I’ve been trying to take it easy on Mrs. Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz for the past month or two. Around early May I started giving him a lot of grief, and although it was well deserved, I don’t want my readers to think that this has become a political website.*
But I discovered some SHOCKING news today while studying up on American History.
On November 10th, 1944, the USS Mount Hood, a World War II U.S. Navy ammunition ship, exploded off the coast of Seeadler Harbour in Papua New Guinea. The blast killed all 350 men on the boat and even more casualties occurred on nearby vessels. It was a sad moment in United States history, and to this day they have not been able to figure out what exactly caused this horrific tragedy.
Well, I’ve been doing my research, and I’ve come up with an outrageous discovery.
November 10th, 1944 was not only the date of this Naval disaster… it was also Hans-Rudolf Merz’s 2nd birthday!!!
Seems like Hansey wanted to celebrate the beginning of his second year with a bang.
Although it will be tough to prove, I’m almost certain that fart-face-Hans, at the age of 2, was the one who caused this catastrophe. Think about it. How do the Swiss celebrate birthdays? With fireworks. (do they?) And since the Merzinator has always been a spoiled brat, he wasn’t satisfied with sparklers and bottle rockets… he needed to blow up an entire boat full of potential future relatives of me!
It’s a low blow Rudork, but I must say… sitting here today, I realize that you got me. Even before I was born. And you’ll pay.
Oh, and I found out that he wrote an essay in 1987 titled Die aussergewöhnliche Führungspersönlichkeit
What does that mean?!? Whatever it is, it starts with the word “die.” I bet it’s his confession to the Mount Hood explosion, but since he wrote it in some Avatar-ish language, our government hasn’t been able to decipher it. Looks like I’ll be busy for the next year or two.
We’ve heard the argument for decades: every school in America should be in session all year long and get rid of the traditional Summer Vacation.
That’s the worst idea we’ve had since Dippin’ Dots. Summer Break is as an American tradition as pretending to sleep through your alarm on Sunday morning to avoid going to church.
I remember in second grade, my teacher told us how intelligent the children living in Asia were because of their intense and competitive education system. They had 12 hour school days, they didn’t use calculators, they studied all weekend, and worst of all, they were in school all year long (when did they play kickball?). After hearing about all of this, the entire class was content with being inferior to these children when it came to intelligence. Then we practiced making fart noises.
Fact: When people from the Far East have their mind set on being the best at something, there is no stopping them. This was proven in the Men’s Trampoline event at the 2008 Summer Olympics. The Asians were amazing, and in the end, three of the top four childish male athletes were from China and Japan (the other was a Canadian who was actually jumping for joy after meeting a relative of Wayne Gretzky).
Ironically, the people who are so passionate about eliminating Summer Vacations are neither the students nor the teachers: they are the bitter American workers who hate their jobs and hate people who are able to enjoy the Summer even more. At this time in their lives they have either forgotten how much they cherished their Summers, or they haven’t forgotten how they were forced to spend every Summer at a fat camp in Wyoming
But if you ask the people who experience our education system five days a week, I guarantee that every one of them will passionately oppose the idea of year-round education. Think about it. You’d be taking away their only reason to participate in the process.
Teachers would no longer be able to experience the three-month drunk essential to taming the temper that they acquired during the previous school year.
Kids, particularly from the north and midwest regions of our country, would no longer be able to go outside during the only time of the year where it is tolerable to do so.
Parents would no longer… actually, parents would probably prefer this, but don’t let them ruin Summer Break like they ruined their child’s all-candy-diet idea.
FACT: American education was designed so mothers could catch up on General Hospital reruns.
Some may argue that children forget the things they’ve learned throughout the school year during Summer Break. That’s incorrect. They don’t forget over the Summer, they forget immediately after they know they don’t need to know it anymore. That useless junk is just taking up the space in the part of their brain that is reserved for Zac Efron trivia and reciting dialogue from Twilight movies, and it is removed as soon as their final exam is completed.
FACT: If we retained everything we learned about in school, Jeopardy would have an extremely hard time picking between contestants.
(potential line of eligible contestants)
Other countries pride themselves on their intellect, but America… not so much. We like being good at other things, such as pointing out how we’re superior to everyone else, tying cherry stems into a knot with our mouths, and basketball. Think about how mad you get when a U.S. Men’s Basketball team is awarded the silver medal. Our government is forced into declaring war on the country who took home the gold (congrats to the 2000 Olympic Gold Medal Team from Afghanistan). We are the stern but compassionate guardian of the world, and we don’t want other countries to experience the pain that comes with losing at something they’ve tried so hard to be the best in. That’s why we purposely throw the World Cup and Miss Universe contests.
