When I decided to make Hans-Rudolf Merz this websites’ biggest enemy, I wasn’t aware of two things:
1) People actually hate him, and
2) I would grow to love him.
People seriously despise Hans-Rudolf Merz, and even though his haters are mostly Swiss, it still counts (sort of). That defeats the entire purpose of making him this websites enemy. The reason I picked Hansey as a foe was because the head of the Federal Department of Finance in Switzerland was the most random public figure I could think of to have a rivalry with. But I’ve come to find out that there’s an entire movement against this köngud (that’s Swiss for Sex God). There’s even an Anti-Hans-Rudolf Merz Facebook group! When did Switzerland get Facebook? I’m going to have to update my security settings.
The Swiss have nothing to be mad about. They haven’t been to a war since 1815. We just entered two wars in the time that it took me to write that last sentence (you’re going down Virgin Islands!!!). And not only is Switzerland one of the richest countries in the world, but it also has the highest wealth per adult out of any country. Why would you hate the head of the Federal Department of Finance when you have the wealthiest adults on earth? Are you mad that he’s too awesome at his job? Even the average Swiss toddler makes more money per year than Italian men.*
Hearing that others distrust Hans-Rudolf Merz took all the fun out of it. It even made me feel bad for him. And once I found this video of Hansey cracking up during a speech about spiced meats…
… my hatred diffused like a fart in an airplane.
That’s why this website no longer distrusts Hans-Rudolf Merz. Instead, seanssabbatical supports the life and work of Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz and has declared so in the upper left-hand corner of the site.
I know what you’re thinking…
Is Sean growing soft?
Is the website going to lose its edge?
Is seanssabbatical really not going to have an enemy?
Put your worries aside. Just because Hans is my new BFF doesn’t mean that I haven’t found someone to loathe. I’ve looked high and low and eventually found a person who stands for everything I hate.
Gizmo, the beloved gerbil of Hollywood’s kinkiest front man Richard Gere, died early this morning after a 16-year battle with e. coli.
1986-2011
Born with a beautiful white coat of fur, Gizmo was raised by his father Carl and mother Princess. Carl, a professional wheel runner, and Princess, a seed eater, died tragically when Gizmo was a teenager after a ball they were running around in was pushed down the stairs by Gere’s asshole son Germaine.
After his parents were suddenly taken from him, Gizmo decided to lead a life of adventure. Known as a tremendous story teller, he loved giving the account of his exploratory trip into the land of RG’sanus. While it is the dilapidated conditions in RG’sanus that caused the brave gerbil to contract the deadly e. coli bacteria virus, he always referred to it as “the adventure of a lifetime.” Upon his return from RG’sanus, Gizmo’s coat was transformed from beautiful fluffy white to putrid sticky brown. It is this fur that he repeatedly tried to clean with his tongue that lead to his demise.
Gizmo is survived by the countless friends he met during his travels in RG’sanus, of whom he lovingly referred to as “Peanut Shits.”
Patrons at Bardot, a popular downtown Los Angeles nightclub, were shocked to see Hollywood-big-shot Keanu Reeves and sitcom-Jesus Joey Lawrence throwing punches at each other late Friday night.
Police arrived on the scene after the fight had been broken up by security, but the damage had already been done. Keanu Reeves needed stitches on his lip and Joey Lawrence resembled Blossom.
Apparently what caused the scuffle between the two was an argument they were engaged in over which one of them says ‘whoa’ better. Both actors are known for saying ‘whoa,’ but in entirely different styles. Once they starting arguing over whose style was superior, fists soon began to fly. A bar patron described the scene to us.
“I looked over and saw them fighting. It was crazy. The first thing I said was, ‘Whoa!’ I wasn’t trying to be funny, but it made the guy next to me laugh. Then he said ‘whoa.’ Pretty soon the entire bar was saying ’whoa’ and laughing.”
Most of the spectators chose to say ‘whoa’ in the Joey Lawrence type style, which infuriated Reeves.
