Mission Accomplished: The Day I Conquered My Childhood Dream
Before reading this, be forewarned that this is my dweebiest blog to date
The Main Focus is a Video Game
I use the term “gamer”
I use the term “game wizard”
There is a Star Wars Episode III reference
I admit to almost seeing a Disney movie by myself
Please enjoy. And don’t judge.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!
With this sabbatical I made various goals for myself. Some goals were pretty lofty (win the lottery twice) and some not so lofty (wake up at least once a week before the street lights come on). In between those two extremes was a goal I’ve had since I was ten:
Beat Road Rash 2
I loved this video game when I was younger. To sum it up in a few words, it’s a motorcycle racing game for Sega Genesis where you fight other players for five levels, each level having five separate races you must win to advance.
As passionate as I was about this game when I was a kid, I could never get past the third level. As time went on my interest in the game diminished. My family eventually got rid of our Genesis when I was in high school, and I was never able to conquer this beast.
For years it was always at the back of my mind that I never beat this game. So a few Christmas’ ago I bought my little brother a Genesis and this video game, telling him it would be something cool to have when he goes away to college. Who was I kidding? The truth was that I had unfinished business with Road Rash 2 and haven’t been able to sleep for over a decade because of it.
I thought beating this game would be one of my easier sabbatical goals to accomplish. I was wrong. This game is impossible. As an adult (kind of), I still couldn’t get past the third level. Apparently my hand eye coordination and mental capabilities have not improved since the fourth grade.
A few weeks ago my friend Adam suggested finding a cheat code that will take me to the fifth and final level. I’d never thought of doing that. I’ve explored other options in my mind, such as kidnapping a game wizard and forcing him to beat Road Rash 2 at gun point… but I never thought of simply looking up a cheat code. After searching the internet for less than four seconds, Adam found a cheat code that took us to the last level, and we only had to win one race to beat the whole game.
Only one race? No problem.
Problem.
Adam and I spent an entire Saturday afternoon trying to win this one race with absolutely no luck. It was impossible. Even Adam, who is a much better gamer than I, couldn’t do it. I figured Road Rash 2 was my own personal hell, and mentally I gave up trying to escape it.
Last Wednesday I was bored out of my mind. More bored than ever. I was considering going to the movies to see The Princess and the Frog I was so bored. But instead of seeing an animated Disney movie by myself in the middle of the day, a move that would quickly get me on every child predator watch list in the nation, I decided to give beating Road Rash 2 another shot.
I sat down on my bed and began. And let me tell you, the first race I played, I was on fire! It was like I had Savants Syndrome (what Rain Man had). I couldn’t lose. I hadn’t crashed once and I was in first place. Then, a mile away from the finish line, about fifteen seconds away from the promised land, I crashed. And a cop was there. I was arrested. Game over.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
I shouted so loud that the neighbors must have thought that I just found out a family member was murdered… or that I was in the process of murdering a family member. My Savants Syndrome was cured at the most inopportune time. I was crushed.
Luckily, because it was so cold outside, I stopped short of chucking the Sega Genesis out the window. Instead I decided to try again. This time…
I won.
I couldn’t believe it. I beat the game. Granted, I used a cheat code that got me to the last level with the best motorcycle and only one race to go, but so what? The game is still impossible. And I beat it. Now I was ready for the pay off.
A big reason I wanted to win this game was to not only feel like I was a better person than I was in fourth grade, but I also wanted to see what happens when you actually beat it.
In my mind, considering how difficult the game was for me…
This is what I thought would happen:
I get a knock at the door. It’s a high class prostitute sent from EA sports. She tells me that she heard about my win and was paid to do anything I want. I tell her that I want her to fix the engine in my car so I can pass my emissions test. She leaves to do just that. But she’s left behind a lease to a summer share at the Jersey Shore.
While signing all the necessary papers for my summer share, I get a phone call. It’s President Barack Obama calling to congratulate me. He offers to send me another high class prostitute. I tell him that I already got one and she’s fixing my car, but if there is something he can do about getting more Taco Bell locations in Roselle, I would be thrilled. He makes it his highest priority (sorry people without health care).
I get another knock at the door. It’s Steven Speilberg asking if he can hire me as a writer. He’s willing to pay me an enormous amount of money. I tell him no. I’m no sell out.
The high class prostitute comes back and leaves with Steven Spielberg. I regret my decision. Not with Spielberg, but with the prostitute. I should have had her clean the apartment. It’s a pigsty.
But…
This is what actually happened:
A short video is played of your guy hopping onto a truck bed with his motorcycle. Then a helicopter comes down. You grab onto a ladder coming from the helicopter and it flies you away. The end.
………
what…..
the…..
fuck….
It didn’t even say congratulations. In fact, the game doesn’t even end. It just takes you back to the 5th level and gives you the opportunity to play it over. No prostitute, no Jersey Shore lease, no phone call from the president. Just a short four second movie followed by the realization of how much time you’ve wasted in your life.
I sat for a while in shock.
“That was it? Nothing else happens?” It was more disappointing than the ending of The Sopranos.
I considered getting a bottle of champagne and celebrating, but partaking in celebratory drinking by myself on a Wednesday afternoon because I won a video game from the early nineties sounded more depressing than my original Princess and the Frog plan. So I took a nap.
Game over.