My Last Sports Article

By Sean Patrick

For reasons unknown, the sports website I was writing for has stopped publishing articles. Or maybe they just stopped publishing my articles. Either way, I only had one more article that I haven’t shared with everyone, so I decided I would post it so it wouldn’t go to waste. Keep it mind, it was written before A-Rod hit his 600th home run.

MLB Temporarily Lifts Steroid Ban For A-Rod’s Pursuit Of 600

After becoming more and more impatient, the MLB has decided to temporarily suspend the steroid ban for Alex Rodriguez so he can hit his 600th home run. 

Rodriguez, who has been one home run away from the milestone for over a week and a half, has gone 9-43 in the 11 games he’s played in since he reached 599. His latest effort, an 0-5 performance against the Blue Jays, was what led to the shocking decision. MLB commissioner Bud Selig commented.

“Watching his pursuit of 600 is like watching the ending of the third Lord of the Rings movie: You keep thinking it’s about to be over, but it just doesn’t end. I’m getting tired of it. The league is wasting too much money on specially printed balls, and I’m sick of having to attend Yankee games. They’re scary. So we’re temporarily going to look the other way while A-Rod injects himself with whatever made him hit 57 home runs in 2002. After he hits number 600, the ban will be reinforced.”

While popping a vein and excessively winking, Rodriguez commented on the news.

“I’m insulted by this. I don’t need any substance to hit home runs. I refuse to do it.”

He then high-fived all the reporters and walked into the training room with a gentlemen wearing a black trench coat and fake mustache. 

Other players around the league are furious about the arrangement, including Boston’s David Ortiz.

“That’s unfair! He should have to risk a 50-game suspension like the rest of us! It’s like giving one person permission to kill his wife, but making it illegal for everyone else! It feels like the O.J. trial all over again! You think I don’t want to kill my wife?!?”

Ortiz’s wife was immediately given a 24-hour security escort after these comments were made. Roid rage is suspected.

The Bucket List of Sean Milnamow

By Sean Patrick

My Bucket List

Make a comical special guest appearance on an episode of 16 and Pregnant.

Get gastric bypass surgery and try to beat it by following a strict diet of weight gainer and malt liquor.

Be invited to The White House, but turn it down because that day I’m scheduled to get a perm.

Make a bucket list.

Successfully predict the end of the world and live to tell about it.

Clone an evil version of myself and defeat him.

Rent Bucket List but don’t watch it. Then forget to take it back for a couple weeks and try to get out of the late fee.

Be acquitted of a very serious crime on national television. 

Be found guilty of this very same crime at the civil trial.

Legally change my first name to %.

Be labeled “heroic” by a foreigner.

Be suspended from a chess league because of a positive test for steroids.

Work at a Bath and Body Works until I become the owner. Then once in charge, change the focus of the franchise from lotions, bath items, personal care products and home fragrances to whoopie cushions and fart machines.

Go to Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel and wear a blindfold throughout the entire visit. 

Adopt a Kenyan and make him the slowest runner at his school.