“I’d say about 70% of the crowd was mimicking J-Law’s ‘whoa,’ which pissed Keanu off. There were some people saying ‘whoa’ like Keanu did in Bill and Ted’s, but his ‘whoa’ is a lot quieter and got drained out. So Joey was able to feed off the crowd more. You could tell it made a difference.”
Most of the patrons who witnessed the fight agreed that Lawrence faired better than Reeves, which both surprised and disappointed a lot of the Matrix enthusiasts at the bar.
“Neo was not on his game,” said Frank Kauffman. “He obviously needs to spend some time in the sparring program with Morpheus. Or maybe Joey Lawrence is just more experienced in his training. I doubt it though. Neo’s The One.”
After Reeves and Lawrence were removed from the scene, numerous heated arguments about the better delivery of ‘whoa’ had to be broken up outside of the club.
Obviously I am referring to Shawn Hunter, one of the main characters on God’s favorite show Boy Meets World. Like every Shawn in this world, Mr. Hunter was cursed with the gift of great hair, piercing eyes, and BJ lips. But beneath the stunning canvas lies a man-child with more baggage than Octomom.
Like a full moon, you could count on a Boy Meets World episode where Sean has emotional issues to come every 29.5 days.
Three episodes a month Shawn would be as entertaining as a teenager can be. He would chase girls, cause mischief, and fail academically as if he had a severe learning disability. But then the fourth episode would air, and this carefree Adonis would turn into Issues McGee.
Name an issue. Any issue. Shawn had it.
Abandonment - Although his parents were borderline homeless, they had the funds to travel around the country chasing each other while Shawn was put into the care of his friend’s parents, his English teacher, and his long lost wealthy brother. He was passed around like a baby on Teen Mom.
Academic – Shawn never excelled as a student, which made him feel inferior to all of his smart friends. But it’s not all bad. Through the magic of terrible writing he ended up getting into the same college as Topenga, the valedictorian of a heavy populated school in Philadelphia (a city known for its racism academic accomplishments). Thank you Boy Meets World. You’ve proven that no matter how hard you try in school, you will always end up at the same crappy college as your friend that only knows 17 of the 26 letters in the alphabet.
Sexual – The guy was a pervert. Hands down. But he wasn’t the only one with sexual problems on the show. Look at Topenga. She wouldn’t even let her boyfriend of 12 years see her in a bathing suit until they were married. Maybe she was holding out for Fred Savage. I would.
It’s obvious that Shawn had problems. But who didn’t on that show?
Cory, who started out the show as a cute and witty 12-year-old, grew up to be a neurotic sex addict with the face of troll and the vocabulary of a 94-year-old Jewish grandmother.
Mr. Feeny was forced keep his homosexuality a secret because he worked in the public school system.
And Eric, Cory’s brother… I mean, what happened there? He started out the show as a ‘b’ student who strived to get into college. By the end of the show he couldn’t even formulate a logical sentence. The guy obviously had some sort of brain cancer that was being ignored by everyone around him who just thought he caught a case of “the dumbs.”
But Shawn was a complainer and always reminded us that he was given the short end of the stick. But he’s cute, so who cares.
Fact: When you are driving, the easiest way for you to express yourself to the motorists around you is to sport a bumper sticker.
The bumper sticker is a way to tell people you will never meet a little something about yourself. Maybe your ancestors came from Germany, and even though you’ve never been to Germany, you don’t like German food, and you’re scared to tell your Jewish girlfriend’s dad that your grandfather killed his favorite uncle back in the 40’s (crazy times), you want to represent the country you came from to complete strangers. There’s no better way to do that than by draping a German flag sticker to your bumper.
But unbeknownst to you, the bumper sticker you select most likely says something about you that you never intended. It’s like that sunset tattoo you got in Cabo San Lucas: you think it’s a symbol of the unforgettable time you had in the Mexican paradise, but to everyone else it just confirms that you got too drunk during Spring Break and slept with a tattoo artist. So when you choose to have a bumper sticker, be aware that the ones below give an impression of you that may not be what you were going for.
