One night a week my gal pal has evening classes, meaning that for a few hours after I get home from work I am able to do whatever manly thing I want. Finally, some time alone to let the man inside me (eww) come out in full force. So what do I do on these nights? Do I buy a steak, take my shirt off, crank up the pornography and practice my farting? No. In fact, so far my nights have been anything but those things.
Since classes just started, this is my second Bachelor Pad night of the year. Here is a recap of my first two.
BACHELOR PAD NIGHT #1
Last week my bachelor pad night started strong. I picked up some dinner and when I got home I was planning on watching Moneyball. Ultimate dude stuff… just as long as the fact that my dinner was generic frosted flakes is overlooked.
I got home and start preparing my mandinner when, out of nowhere, the largest cockroach that’s ever lived on this planet darts across the counter and into my sink. I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘You’re in New York now. This must be common place.’ It’s not. This was my fist cockroach, and he was the size of my fourth-grade music teacher. So, as any mature adult in this situation would do, I starting screaming profanities, all the while trying to trap this gigantic bastard under a plastic cup as he scattered quickly around the sink. While I ended up breaking the cup, I did not end up breaking the cockroach. He swiftly climbed out of the sink (which in itself is repulsive) and jumped to the floor. There he took immediate shelter under the small ledge between our floor and counter.
He stood still at that point. So did I. It was your classic Brooklyn standoff. Now what? I knew I had to kill it, and to avoid the years of therapy that I would need if I got a napkin and felt this midget crunch in my hands, I decided to put a shoe on and stomp the hell out of it. Unfortunately his positioning under my ledge made it impossible to tell where he was when I approached him, and after stomping hard on the area where he originally was, I came to find out that he escaped. Where he went, I’m not sure. But he was gone.
I went to the living room to go over my options.
Option 1: I could just leave the apartment and come back the day that we moved out, which at the earliest would be the summer of 2013. But I could find stuff to do until then. It’s the city that never sleeps.
Option 2: I could call the police and they could take care of it. NYPD doesn’t have that much to do, especially at night.
Option 3: I could call the landlord to come over and kill it. He’s a tough bald Russian guy, so it wouldn’t be embarrassing at all.
Pretty soon it became clear that my best play was to get some roach spray and douche my apartment in it. So that’s what I did. I got some Raid, sprayed the kitchen, living room, bedroom, bathroom, my body, my throat, all of the girlfriends jewelry and perfumes, and every piece of fruit we had (I’m kidding… we don’t have fruit). I bugproofed the apartment, and all it took was a $10 bottle of raid and 17 years off of my life expectancy after breathing in an abundance of toxic roach spray.
After that was done, I sat in the livingroom scared to death of the kitchen, and refused to get up and walk around in fear that the huge bastard would be around the corner looking to wrestle. BACHELOR PAD!
BACHELOR PAD NIGHT #2
Fast forward to this week and here I am. It’s Tuesday night. Bachelor pad night. I’m a 30 year-old man trying to relax after a hard days work, and I can do whatever I want. That being said, what was I doing before I starting blogging about how depressing my Bachelor Pad evenings are? What was I doing the one night where I am allowed to do whatever I want to in my apartment? Laying on my couch, wearing my pajamas at 7 pm (6 pm cst), eating Valentine’s Day heart candy, which is my desert after a hearty dinner of Capt’n Crunch Berries, and watching the second season of Lifetime’s breakout reality show Dance Moms.
Traffic on my website has been down lately. People would probably attribute this to my sporadic and and infrequent posting. Personally, I’d rather blame it on the holidays. And maybe 9/11. Whatever it is, it’s out of my hands. I even resorted to putting up a picture of an old man with a black eye, the internets sure-fire way to gain an audience. But it didn’t work. Traffic is still sparse. This needs to change.
So in a cheap but necessary ploy to get more hits on my website, I’m going to have to give what readers want.
