The Do’s and Don’ts of Job Interviewing

By Sean Patrick

If you have a felony in your past,

DO: Make your interviewer afraid of you. Come on, you know you can do it. You’ve been to jail for at least over a year. Summon the inner criminal who shanked your bunk mate for a pack of Marlboro’s and scare the hell out of this person. If your interviewer is afraid, he will have no other choice but to hire you. How do you think O.J. was cast in all those Naked Gun movies?

DON’T: Admit to any wrong doing. If you were in jail for kidnapping, and the interviewer inquires about this conviction, just say, “I did what I had to do.” He’ll think you’re a noble person and will applaud your efficient problem solving skills.

If you have been fired from your previous job for illegally transferring company money into your bank account, 

DO: Make a light hearted Jerry Maguire joke about it. Everyone in the world adores that movie, so when he asks you about the financial mishap with your previous employer, just say, “I wanted the company to SHOOOOOW MEEEEE THE MONEEEEEEEEEEEY!”  Your interviewer will laugh, clap, and hire you on the spot. 

DON’T: Claim that those days are behind you. They’re not. As soon as you get the opportunity to rob them blind, you are going to take it. Don’t lie about it. That would be immoral. If he asks you if those days are behind you, just say, “You had me at hello.” Your interviewer will blush, smile, and hire you on the spot.

If the interviewer is someone from your high school who you harassed and made their life a living hell,

DO: Continue on that path. No one ever does anything regrettable in high school. So you were in the right when you beat this kid constantly until his parents were forced to move out of town. During the interview, show him who the real boss is and sock him in the mouth. Then give him a nuggie, a purple nurple, and stick his head in the toilet. When that is all done, light a cigarette, say, “I’ll see you on Monday,” and walk out of the room. You didn’t even need to get hired… you just hired yourself.

DON’T: Use bad language during the beat down. That kind of talk does not belong in the workplace.

If your in a hurry because a new episode of Days of Our Lives in going to be on in an hour,

DO: Answer every question with a yes or no response. “Why do you want to work here?” “Yes.” “What are your best qualities?” “No.” “Whoa,” your interviewer will think. “He’s in a rush. He must have a hot shot interview after this. We better hire him on the spot or else we’ll miss out on this golden opportunity! ” Boom, you’re hired.

DON’T: Tape Days of our Lives with your VCR. The quality of the picture will be terrible, and important plot lines and sexy dialogue may be lost because of the shoddy VHS tape audio strip. Plus, it’s very unlikely that the recording will even take place at the correct time since you forgot to reset the clock on your VCR.   

If you are hung over,

DO: Tell them. Every employer loves a party person. They have great stories to tell at the water cooler, they embarrass themselves at the company picnic, and they sleep with the weirdest looking people in the office. Plus, with the recent success of the film The Hangover, your hang over will be a great conversation starter. “How are you today?” “I’m hung over.” “Oh, he he, did you wake up with a tiger in your bathroom?” “No, but I did strangle a homeless guy.” Boom, hired.

DON’T: Come into the interview with Taco Bell. I know you crave it right now, but either eat it in the car ride over or wait until after the interview. Sober people don’t enjoy the scent of Taco Bell. To them, it smells like adolescent armpit.