So to all you communist scholars out there, I ask that you please don’t try and take away Summer Break. Trust me, it won’t make a difference. Students will forget the periodic table regardless if they spend two months at Pebble Beach. Our youth will not be able to remember what the pythagoreon theorem is even if the Fourth of July is spent in the classroom. And our teachers wont become better at their craft if they are forced to do it year-round. In fact, without Summer Break, the teaching profession would take a huge hit. Why would anyone want to be a teacher when there is no Summer Vacation? The job entails getting treated like dirt by other peoples children. It’s like being a tour guide at Nickelodeon Studios. You don’t want to make it into a career… you just do it until you get a chance to steal something from the Jonas Brothers dressing room and then move onto your next job.
Also, please don’t forget about what we would be doing to Alice Cooper. He depends on the residual checks he receives every June for the frequent airtime his song “School’s Out” gets. Don’t make him have to tell his kids that daddy can’t afford the indoor skydiving machine he promised them for Christmas.
Meet Gerald Mortinson, the most exciting talent to enter into the motivational speaking world since Darrel Blonder.
Mr. Gerald Mortinson
Gerald began his journey into the profession of motivational speaking a little over a year ago, and he has been taking the lackadaisical business world by storm! With a knack for yelling at strangers and treating children like they don’t exist, Mr. Mortinson will inspire even the most unmotivated business associate to become a model employee!
“Gerald spent a long time talking about his vasectomy at one of our quarterly corporate gatherings. He seemed pretty proud of it. Then he cried in front of us for what seemed like an eternity. Later on that day I went back to my desk and got more work done than I ever had before. His approach is unconventional, but effective.” – Phil Harris
Effective is Gerald’s in-your-face technique, which has proven to be one of the greatest weaponsin his motivation arsenal! He will tell you how it is, and how it needs to be when you are dealing with complicated life choices!
“Gerald called one of our finest female employees a “fat communist” in front of everybody. Then he vomited on the VP of Operations and punched him in the mouth. I was shocked. But productivity went up in the office by 200% the following month. Even though he may need to be committed, his method works.” – Louis Drefus
And committed he will be! Committed to go to great lengths to motivate everyone he meets!
“He followed me home from work. He kept referring to me as his “future wife” and said that he wanted to make a doll out of my toes. I wanted to call the police, but he told me that he would kill my parents if I did. It was that threat that motivated me to work hard and make my family proud while they’re still around to watch me succeed. Thanks for the inspiration, Gerald!” – Jennifer Harper
Gerald is willing to go that extra mile to make employee morale skyrocket all the way to Planet Success! He’s even shared some rough stories from his troubled past to increase company productivity, a technique that the people at the John Deere Corporation experienced firsthand!
“He told us a really weird story from his childhood. I don’t want to go into what it was about, but I guarantee you that it was very inappropriate for the workplace. The visuals he brought made it even worse. We eventually had to walk out because we were afraid we were participating in some sort of illegal demonstration. Dozens of our employees quit that day. But guess what? Their leaving opened up our payroll and gave us the revenue we needed to pursue a different business strategy. Now we’re back on top! And even better, our employees have stopped complaining about their jobs after hearing his shocking testimonial. It was sad… but genius.” – Craig Jensen
Sad he is… sad that he can’t be at more than one place at a time! He wants nothing more than to spread his motivation all over the world!
“He doesn’t seem to be very fond of Asians.” – Julie Andrews
He’s not very fond, he’s extremely fond! Fond of everyone and everything!
“He kicked me out of his speech because I was deaf.” – Kevin Deers
There’s no way of proving that, just like there’s no way you can miss out on the motivational stylings of Gerald Mortinson, an ex-escaped felon turned motivational guru!
Please contact us today if you are interested in Gerald Mortinson giving your company the makeover it needs to go from Corporate Geek to Corporate Sheik!
For all of my hippie readers out there, get ready to lose your faith in seanssabbatical.com.
If you look to the left and down, you’ll notice that Google is now putting ads on my website.
Go ahead. Click on one. I think when you do, I get .001th of a penny. If a trillion people click on one, I can turn this website into my career.
If anyone is surprised at my choice to be a sell out, you shouldn’t be. If you read my material, it’s obvious that everything I post on this site is done so with the intent to get me into Ashton Kutcher’s social circle.