Lindsay Lohan recently did a photo shoot for Playboy, and the issue is supposed to hit filthy newstands next week. I just read that the photos were leaked to the internet, and after doing some research I was able to locate the Lohan picture that everyone on the internet wants to see. So although I try to keep this website somewhat appropriate, I have to do this. I hope you’ll understand.
Detroit Lions’ fans recently made national news when they petitioned to have their Thanksgiving half-time show performance by Nickleback canceled.
“This is a nationally televised game. We don’t want Nickleback doing the half-time show. It would ruin Detroit’s reputation!”
While it is impossible for the reputation of America’s Yeast Infection to get any worse, Detroit’s fan base is adamant that a Nickleback performance would only worsen a game that for decades has caused more Thanksgiving naps than tryptophan. Nickleback lead singer Chad Kroeger was shocked to hear the news.
“Detroit has a football team?”
The Lions, whose last playoff win came hours after Lincoln’s signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, have shocked the football world by starting the season 6-2. Just three years after failing to win a regular season game, this fast start has left Lions fans with a sense of pride that they haven’t felt since 8 Mile brought home an Oscar for Best Original Song. But America isn’t ready to embrace Lions football.
Because there are no quality television programs airing on the anniversary of when the pilgrims started to realize that they didn’t like diversity, year after year Americans have been forced to watch Lions football on Thanksgiving day. The game has proven to be more painful than the smallpox epidemic that was soon to come to half of the attendees at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Yet Detroit fans think that having Nickleback perform would be an insult.
Regardless of their recent success, over the years Detroit Lions football has ruined more Thanksgiving dinners than teenage pregnancy announcements, while Nickleback music has only dared us to feel emotions that we never even knew we had.
It’s been a long, long time since I last posted a blog. So long in fact that it took me a day of sorting through old emails just to figure out my username and password to log onto the site. I’m ashamed. I’ve been as absent as Patrick Swayze’s pancreas donor. It won’t happen again.
As many of you may know, a big reason for my neglectfulness of seanssabbatical is that I moved to Brooklyn. After spending over two blissful years in Roselle, Il, we packed up our things and moved to the land that Forbes Magazine labeled “The Exact Opposite of Roselle, Illinois.” The planning, the apartment hunt, the job search… all of these things made it difficult to keep up with blogging. But those days are behind me. Mama’s home.
I have been asked by many people about what it is like in New York City. While I think there are many similarities to the city of Chicago, here are a few things that I’ve noticed during my first three weeks in the Gigantic Apple.
More Things Smell Like Pee
Don’t get me wrong… there were many times that I was downtown Chicago and got a whiff of some prime homeless man’s urine. But apparently the homeless here have bladder infections, because the pee smell is everywhere you go. New York is like being in a living room the morning after a third grade slumber party, but without a stained sleeping bag it’s harder to figure out who peed.
Accents Aren’t Always Sexy
Thick New York accents are funny, but they’re not sexy. I’ll giggle when I hear a New York accent because they’re so foreign to me… but the other day I heard a woman scream, “Come ahhhhhnn, get a fagggin hit Jeeetah!” during a Yankees game and it almost turned me gay.
The Term “Go Fuck Yourself” Gets Thrown Around More Frequently
I’ve heard this used multiple times from people around me who are describing past conversations they’ve had, and sometimes they use it very haphazardly.
For example, today I walked by two girls and overheard one say, “then he tells me that I don’t look Romanian, so I told him ‘go fuck yourself!’” That confused me. Granted, I only caught a portion of their conversation, but is that really an appropriate ‘go fuck yourself’ moment? Maybe I don’t know much about Romanians, but I’ve never heard that they are extraordinarily good looking or notoriously hideous. If someone told me that I didn’t look Romanian, I’d respond, “oh… who does?” I guess I just don’t know what Romanians look like.
The Article Reply. A way for every semi-literate web fanatic to express their opinions on any news story that gets posted on the internet.
