Top Ten List of the Decade

By Sean Patrick

Lately I have been seeing a ton of Top Ten lists about the past decade: Top Ten Sports Teams, Top Ten Songs, Top Ten Movies, etc. Recently it was suggested that I should create my own Top Ten list of the decade. After thinking it over, I’ve decided to make a list of…

SEAN’S TOP TEN THINGS HE THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN TO HIM BY THE END OF THE DECADE, BUT DIDN’T

10. LOSE MY PASSION FOR LFO MUSIC - When I was 18, I was a closet LFO fan… and by closet fan I mean that my closet was full of the finest LFO paraphernalia. At the time I felt that this was just something that every adolescent boy went through, and I was sure that the obsession would fade. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Today if hear an LFO song I morph into a thirteen year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert:  I faint, I cry, and because I’m so aroused, I feel like I’m finally on my way to becoming a woman. 

9. HAVE A BACHELORS DEGREE IN FILM DIRECTING - So close, yet so far. I was twenty four credits away from becoming the next Steven Spielberg, and here I am today, sitting in a robe at 3pm wondering when I’ll have to start prostituting myself to pay rent. Although I didn’t get my bachelors in film, I did get a degree in English which, unless you are going to be a teacher, is about as useless as a Happy 33rd Birthday card for Brittany Murphy. 

8. I WOULD LIVE IN THE CITY OF SCHAUMBURG - Again, so close, yet so far. Two miles separate me from one of my greatest childhood ambitions. What little boy doesn’t dream about living in Schaumburg, Il? They have Gameworks, Portillos, and a baseball team belonging to the illustrious Midwest Northern League, the powerhouse of the upper-middle northeast Single A Baseball Division. If I lived in Schaumburg I could attend four Schaumburg Fliers vs. Fargo-Moorhead Red Hawks baseball games a year! But because I live in Roselle, Schaumburg’s drug addicted younger step-brother, I don’t feel welcome.  

7. I WOULD OWN MY OWN MINI-VAN - When I was eighteen, I was riding around in my parents’ black 1990 Ford Aerostar mini-van. Besides its lack of reliability and frightening carbon dioxide emissions, it was the perfect automobile. I was sure that in ten years I would own one myself. I don’t. I drive a regular car. It’s very embarrassing for a twenty-eight year old to have to drive around in a vehicle that is not a mini-van. All I can say is, I’m sorry my former eighteen year old soccer mom spirited self… I’ve let you down. 

6. I WOULD BE A SELLOUT - Because of the fame that I predicted I would have, I figured that I would be asked to be a spokesman for various products… and I would accept every single offer. Car batteries, blank cd’s, chicken wire, door knobs, scissors, air pressure… I wouldn’t care. But that didn’t happen. Instead at twenty eight I’m the posterboy for career suicide. 

5. I WOULD STOP GETTING ACNE -

nope

4. I WOULD HAVE AN EXTENSIVE AND FASHIONABLE WARDROBE - 

nope

3. I WOULD RUIN MY CAREER AT A LIVE AWARDS SHOW - Whether it be from making loud farting noises during an emotional acceptance speech or laughing out loud during the “In Memorium” portion of the Golden Globes, I anticipated damaging my film career at an awards show. You think Kanye was bad? Imagine me at the 2009 Oscars interrupting Heath Ledger’s grieving family to announce that, “I’m really happy for you, and I’m going to let you finish… but Josh Brolin in Milk gave one of the best supporting actor performances of all time!” 

2. I WOULD HAVE A CELEBRITY ENTOURAGE - Since I was going to be a filmmaker, I figured I would be surrounded with celebrity friends. Adam Sandler would be my golfing buddy, Bill Murray would be my poker buddy, and Johnny Depp would be the guy who got me into cocaine. Yet here I am, at twenty-eight, and the closest I’ve gotten to making a celebrity friend is when I creeped out Taylor Hicks… and I’m not even sure if he’s considered a celebrity anymore. 

1. I WOULD BE WEALTHY BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS - How far I am from that prediction became very clear to me yesterday, when I got all Oprah’s-favorite-things-excited after winning $4 on a scratch off ticket.

boo yah

Happy New Years Everyone!