What Your Bumper Sticker Says About You
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself - I don’t trust the government, and advise everyone to do the same.
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I frequently get caught breaking the law.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself– I love sex and women!!!
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself – I have difficulty talking to women and have yet to see an actual female breast.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I can accomplish anything in my life!
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself – Obesity has prevented me from accomplishing much in my life.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I am so proud of my child!
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself – I’m so shocked that the retard can actually pull a ‘B’ average that I need to show everyone.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I want you to be careful driving around me, my precious angel is in the back seat.
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself – Beware, my terrible driving constantly puts both yours and my child’s life at risk.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – If they were elected back then, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in today!
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I’m dumb and can’t figure out how to get old bumper stickers off of my car.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I love my American Staffordshire Terrier!
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I’ve had sex with my American Staffordshire Terrier.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I love making the world a better and brighter place!
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – My positive attitude annoys all of my coworkers at Home Depot.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I am a huge Packer fan!
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I’m a dick.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I love great music, and The Grateful Dead is great music.
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I have a stack of narcotics in my trunk.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – The lord is the only one that can tell me what to do.
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – My problem with authority has caused me to be unemployed for the last five years.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself – I want to live in a world of absolute peace and harmony.
What You’re Really Saying About Yourself – I chopped off my toe in ‘67 to get out of Vietnam.
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself - I respect and cherish the Second Amendment of the Constitution.
What You’re Actually Saying About Yourself - I’ve killed immigrants.
I wanted to make two predictions on this website that, if either come true, will convince everyone that I am a modern day Nostrodamus. But unlike the 16th century Miss Cleo, my predictions will not be filled with loose predictions that can be interrupted in hundreds of different ways.
Nostro has been unjustly given credit for predicting almost everything that happens in this world. For example, he once said this:
The young lion will overcome the older one,
On the field of combat in a single battle;
He will pierce his eyes through a golden cage,
Two wounds made one, then he dies a cruel death.
People claim that Nostro-vagueness successfully predicted the death of King Henry II of France in this third grade poem. This is because King Henry II died a cruel death. So what? Predicting that someone in the 1500s would die a cruel death is like predicting that Snooki will get abortions. What wasn’t a cruel death back then? No one died peacefully in their sleep. They were either killed in a sword fight, contracted smallpox, or got decapitated.
So in the honor of showing some balls when it comes to predictions, I’ve decided to make two bold prophecies that, if either come to fruition, will prove that I’m much more talented than the Nos.
Prediction One
On July 18th, 2016, at 4:47:16 a.m. CST., the guy that played Potsie in Happy Days will be pulled over by a trans-gender police officer for failure to use his blinker on a right-hand turn in the city of Minot, North Dakota. When the cop realizes that it’s Potsie, she will break down crying. He will say the words, “Why are you crying?” She will say, “Because you killed my father!” Potsie, remembering his dark past, will run the cop over with his car and high tail it towards Canada. We will never hear from the gifted actor again, but the cop will survive the hit and ironically star in the wildly successful 2020 sitcom remake of Happy Days.
murderer
Prediction Two
It will rain in Pittsburgh on July 16th, 2011. Maybe.
Time Magazine Names Sadaam Hussein the Sexiest Tyrant of All-Time
Time Magazine, the periodic publication known for gross-out humor and not being afraid to go there, has named Sadaam Hussein the sexiest tyrant of all-time. The former dictator, who was executed in 2006, was known for being ruthless, evil, and terrifyingly gorgeous.
“He’s a babe. No doubt,” said Time’s Managing Editor Richard Stengel. “The issues we’ve publishedwhere his face was on the cover are our best selling of all time, and it’s not because of our articles. Women go gaga over this guy. The ladies want him, and the men want to be him. He’s the Justin Bieber of authoritarians.”
The proof is in the pudding. Historically, the mustaches tyrants wear quickly go out of style. Hitler’s tiny mustache hasn’t been worn since the Anne Frank era. But the Sadaam stache? It’s still very much alive. Tom Selleck even has one.