What I like the most about having Google put ads on this site is that it shows that Google believes that I’m only entertaining to the obese. I’m not sure if the ads will be updated by the time this is posted, but the ones that I initially saw on my website went as follows…
The first ad was about a surgical obesity center, the second ad was titled “Recipe to Lose Belly Fat,” and the final ad was about Bariatric Surgery. Bariatric Surgery is a weight loss surgery for the morbidly obese.
So it’s obvious that Google thinks I’m obese, and that my readers struggle with weight as well. I’m sorry everyone. I know Google just called us fat, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m like the wimpy nerdy kid and Google is like the quarterback of the football team. But unlike an 80’s teen dramedy, I can’t gain the strength to beat up the quarterback after hearing him insult my readers. Just let Google say anything he wants about us. I’m sure in the end he’ll realize the error of his ways and apologize to us at our 20 year class reunion.
To any readers that decide that my website has become too corporate and will no longer visit it, I’m sorry to lose your support. But have fun being fat.
For those of you who stay on board, enjoy a much healthier lifestyle full of Belly Fat Loss Recipes and multiple Bariatric Surgeries.
This is only the beginning. I want to sell out more and more every month, to the point where you can’t even read my material until you click through at least three dozen ads promoting dangerous weight loss products.
After a week and a half of anticipation, the deadline has passed and the winner of the Seanssabbatical Sentence Writing Contest has been chosen!
Before I list the top five, I want the trillions of people who entered the contest to know how much I appreciate you writing a sentence about what this website means to you and showing your support. I didn’t even know that there were that many people residing on planet Earth.
Because of the mass amounts of responses, it was tough trying to figure out who should win. But in the end, after a lot of soul searching, night terrors, and nosebleeds, I have chosen the top five.
#5 “Reading your blog is nothing more than rehabilitation for my bells palsy, my deepest apologies for my honesty.” – Chris L.
This was followed by a pie chart that listed how frequently the author laughs at my blog (when he reads it after being drunk from the night before, he laughs 22% of the time). Unfortunately I was unable to get the pie chart to post on this website, but the sentence above, along with the proven understanding of the Microsoft Excel spreadsheet application, made this a top five choice.
#4 “Seanssabbatical is not only a religious experience whenever a new blog is posted, but also a way for me to forget about oil spills, gang riots, and the fact that Sean may be poor by the end of the year if he doesn’t get a real job.” – Kyle M.
I like how the author points out how these are difficult times we are living in. Although this is a comedy website, it is important to point out that there is nothing funny about the oil spill in the Gulf.
Well, maybe seeing pictures of seagulls covered in oil is kind of funny…
(OMG, he’s so slimy! LOL!)
#3 “To me Sean’s Sabbatical is the light of hope, hope that maybe there is life outside of the office, where our dreams become reality and we can go bowling by ourselves on a weekday afternoon.” – Jodie S.
It’s true. I frequently go bowling solo during weekdays. Me, senior citizens, and teenage runaways take advantage of $1 bowling and $0.50 licorice ropes every Wednesday. It’s the good life, and a great observation by the author.
Picking the winner between the top two was extremely difficult. Both authors used the comma like it was a period. But since seanssabbatical is a website for bad boys who break all the rules, I looked past the mockery they made of sentence formation.
In the end I had to make the tough choice, and I’m proud to announce the second place runner-up.
#2 “Sean’s Sabbatical has been the gloriously dim, flickering light guiding me toward ignorant, reality-show bliss each and every nonconsecutive day for the past year of my uninspired and unmotivated life, and in all its mockumental H-R Merz-bashing stupenditude, it has truly made me intend to throw away my employment, security, and social life to build a blog of my own some day.” – Matthew W.
It’s a delightful sentence. Although I can’t confirm that “stupenditude” is actually a word, I use it daily now. I’m also glad to hear that this website has motivated others to make terrible career choices. People can stop blaming Obama about the unemployment rate and start blaming me.
Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The sentence that beat out the competition.
And the winner is…
#1 “Seanssabatical.com is a constant reminder that while I wake up and go to work at 6 am, Sean is on his 13th Old Style watching “The Hills” Reruns with an unwashed sticky taint thinking of funny and unique ways to call me a girl, printing unfair assumptions about dreamy Joran van der Sloot, and fantasizing about an extremely handsome Swiss Politician Pedophile.” – Brian M.
