High theme song was playing! I named my daughter Spike! Shane even inspired my brother to go into rehab! They can’t do this to us!”

Our American reporter was unable to understand any of these references.

BREAKING NEWS:

 At a press conference held this morning at Rogers Arena, Vancouver Canucks Head Coach Alain Vigneault informed the media that the cancellation of the show contributed to Vancouver’s Game 7 collapse.

“I was told about the cancellation right before we hit the ice. As a motivation tactic, I informed the fellas about it. I thought it would inspire them, kind of like one of those ‘do it for the Gipper’ speeches. But it backfired. The guys just got real depressed, real sad ey. They went out and played with no energy.”

Roberto Luongo, the Canuck’s All-Star goalie, blamed his poor goaltending on the cancellation.

“It’s tough to goal tend with tears in your eyes.”

When a reporter asked Luongo about his thoughts about Degrassi: The Next Generation, the present day remake of Degrassi Jr. High, the goaltender stayed silent for a few moments. Then with tears in his eyes he replied, “Go fuck yourself.”