Unlike the newspaper where it takes a reasonable response and approval by an editor to get your comment published, replying to a story on the internet is as easy as typing a confusingly racist comment and clicking ’Post.’ When I read articles on Yahoo or CNN, I typically get through about 1/4th of the article and then go straight to the comment section. It’s probably why I really only know 1/4th of whats going on in America. But I just can’t wait. The comments are easily the most entertaining part of the piece. And I’ve noticed that there are always three comment-types per article, regardless of what the content of the story is. Here is an example of the type of comments you will see on every online article you encounter.
Two Popular Chimpanzees Kiss!
By CBS Chicago
Jobin and Tina, two chimpanzees who have been attractions at the Brookfield Zo for over a decade, were the recipients of a huge round of applause from onlookers last week when they were spotted kissing each other.
Jobin, a 15-year-old male, and Tina, a 13-year-old female, are long-time friends dating back to 2007. However, this is the first time they have been spotted kissing each other.
“It came out of the blue!” said trainer Phyllis Schamp. “I’ve been around them for years and they’ve always been playful, but not this playful!”
Jobin and Tina kissed three times in front of the excited crowd, each time getting a louder applause than the last. Since then they have also been seen holding hands and hugging, all to the delight of their trainers and fans. – AP
3 Comments
SeriousDanger5 – Wow, Yahoo! Way to spell! Brookfield Zo? Don’t you mean Zoo? My god, what is wrong with you? It’s called SpellCheck! You and your editors should all be fired. 6/7/11 12:39 pm EST
I love the person who gets extremely worked up over a spelling error. He’s so mad that he’ll take the time to create a username and password in order to tell whoever wrote the article how dumb they are. By putting so much effort into this, not only has he has revealed that he’s unemployed, but he also exposed that the reason he is unemployed is because he is an asshole who lets stupid things like spelling errors drive him insane. Most likely his last job was at Blockbuster, but he quit because he felt that having the Employees Favorites section in the middle of the New Releases section completely threw off the alphabetical order of the whole wall and emotionally he couldn’t take it. What I like most about this kind of post is that I know that the person who posted it probably spent an extensive amount of time making sure that he didn’t make any spelling errors that would make him look stupid.
Unreal4 – Wow! It’s good to know that during a recession our reporters have time to keep us informed about this crap! Seriously?!? With gas prices what they are and the unemployment rate near 9%, this is what you’re writing about? Stupid chimps? Ridiculous. 6/7/11 12:42 pm EST
This is the person who thinks that the only thing that should be reported on is how terrible the world is. But this guy doesn’t understand the concept of a 24-hour news cycle. There’s only so much devastation that be reported on until a story about two horny chimps gets some attention. If the guy only wants to hear about how much everything sucks, he should go to Nancy Grace for his news. In her world, the only thing going on in this country is that little innocent caucasian kids are being molested. Watching Nancy Grace is like getting a play by play account on what was going on in the Neverland Ranch during the 90s. And as much as she likes to pretend that Caylee Anthony’s death infuriates her, it’s the only thing she has had to report on for the last three years, making her job as easy as a gym teacher’s.
ForRealGrl77 – I love chimps! They are so cute!!!! 6/7/11 12:46 pm EST
HoneyPot7 – Chimps suck. Gorillas are way better. 6/7/11 12:47 EST
Uh oh… is this what I think it is?
ForRealGrl77 – Are you nuts? 6/7/11 12:49 EST
I think it is!!!
HoneyPot7 – F*** you, slut! You’re nuts! 6/7/11 12:59 EST
POST FIGHT!!!!!!
I love the anger that goes into a good Post Fight. What starts out as comment about how much you love chimps ends with a stranger claiming that your great-grandfather had defective sperm. No matter what the subject matter is people are willing to fight online about it. I’m guilty of it. If someone posts that Jurassic Park 2 is better than the original on a movie website, I have no problem calling them an impotent Nazi.*
*Sorry DinoKid11, I get very passionate about the quality of the Jurassic Park movies after a few glasses of wine. Good luck in middle school.
