By Sean Patrick
If you have a felony in your past,
DO: Make your interviewer afraid of you. Come on, you know you can do it. You’ve been to jail for at least over a year. Summon the inner criminal who shanked your bunk mate for a pack of Marlboro’s and scare the hell out of this person. If your interviewer is afraid, he will have no other choice but to hire you. How do you think O.J. was cast in all those Naked Gun movies?
DON’T: Admit to any wrong doing. If you were in jail for kidnapping, and the interviewer inquires about this conviction, just say, “I did what I had to do.” He’ll think you’re a noble person and will applaud your efficient problem solving skills.
If you have been fired from your previous job for illegally transferring company money into your bank account,
DO: Make a light hearted Jerry Maguire joke about it. Everyone in the world adores that movie, so when he asks you about the financial mishap with your previous employer, just say, “I wanted the company to SHOOOOOW MEEEEE THE MONEEEEEEEEEEEY!” Your interviewer will laugh, clap, and hire you on the spot.
DON’T: Claim that those days are behind you. They’re not. As soon as you get the opportunity to rob them blind, you are going to take it. Don’t lie about it. That would be immoral. If he asks you if those days are behind you, just say, “You had me at hello.” Your interviewer will blush, smile, and hire you on the spot.
If the interviewer is someone from your high school who you harassed and made their life a living hell,
DO: Continue on that path. No one ever does anything regrettable in high school. So you were in the right when you beat this kid constantly until his parents were forced to move out of town. During the interview, show him who the real boss is and sock him in the mouth. Then give him a nuggie, a purple nurple, and stick his head in the toilet. When that is all done, light a cigarette, say, “I’ll see you on Monday,” and walk out of the room. You didn’t even need to get hired… you just hired yourself.
DON’T: Use bad language during the beat down. That kind of talk does not belong in the workplace.
If your in a hurry because a new episode of Days of Our Lives in going to be on in an hour,
DO: Answer every question with a yes or no response. “Why do you want to work here?” “Yes.” “What are your best qualities?” “No.” “Whoa,” your interviewer will think. “He’s in a rush. He must have a hot shot interview after this. We better hire him on the spot or else we’ll miss out on this golden opportunity! ” Boom, you’re hired.
DON’T: Tape Days of our Lives with your VCR. The quality of the picture will be terrible, and important plot lines and sexy dialogue may be lost because of the shoddy VHS tape audio strip. Plus, it’s very unlikely that the recording will even take place at the correct time since you forgot to reset the clock on your VCR.
If you are hung over,
DO: Tell them. Every employer loves a party person. They have great stories to tell at the water cooler, they embarrass themselves at the company picnic, and they sleep with the weirdest looking people in the office. Plus, with the recent success of the film The Hangover, your hang over will be a great conversation starter. “How are you today?” “I’m hung over.” “Oh, he he, did you wake up with a tiger in your bathroom?” “No, but I did strangle a homeless guy.” Boom, hired.
DON’T: Come into the interview with Taco Bell. I know you crave it right now, but either eat it in the car ride over or wait until after the interview. Sober people don’t enjoy the scent of Taco Bell. To them, it smells like adolescent armpit.
By Sean Patrick
Celebrity gossip columns are the hottest thing on the internet these days. Perez Hilton, TMZ, E! Online… these sites are visited more often at the work place than any website that updates the status of the company’s stock.
Because I want this blog to be as popular as possible, I am totally willing to spread gossip about celebrities. Unfortunately (fortunately) I don’t live in L.A. where the celebrities are plentiful. Instead I live in Roselle, Il, where the last celebrity sighting was October 23rd, 1993, when Mr. T. took a train through our downtown area (kids still get a day off of school on the anniversary).
Since celebrities are so scarce around here, I decided that I would just gossip about the citizens of Roselle so frequently that they themselves end up becoming celebrities. These are the juicy stories I was able to obtain.
Susan Caught Red Handed!
Susan Gates, an employee at the Citgo Gas Station located at the corner of North and Franklin, was caught counting money today after a customer exchanged it for goods and services. “I had no idea what was going on!” explained the surprised customer. “She just kept counting!” Susan’s reps were confused on what was being reported and declined to comment on the incident.
Grace Late For Work!
Local businesswoman Grace Gole forgot where she put her keys last night, causing her to be late for work. “I just forgot where I put them! Then I found them! It was a relief, but also frustrating!” Her manager was not available to make a statement, but a source that works closely with him is reporting that he is not happy. Yikes!
High School Student Caught Cheating!
An unididentified student at Lake Park High School was reportedly caught cheating on a test today. Sources say it was a male in his teens. “I bet it was Richard Larsen,” claimed former girlfriend Lindsay Rollings. “He’s a dog.” Woof woof!
My Neighbor is Going to The Bulls Game!
My next door neighbor, whose name I have yet to figure out, is reportedly attending the next Bulls home game. I was on the scene as he revealed this information to the other person that was on the elevator with us. We will hopefully have a full update on how it went in the future.
DOG REPORTED LOST HAS BEEN FOUND!
Molly, the most popular puppy is Roselle, was found today after weeks of searching! Meredith Krause, the 26 year old owner of Molly, found the precious puppy dead under her living room sofa. “I’m glad she’s home!” exclaimed an ecstatic Meredith. “What am I saying? She never left home!” Investigators are looking into whether Meredith realizes the puppy is dead.
Phil Caught Jaywalking!
Philip Joseph Getz, better known as PJ’s, was caught jaywalking around 1:32 pm on Tuesday in the Middleton subdivision. The lifelong crossing guard is known as a role model for helping children develop the skills necessary to cross the streets safely at all times. The news sent a shock wave through the community. “I can’t believe this is happening!” cried a parent who wished to remain anonymous. “What am I supposed to tell my kids?!?”
A representative for Getz claims that his client was at his home and was simply crossing the street to get his friend’s mail who is currently on vacation. His friend wasn’t in town to comment.
UPDATE ON HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT CAUGHT CHEATING
Richard Larsen, formally accused of cheating on a test at Lark Park High School by his former girlfriend, reportedly attends the University of Chicago. Although he did not cheat on the test, his history of infidelity is being investigated.
Steven Not in the Mood for Taco Bell!
Local construction worker/Taco Bell enthusiast Steven Defrain asked his coworkers today if they could get something other than Taco Bell for lunch. “I’m just not in the mood for it,” he told one of our reporters. “I had it last night.” Taco Bell has yet to confirm this statement.