And in 2003 he even managed to make a shaggy beard and body lice a fashion must, a trend that is still sported today by Hollywood’s biggest names.
Other tyrants have also been categorized in this months Time Magazine. The Philippines Ferdinand Marcos was crowned The Worlds Silliest Tyrant, Romania’s Nikolae Ceausescu was labeled Tyrant that Most Resembles A Penis, and North Korea’s Kim Jong Il was named Tyrant Most Likely to be a Closet Lesbian.
There are many women out there today who are on a desperate search to find Mr. Right. They go to bars, clubs, illegal rooster fights, monster truck rallies, all to try and meet the man they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
To make it easier for these women to separate the studs from the duds, below are some sentences that will never come out of the mouth of Mr. Right.
Things Mr. Right Will Never Say
I cant decide if I love my grandma or if I’m in love with my grandma.
The women’s bathroom here isn’t as nice as the one at Applebees.
Do you think these track marks are sexy?
You look familiar. Have you done any foot fetish pornography?
You remind me of my missing ex-girlfriend.
You’re lucky. It’s pretty rare to see me without puss coming out of my chin.
I don’t get why dog bones are only for dogs.
Imagine this: here I am, fourteen years old, just having graduated eighth grade, with blood stained hands and a decapitated body lying at my feet. It was like something out of a dream… but it was real… and I did it… that was fifteen years ago…. so to answer your question, it’s been fifteen years since I last visited Pittsburgh.
To be honest, I believe Von der Sloot.
I love kids. Sometimes I’ll park my car outside of a daycare center and watch them for hours.
You’d be surprised… this trench coat can hide more weapons than you’d think.
Tell me about it. I almost strangled my sister to death for reading my diary. True story.
Do you ever lose all concept of reality and find yourself making out with one of your cousins?
I like you… so you better get out of here. I’m about to do something that’ll make headline news. (** Note – Take his advice and leave**)
I would have finished college, but my parents forced me to come home during my last semester after I contracted gonorrhea of the face.
So after finding out that prostitution wasn’t 100% legal in Las Vegas, I just moved back home.
That’s not a pitchfork, it’s a swastika. My tattoo artist just sucks.
This necklace? It’s my baby teeth…. just kidding! They’re not my baby teeth. That would be weird.
Me? I’m a photographer for National Geographic. (**Note- Stay away from this guy because he’s a liar**)
Of course I look familiar, I’m your brother. How much have you been drinking?
I was a sophomore in high school. I had just taken an Algebra test and was sitting around with about fifteen minutes left of class. That day I also had an essay due for my English class, and because I had time to kill I thought I would read it over again to make sure that it was perfect (spoiler alert: it was). I took the folder that my essay was in out of my backpack, and as soon as I opened it…
A GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH APPEARED AND STARTED SCATTERING UP TOWARDS THE TOP OF MY PAPER
I let out a short scream and slammed my folder shut. The room was quiet because of the test, so as I quickly looked around I expected everyone to be staring at me. But somehow no one seemed to notice my outburst. I was in shock for a couple seconds. Then my thoughts went to my essay. By slamming the folder shut I was sure that I had squished the roach and gotten it all over my paper. I wanted to see the damage, but fearing that it was somehow still alive, I decided to play it safe and quickly open up the folder and toss it to the ground.
I opened it up and threw it down, which again made a loud noise that everyone ignored. I stared at the paper. There was no squished cockroach. In fact, there was no cockroach at all. I was confused. Did my mom put LSD in my lunch? Was I seeing non-existent bugs? That’s when that beast of an insect ran out of the sleeve of the folder and headed straight towards the head of the class. I looked around again to see if anyone was noticing the spectacle of me releasing a huge roach from my folder into the classroom, but still no one was paying attention. I focused back on the bug. He quickly walked by three students that were sitting in my row before heading to the backpack of the girl sitting in the front. He went to the base of her bag and disappeared under it.
