Things I Learned From the 2010 Winter Olympics
Olympic Skiers Cannot be Killed – They’re like zombies. These maniacs go down a mountain at over 100 mph, crash into a wall, and walk away like they just had a spill on the bunny hill. I’ve skied once: I fell down while traveling around 6 mph, was convinced that I was going to need to get my leg amputated, and made a vow to never ski again. But Olympic skiers seem to have struck up some sort of deal with Satan.
NBC has No Trouble Displaying Horrific Images – The day the bobsleder died, they replayed that footage like it was the last pitch of the World Series. It was gross. A week later I was watching a speed skating event, and NBC showed six month old pictures of a speedskater after he severed an artery in his leg with a blade from one of his skates. There was blood everywhere! What kind of snuff film lover runs this broadcasting company? I’m surprised that during the USA – Canada hockey game they resisted the urge to cut away to old Hindenburg footage or photos of the Auschwitz death camp.
NBC Has a lot Invested in The Marriage Ref - My god. If I was playing a drinking game where I would have to take a sip of beer after every time a commercial for The Marriage Ref aired, I would have morphed into John Daly.
… speaking of drinking problems, I also learned that I Want to Party With The Canadian Women’s Olympic Hockey Team. I haven’t been able to download any pictures from their post game celebration, but when I see a bunch girls on ice drinking Coors Light, wearing sunglasses that Styles wore in Teen Wolf, and drunkenly driving a zamboni around, I immediately want them to be a part of my life.
Curling is Awesome… For About an Hour – I got really into curling the first day. It’s strategic, it’s a game of inches, it’s… so fucking boring after an hour. HURRY UP! It didn’t help that most of the curling they aired were USA matches, and neither the men or the women are any good. But my lord, curling takes forever. It was like watching the WTTW Channel 11 telethon, only there was no elderly women dressed as cowgirls to laugh at.
Canada Hates The U.S. – Maybe it’s just our hockey team, but even when they weren’t playing the Canadian team, Canadian fans were at the stadium booing the USA team relentlessly. I think of Canada as our adorable little cousin, so it broke my heart to find out that my adorable little cousin hates his cool, dominant older cousin. It’s not like we’ve ever bombed them… and God knows we could. Keep booing us Canada, see what happens. Iraq never booed us…
Russians Do Not Like Losing in Male Figure Skating – Not only that, but they also don’t look as intimidating as they did in the 80’s.
1980s Present
A Wizard Has Granted Bob Costas Eternal Life - This man has not aged a bit since I was born. He’s older than my parents, yet he looks younger than my unborn child. The man defies logic. I’m going to attach a GPS tracking device to his car so I can locate the fountain of youth, where I will find Bob, Ralph Macchio, and Webster playing marco polo.
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