By Sean Patrick
As the second most romantic holiday of the year approaches (the first being flag day), men around the country are struggling to come up with the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Although I can’t help you with what to get that special someone, I can definitely tell you what not to get that special someone.
Any sort of 9/11 memorabilia. Even though “she’ll never forget,” Valentine’s day is not the day to remember.
Glamour shots. Not only does this imply that you think she needs a professional makeover, but I don’t think glamour shots has updated their wardrobe since the mid eighties. So all you’re going to get out of this is a pissed off girlfriend and a picture of her in an American flag jean jacket.
Anything found at Spencer gifts. Even their most romantic item, a black light poster of the land of Mordor, is not in the least bit romantic… unless you’re dating a hobbit… in which case you should stop referring to your short girlfriend as a hobbit. She’s probably starting to get really pissed about it.
An all expense paid trip to Reno. You’re basically begging her to get crabs.
The Direct TV exclusive NFL Sunday Ticket package. She’s just getting over the fact that, because Justin Fargas was on your fantasy team, you made her watch the entire Monday Night Football game between the Raiders and the Dolphins. Don’t derive that painful memory on this special holiday.
Granny panties. As much as it made you and your friends laugh when you bought them at TJ Maxx, she won’t find the humor in it.
Commemorative presidential plates. Even though she voted for Obama, she will have no idea what she is supposed to do with a plate with his face on it. (rs)
Anything that involves the word “fart.” This includes fart machines, fart powder, and fart candy. This reiterates my point that you shouldn’t buy her anything from Spencer Gifts.
An act of love that involves causing yourself physical harm. In the end, it’s not worth it. Ask Van Gogh. Loudly.
A signed legal document stating that you promise to never cheat on her again, with the word again written in tiny font.
Anything she needs. Even though she has talked for months about needing a phillips head screwdriver or a new toilet brush, Valentine’s Day is not the time to give them to her. Those are gifts you should get her on a random Tuesday in June.
A novelty t-shirt. Again, as funny as you and your buddies thought the “Honk if You’re Horny” t-shirt was, she won’t. In fact, as a rule of thumb, don’t take any of your single friends Valentine’s Day shopping with you. They just want to destroy your relationship so you can play more Halo.
By Sean Patrick
I’ve been asked what I would do if I didn’t become a screenwriter after my year off. Like most Americans, I guess I would be forced to check the Want Ads in the local paper to try to find employment. This sounds like a dreary end to my sabbatical, but I’m hoping to find ads like these as I seek a new profession.
MULTI-TRILLION DOLLAR COMPANY LOOKING TO PAY YOU FOR DOING NOTHING
We’re a successful company that is looking for a male in his late twenties that wouldn’t mind getting paid for not doing any work. Salary starting in the $80,000 range, but can/will be negotiated if simply asked. You will have your own office, a B-list celebrity secretary, and mafia connections. We ask that you at least come to work once a week for an hour or two, but if you can’t make it in we won’t have any way of knowing. Please don’t send a resume, just email us a yes or no response.
SPENCER GIFTS SEEKING MAN TO TEST OUT GAG GIFTS
Spencer gifts, an industry giant for years, is looking for a 27 year old former screenwriter that wouldn’t mind playing with weird toys all day in the comfort of your own home. Fart machines, hand buzzers, fake vomit… you name it, you’ll be playing with it. Six months vacation time granted, and salary is completely your call.
COUPLE LOOKING FOR FILM SCHOOL DROPOUT TO VIDEOTAPE OUR PUPPIES
We are young newlyweds who cannot get enough of our darling doggies. Unfortunately because of our jobs, we are forced to spend most of our time away from our little angels. What we want is a former film student from the Midwest to come over once a week and film our puppies doing adorable things. It won’t be hard, they are trained to be totally cute. Our neighbor, the girl that plays Pam on the NBC hit show The Office, will be more than happy to keep you company during your film sessions. $2000 per week is our pay, plus we will provide you with a car, do your laundry, and pay your rent.
WARNER BROTHERS LOOKING FOR A MAN TO SIMPLY WATCH MOVIES
Do you like watching movies but would never want to critique them because you would feel bad giving negative feedback to a filmmaker? We are looking for a gentlemen whose first name starts with a letter in the second part of the alphabet to watch movies for us. Any movie you want, we’ll provide. Already seen it? Watch it again! Not enjoying the movie? Turn it off! We will require for you to watch at least one True Life episode per week, so if this is a problem please do NOT apply. Salary is too big to put on paper… lets just say that you’ll make Oprah look like a Surreal Life participant.
BILL MURRAY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO HANG OUT WITH
Bill is bored, and he wants a male companion to spend some quality male bonding time with. Activities will include going to Chicago sporting events, watching his movies with him, and drinking. Must be caucasion, 5′11, and currently living in Roselle, Il. Do the right thing Sean Milnamow… call us.