Riddle: A homeless woman walks up to a wealthy man and says, “I have more money than you do.” The wealthy man says, “Oh, I doubt that.” They both pull out their most recent banks statements and compare, and in fact, the homeless woman has a lot more money than the wealthy man. How is this possible?
Answer: The homeless woman is Bill Gates.
Riddle: Two lifelong best friends, who have hung out together since they were very young, are taking a road trip across the country. Now 23 and 24, both friends are out of college and have full-time jobs. At a rest stop, the 24-year-old friend says to the 23-year-old friend, “I can’t hold this in any longer. You’re my son.” How is this possible?
Answer: The 23-year-old friend’s mom had sex with a 3-month-old 22 years and 9 months earlier.
Riddle: A little boy is in 1st grade, and to his surprise he gets a 100% on his spelling test. Thinking that he got the best score possible, he goes to the front of the class and makes fun of everyone because finally no one did better than him. When he is done with his rant, which includes him mooning his classmates and calling his teacher the c-word, he sits back down. His teacher then stands up and says, “It’s not true that no one did better than you.” How is this possible?
Answer: One of his classmates got a 103% on the test because the teacher is having an affair with the student’s father.
Riddle: A man, who has been training for months, runs the New York City Marathon is just under 3 hours. Being his personal best, the man decides to celebrate by going to see a Broadway show that night. After a lot of thought, the man decides to see Billy Elliot. He goes, enjoys himself, returns to his hotel and falls asleep. The next day a maid at the hotel finds him dead. How is this possible?
Answer: The man had AIDS.
Riddle: A deer is lying dead at the side of the road. A man sees the deer as he drives by, and hoping to be able to tell his friends that he shot it, he turns his car around and goes back to where he saw the deer. When he gets there, the deer is no longer there. How is this possible?
Answer: The deer wasn’t a deer at all… it was Bill Gates in a deer costume taking a nap by the side of the road. He woke up right after the car passed him and walked home.
Riddle: A woman is auditioning for a play. She is asked to sing her favorite song, and when she does the man who is holding the audition loves her. He tells her that she is going to be a big star and that even though there was still one more audition that day, she would be picked as the lead. The woman is ecstatic and runs home to tell her family. The next day she checks the cast, and to her astonishment she was not picked as the lead. How is this possible?
Answer: A woman with bigger boobs auditioned right after her.
Riddle: While crossing the street, an old man is struck by a car. While being rushed to a hospital, the old man dies. 4 days later at his funeral, the woman who was driving the car shows up. When the wife of the old man asks who she is, she says, “I am this man’s daughter.” How is this possible?
Answer: The old man was the driver’s father, and her mother didn’t initially recognize her because her makeup made her look like a prostitute.
Riddle: A lightning bolt hits a man while he is out golfing.
Answer: Is that a riddle?
Riddle: A baseball team goes over 100 years without winning the World Series. Currently there are 30 teams in the majors, meaning that statistically, even though there were far fewer teams in the majors 100-years-ago, this team at the very least should have won a World Series at least 3 times over the last century. But they haven’t. They’ve won 0. How is this possible?
When I decided to make Hans-Rudolf Merz this websites’ biggest enemy, I wasn’t aware of two things:
1) People actually hate him, and
2) I would grow to love him.
People seriously despise Hans-Rudolf Merz, and even though his haters are mostly Swiss, it still counts (sort of). That defeats the entire purpose of making him this websites enemy. The reason I picked Hansey as a foe was because the head of the Federal Department of Finance in Switzerland was the most random public figure I could think of to have a rivalry with. But I’ve come to find out that there’s an entire movement against this köngud (that’s Swiss for Sex God). There’s even an Anti-Hans-Rudolf Merz Facebook group! When did Switzerland get Facebook? I’m going to have to update my security settings.
