My Favorite Songs to Play on a Jukebox
In a crowded bar, there is one thing that can cause a crowd to erupt into a unified outpouring of jubilation: a perfect song played on the jukebox. I’ve been to a packed bars where hundreds of smiling faces are singing “Sweet Caroline” in unison, and other bars where “Hey Jude” causes the whole crowd to belt out “Na Na Na’s” in every direction. It’s a beautiful scene.
On the other side of the spectrum, I’ve also been to bars where a song is played that causes the bar patrons to become pissed off. These are typically the kind of songs that I request.
When making my song choices, I always seem to find myself selecting a song that I think about 3% of the people at the bar will enjoy, and that 3% typically only includes me and the people I came with. Yet I play it anyways because, a) I kind of like the song, and b) I know how funny it will be when people outwardly complain about it and ask who the dickhead was that paid money to hear it. Since these are some of my favorite moments to have at a bar, I wanted to list my Top Five favorite songs to play on the jukebox.
#5 Who Let the Dogs Out? – Baha Men
Nothing pumps up a crowd like the tune that Rolling Stone Magazine listed as the 3rd most annoying song ever written. When the song comes on, the question isn’t “who let the dogs out?”, it’s “who is the asshole who played Who Let the Dogs Out?” It’s pretty hilarious.
I think what I love most about playing this song is that it’s original purpose was to pump people up at sporting events, yet it does the exact opposite. I think it’s because of it’s Jamaican theme. No offense to the Jamaican culture, but their songs don’t energize me to thrive in sports, or partake in any sort of physical activity. Bob Marley was a great political activist, but when I hear him sing “Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up For Your Rights,” the melody makes me want to sip on a Pina Calada on a beach rather than partake in a political revolution. It’s probably because of the presence of the steel drum.
What I also like about the song is the use of expression, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” It seems like a harmless catchphrase when sung by The Baha Men, but when it’s asked in a real life setting it typically means bad news. If someone approaches you asking “Who let the dogs out,” and you are the one who let those dogs out, then guess what? A group of dogs are lost and/or dead, and it’s all your fault. It’s like being asked, “Who gave great grandma the keys to the monster truck?!” Uh oh.
#4 Nothing Compares to You- Sinead O-Connor
What a lovely ballad. This song is best used in bars heavily populated with men, particularly lonely men who find themselves to be this way because of the way they mistreated women during their lifetime. They go to the bar to escape their women troubles, yet my song choice quickly reminds them of the bald ex-girlfriend that got away.
At a pizza parlor in college, my friend and I put five dollars into a jukebox and requested the song twelve times in a row. The jukebox was unplugged after 2 1/2 straight times of the song being played. It was the best five dollars I spent throughout my entire college career.
#3 Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton
Holy buzz kill. This is one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard, and should only be played at funerals. In fact, it might even be too sad for funerals. Needless to say, playing it in a crowded bar depresses everyone in the room, possibly because most bar patrons haven’t heard it since they tragically lost their step-brother.
Me and another friend of mine once had a competition to see who could play the saddest song on a jukebox at a bar in Iowa. I don’t recall what my pick was, but I do remember that this song was hers. While being played, the bartender actually said out loud, “This song is sad,” making my friend the clear winner of the contest.
#2 Any Song by Annie Lennox
I don’t think I need to explain.
#1 Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer
I don’t know what it is about this song, but if I’m in a public setting, I need to hear it. If I’m in a public setting surrounded by sketchy looking older dudes that possibly could and would murder me, I really need to hear it.
The scarier my surroundings are, the more I find myself needing to hear this love ballad. If I’m sitting next to a man wearing a leather vest and no shirt underneath, I need to hear the expression “Bubble Gum Tongue.” If the guy across from me has a face tattoo, I want nothing more than for us to share John Mayer’s request to “Discover me Discovering you.” If a man whips out a gun at the bar, I won’t run away… I’ll run to the jukebox so we can listen to the John-man confess, “I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase.” I’ve spent more money on playing this song on jukeboxes than I have put into my 401K.
Playing any of these songs on a jukebox is a great icebreaker. For example, when someone demands to know who the homophile is who played Annie Lennox on the jukebox, you can say, “I’m the homophile! What’s your name?”