By Sean Patrick
Over two years after Canada hosted it’s 3rd Olympic games, the host countries most celebrated rapper is still salty over what he describes as the greatest injustice since Section 13(1) of the Canadian Human Rights Act (it states that it is discriminatory to communicate by phone or Internet any material “that is likely to expose a person or persons to hatred or contempt” (Canadian problems are adorable)).
“I should have been asked to take part in the opening ceremonies in Vancouver. They invited Wayne Gretzky, Steve Nash, and K.D. Lang, but no Snow? It’s whack! I’m still depressed about it. I’ve been a-licky-boom-boom down for the past two years.”
Snow sprung to stardom in 1993 with his hit single Informer, a song that made Caucasian-Canadian-Jamaican (was that Jamaican?) rap the newest craze. Informer not only taught privileged white kids in the early 90s to act like characters from Cool Runnings, but the song also helped an entire generation of Americans recognize that Canada is a real country. For those reasons, Snow felt that an Olympic Ceremony invite was guaranteed. He was sadly mistaken.
“They didn’t even have the decency to informer me that I wasn’t going to be a part of the festivities. How can they play Snow like that, mon? You know what I’m sayin, eh?”
Gregor Robinson, the mayor of the city of Vancouver, was unaware that the artist felt so slighted.
“I have no idea who you’re talking about.”
By Sean Patrick
Over the years we’ve heard many cute and comical stories involving the Stanley Cup trophy: it ended up at the bottom of Mario Lemieux’s pool, Sylvian Lefebvre’s daughter was baptized in it, Doug Weight adorably let his entire family eat ice cream out of it, and so on.
But if the Stanley Cup could talk, he would have some shocking stories to tell.
While the media adores a good Stanley Cup story, they have long shied away from reporting on the events that would undoubtedly defile the prestige behind the beloved trophy. After a ton of negotiating, I was granted the permission to report on some of these disturbing occurrences.
1997
Mike Vernon, the goaltender for the 96-97 Detroit Red Wings, used the cup to do something that makes Weight’s ice cream story seem even more pansy than it already is: he used it to bury a dead body.
On his way to his hometown of Calgary, Alberta, Vernon struck a hitchhiker on a deserted back road. To avoid the legal hassle that comes with vehicular manslaughter, Veron decided to take care of the problem himself.
He dragged the body deep into the woods to bury it. Not having the proper equipment on him, he was forced to use the Stanley Cup as a shovel to dig a hole big enough to dispose of a human carcass. After an hour and a half the body was completely underground, and to Mike’s relief, he was able to get home in time for Degrassi Junior High.
1990
Petr Klima of the Edmonton Oilers’ 1990 championship team didn’t fill the cup with ice cream: he filled it with illegal pornography.
The Czechoslavakian knew that while his pornography stash was legal in his hometown of Chomutov (a city that prides itself on it’s lax pornography restrictions), it was forbidden in Canada. Since getting his collection through customs was risky, while at home Petr opened up the bottom of the cup, put his illegal content inside, and closed it back up. Unfortunately Klima forgot about this when he got back to Canada, and weeks later, when Gretzky was displaying the cup at his hometown parade, the bottom opened up and the shocking material was spread all over the ground. He was immediately arrested and charged with possession of illegal and disturbing pornographic material. To avoid the stern Canadian legal system, Wayne immediately headed to Los Angeles to play for the Kings.
1942
The 41-42 Toronto Maple Leafs pulled off one of the most amazing comebacks in sports history. After being down 3-0 to the Detroit Red Wings in the finals, Toronto won four straight games to became Stanley Cup Champions. This amazing comeback had a lot to do with the extraordinary play of goaltender Turk Broda. While his clutch performance in the finals is still talked about in Toronto, it’s what he did with the cup afterwards that has made him a national legend.
When Turk brought the cup back to his hometown in Ukraine, he decided to show it off at a local pub owned by his grandfather. All night the trophy was passed around so that the bar regulars could chug their drinks from it. The patrons that were lucky enough to participate in this tradition included many of Broda’s friends, family, and Adolph Hitler.
Yes, you read that right.
Germany was in the process of occupying Ukraine at the time of the celebration, and the Fuhrer happened to take a liking to the establishment that Broda’s grandfather owned. And on the night of Turk’s party, the German leader just happened to be at the bar.
When Hitler asked if he could consume his drink from the Stanley Cup, Broda was too scared to say no. Surprisingly, while most of the crowd decided to drink beer from the cup, Hitler preferred to sip on a pomegranate margarita served ice cold with a mango twist. It has been rumored that because of the difficulty that goes with drinking from the large trophy, Hitler got some of his margarita on his tiny mustache.