The Swiss have nothing to be mad about. They haven’t been to a war since 1815. We just entered two wars in the time that it took me to write that last sentence (you’re going down Virgin Islands!!!). And not only is Switzerland one of the richest countries in the world, but it also has the highest wealth per adult out of any country. Why would you hate the head of the Federal Department of Finance when you have the wealthiest adults on earth? Are you mad that he’s too awesome at his job? Even the average Swiss toddler makes more money per year than Italian men.*
Hearing that others distrust Hans-Rudolf Merz took all the fun out of it. It even made me feel bad for him. And once I found this video of Hansey cracking up during a speech about spiced meats…
… my hatred diffused like a fart in an airplane.
That’s why this website no longer distrusts Hans-Rudolf Merz. Instead, seanssabbatical supports the life and work of Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz and has declared so in the upper left-hand corner of the site.
I know what you’re thinking…
Is Sean growing soft?
Is the website going to lose its edge?
Is seanssabbatical really not going to have an enemy?
Put your worries aside. Just because Hans is my new BFF doesn’t mean that I haven’t found someone to loathe. I’ve looked high and low and eventually found a person who stands for everything I hate.
Gizmo, the beloved gerbil of Hollywood’s kinkiest front man Richard Gere, died early this morning after a 16-year battle with e. coli.
1986-2011
Born with a beautiful white coat of fur, Gizmo was raised by his father Carl and mother Princess. Carl, a professional wheel runner, and Princess, a seed eater, died tragically when Gizmo was a teenager after a ball they were running around in was pushed down the stairs by Gere’s asshole son Germaine.
After his parents were suddenly taken from him, Gizmo decided to lead a life of adventure. Known as a tremendous story teller, he loved giving the account of his exploratory trip into the land of RG’sanus. While it is the dilapidated conditions in RG’sanus that caused the brave gerbil to contract the deadly e. coli bacteria virus, he always referred to it as “the adventure of a lifetime.” Upon his return from RG’sanus, Gizmo’s coat was transformed from beautiful fluffy white to putrid sticky brown. It is this fur that he repeatedly tried to clean with his tongue that lead to his demise.
Gizmo is survived by the countless friends he met during his travels in RG’sanus, of whom he lovingly referred to as “Peanut Shits.”
Patrons at Bardot, a popular downtown Los Angeles nightclub, were shocked to see Hollywood-big-shot Keanu Reeves and sitcom-Jesus Joey Lawrence throwing punches at each other late Friday night.
Police arrived on the scene after the fight had been broken up by security, but the damage had already been done. Keanu Reeves needed stitches on his lip and Joey Lawrence resembled Blossom.
Apparently what caused the scuffle between the two was an argument they were engaged in over which one of them says ‘whoa’ better. Both actors are known for saying ‘whoa,’ but in entirely different styles. Once they starting arguing over whose style was superior, fists soon began to fly. A bar patron described the scene to us.
“I looked over and saw them fighting. It was crazy. The first thing I said was, ‘Whoa!’ I wasn’t trying to be funny, but it made the guy next to me laugh. Then he said ‘whoa.’ Pretty soon the entire bar was saying ’whoa’ and laughing.”
Most of the spectators chose to say ‘whoa’ in the Joey Lawrence type style, which infuriated Reeves.
“I’d say about 70% of the crowd was mimicking J-Law’s ‘whoa,’ which pissed Keanu off. There were some people saying ‘whoa’ like Keanu did in Bill and Ted’s, but his ‘whoa’ is a lot quieter and got drained out. So Joey was able to feed off the crowd more. You could tell it made a difference.”
Most of the patrons who witnessed the fight agreed that Lawrence faired better than Reeves, which both surprised and disappointed a lot of the Matrix enthusiasts at the bar.