I was in shock. This entire spectacle happened within a minute, and even with all the noise I was making it had somehow managed to go unnoticed by everyone around me.
There was still fourteen minutes left of class, all of which I spent staring at the base of this girl’s backpack. I knew this girl, but not very well. When I was a freshman she went to homecoming with my friend, and for the big fancy dinner we were supposed to take our dates to before the dance (a homecoming tradition), we took our dates to Denny’s. My girlfriend didn’t seem to mind, but she never talked to me or my friend ever again.
I kept my mouth shut.
I was sure that when class was over, she would pick up her backpack and scream. So when the bell rang, I stayed in my seat to watch the show. But when she picked up her backpack, there was no cockroach. It was gone. It had climbed into her backpack.
Obviously there was nothing that I could do at this point. She had a cockroach in her backpack, and I was 89% to blame for it (5 % of the blame goes to the cockroach, and 6% of the blame goes to JanSport for making their backpacks so cockroach friendly)
I had sixth period band with this girl an obligation to harass band geeks every sixth period, and she happened to be a band member. When I walked into the band room, the first thing I saw was her sobbing as her boyfriend consoled her.
I walked away from her knowing all too well the terror that she was experiencing at this moment.
I thought of asking her if a nice dinner at Denny’s would make her feel better.
A new year is upon us, and people all over the country are vowing to make healthier life choices to try and reverse the severe damage they did to their bodies over the holiday season.
Me at the Beginning of November
Me at the Beginning of January
But lets be honest… that gym membership that you got so you can accomplish your New Year’s Resolution of losing weight will be utilized in January, somewhat dabbled with in February, and completely ignored by March. Come June that gym membership, along with the adult website you’ve been subscribed to since college, does nothing for you but make you feel bad about yourself while taking $30 out of your bank account every first of the month.
Being unable to accomplish the miniscule goals you made after you embarrassed yourself at your ex-girlfriend’s New Years party is demoralizing. For that reason, I’ve come up with more realistic New year’s Resolutions you can make that will make you feel good about yourself this year (which we’ll all need since the Miyans and John Cusak have predicted we will all die in 2012).
Avoid Eye Contact With Greenpeace Employees – You wont regret this one. You look in their direction for one moment and before you know it they are lecturing you about how bad the toilet paper you use is just because it’s made out of tortured rhino feet (I use the tough stuff). Avoid eye contact with these guilt-trippers and continue planning your Hummer road trip.
At The Very Least, Entertain the Idea of Showering Everyday – No American showers everyday. It’s the only thing we do that makes us feel European. Therefore, a resolution where you vow to shower every single day of the year is ridiculous. But by merely entertaining the idea of showering, you have done everything you said you would at the beginning of the year.
Yell at a Child At Least Once a Week – You’d be surprised on how long you can live by doing this.
Stop Watching Movies About Exorcism – This shouldn’t be a hard thing to do, and if it is, then you’re probably starting to worry everyone around you. Stop giving these creepy films your hard earned money. Please. I’m begging you. The more people who do this, the less I’ll have to feel terrified during the coming attractions everytime I see a non-Pixar film at the theatre.
Begin Lying About Yourself More – Nobody likes the real you. If they did, you wouldn’t have to make a New Year’s Resolution. You think Brad Pitt has a New Year’s Resolution? Of Course not. What would it even be? Stop having abs? Start making up lies about yourself. Tell your neighbor that you’re sleeping with a supermodel that lives in Denmark. Tell your coworkers that you can dunk a basketball. Tell your parents that you dunked a basketball on your Denmarkian supermodel girlfriend. As soon as people start to see this change in you, you’ll never have to make a resolution ever again. Make sense? Trust me, it did.
Former Lithuanian Pop Sensation Linas Adomaitis!
What You Think You’re Saying About Yourself - I respect and cherish the Second Amendment of the Constitution. 
murderer
50% possible
A GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH APPEARED AND STARTED SCATTERING UP TOWARDS THE TOP OF MY PAPER