“Neo was not on his game,” said Frank Kauffman. “He obviously needs to spend some time in the sparring program with Morpheus. Or maybe Joey Lawrence is just more experienced in his training. I doubt it though. Neo’s The One.”
After Reeves and Lawrence were removed from the scene, numerous heated arguments about the better delivery of ‘whoa’ had to be broken up outside of the club.
Obviously I am referring to Shawn Hunter, one of the main characters on God’s favorite show Boy Meets World. Like every Shawn in this world, Mr. Hunter was cursed with the gift of great hair, piercing eyes, and BJ lips. But beneath the stunning canvas lies a man-child with more baggage than Octomom.
Like a full moon, you could count on a Boy Meets World episode where Sean has emotional issues to come every 29.5 days.
Three episodes a month Shawn would be as entertaining as a teenager can be. He would chase girls, cause mischief, and fail academically as if he had a severe learning disability. But then the fourth episode would air, and this carefree Adonis would turn into Issues McGee.
Name an issue. Any issue. Shawn had it.
Abandonment - Although his parents were borderline homeless, they had the funds to travel around the country chasing each other while Shawn was put into the care of his friend’s parents, his English teacher, and his long lost wealthy brother. He was passed around like a baby on Teen Mom.
Academic – Shawn never excelled as a student, which made him feel inferior to all of his smart friends. But it’s not all bad. Through the magic of terrible writing he ended up getting into the same college as Topenga, the valedictorian of a heavy populated school in Philadelphia (a city known for its racism academic accomplishments). Thank you Boy Meets World. You’ve proven that no matter how hard you try in school, you will always end up at the same crappy college as your friend that only knows 17 of the 26 letters in the alphabet.
Sexual – The guy was a pervert. Hands down. But he wasn’t the only one with sexual problems on the show. Look at Topenga. She wouldn’t even let her boyfriend of 12 years see her in a bathing suit until they were married. Maybe she was holding out for Fred Savage. I would.
It’s obvious that Shawn had problems. But who didn’t on that show?
Cory, who started out the show as a cute and witty 12-year-old, grew up to be a neurotic sex addict with the face of troll and the vocabulary of a 94-year-old Jewish grandmother.
Mr. Feeny was forced keep his homosexuality a secret because he worked in the public school system.
And Eric, Cory’s brother… I mean, what happened there? He started out the show as a ‘b’ student who strived to get into college. By the end of the show he couldn’t even formulate a logical sentence. The guy obviously had some sort of brain cancer that was being ignored by everyone around him who just thought he caught a case of “the dumbs.”
But Shawn was a complainer and always reminded us that he was given the short end of the stick. But he’s cute, so who cares.
One night a week my gal pal has evening classes, meaning that for a few hours after I get home from work I am able to do whatever manly thing I want. Finally, some time alone to let the man inside me (eww) come out in full force. So what do I do on these nights? Do I buy a steak, take my shirt off, crank up the pornography and practice my farting? No. In fact, so far my nights have been anything but those things.
Fast forward to this week and here I am. It’s Tuesday night. Bachelor pad night. I’m a 30 year-old man trying to relax after a hard days work, and I can do whatever I want. That being said, what was I doing before I starting blogging about how depressing my Bachelor Pad evenings are? What was I doing the one night where I am allowed to do whatever I want to in my apartment? Laying on my couch, wearing my pajamas at 7 pm (6 pm cst), eating Valentine’s Day heart candy, which is my desert after a hearty dinner of Capt’n Crunch Berries, and watching the second season of Lifetime’s breakout reality show Dance Moms.
not a joke
The Lions, whose last playoff win came hours after Lincoln’s signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, have shocked the football world by starting the season 6-2. Just three years after failing to win a regular season game, this fast start has left Lions fans with a sense of pride that they haven’t felt since 8 Mile brought home an Oscar for Best Original Song. But America isn’t ready to embrace Lions football.
Romanian?
Former Lithuanian Pop Sensation Linas Adomaitis!