With the use of the word taint (a first time on seanssabbatical), as well as the admiration the author has for Joran van der Sloot, this sentence squeaked by the competition and made it into the number one slot. Along with an autograph picture of myself and a lifelong subscription to seanssabbatical.com (an estimated net worth of $0.00), the winner will have the responsibility honor of financially supporting me when I run out of money. In fact, a Paypal account will be set up soon so he can transfer the money I’ll need to buy the stamp required to send the autographed picture. Congrats!
Thanks again to everyone who participated, and to everyone who takes the time to read the blogs I write. It has made my sabbatical completely worth it, no matter how many weird things I may be doing for money by Christmas.
Lastly, I want to give an honorable mention to the contestant who didn’t make it into the top five, but came very close with the sentence, “Seanssabbatical ate my baby.” – Jackelyn H. It was touching and hopefully untrue.
It is approaching a year since I started my sabbatical, and to commemorate this historical event I’ve decided to have a contest for my dozens of adoring readers.
The Contest
Write a sentence about what seanssabbatical.com means to you, and email it to seanssabbatical@gmail.com. You can be funny, dark, mean, insulting, degrading, honest, dishonest, tragic, whatever. But you can only use one sentence. And it must be in English. Because of the public school system I can’t speak a second language. I also don’t know where Germany is.
I will be choosing my top five favorite sentences, and if I choose yours as the best, not only will I publish it on this insanely popular website with the other four, but I will also send you an autographed picture of myself!
The contest will end on Friday, July 16th at 6 p.m., and the winner will be announced on Monday, July 19th. Full discretion will be used when announcing the winner since I’m guessing that most of my readers have legal troubles. For example, if your name is The Unabomber, I will list you as T. Unabomber.
If you have any questions about this contest, please refer to the paragraphs above since I explained it pretty clearly.
Seanssabbatical is not only a comedy website that has been forced to point out the wrongdoings of Hans-Rudolf Merz; it is also a thriving business that helps single men with their online dating usernames.
The Seanssabbatical Username Generating Team guarantees to utilize every single character available to you when creating the perfect online handle. Within days your online dating life will be served in two flavors: HOT and EXTRA SPICY! Not convinced? Check out our track record!
Success Stories
An unpopular man-child that worked at the mole exhibit in a children’s petting zoo in St. Claire, Rhode Island came to us in dire need of a good username. He felt that it wasn’t his looks or his profile, but his online username that was leading to his misfortunes. After hearing about the passion he had for his work, as well as the love that he had for his hometown, we took care of all of his popularity issues.
Username: ChildMoleStR
“Now I’m listed on a ton of child predator websites!” – Charles, St. Clarire, RI.
Looks like your popularity is already on the rise, Charles! You’re welcome!
A man came to us from Gina, South Carolina. We immediately knew how to utilize his 7 character maximum.
Username: ManGina
“I’m getting a lot of tranny’s contacting me.” – Gerald, Gina, SC
TMI Gerald! But you’re welcome!
A man who was in line to inherit the African Race Estate came to us with hat in hand. Although he was a future millionaire, he didn’t know how to utilize this fact in order to score with the ladies. We came up with a username that let women know of the estate to which this man was soon to become the sole proprietor.
Username: RaceEst1
“Since utilizing your service, I’ve frequently been getting pamphlets from the Klu Klux Klan” – Chris, Norridge, NY
What is that, a swingers community? You’re welcome!
A fellow came to us months ago with one of the most peculiar cases we’ve ever dealt with. He wanted to pay homage to his deceased parents, but didn’t want to get a tattoo. Instead, he wanted to honor their memory in his online username. We swiftly took over from there. He was allowed 12 characters, so our team got together and decided to use the initials of his mother and father. His dad’s name was Larry Edward Rollins, and his mother’s maiden name was Harriet Ingrid Tomlin. We combined the initials, and because we’re gentlemen, we let the lady go first!
Username: H.I.T.L.E.R.
“I decided against using the username you gave me.” – Frank, Atlanta, GA
Enjoy your life alone, Frank! Don’t go blaming us this Valentine’s Day!
A guy from Portland contacted us a week back. He lacked self-confidence and the imagination it takes to create a wonderful username. We asked him what his greatest accomplishment was. He said it had to be the time that he destroyed his brother in a game of ping pong. We used the strongest synonym we could find for the word “destroy” to brag about Wes’ rather miniscule accomplishment.
Username: IMurderedMyBro
“Immediately after I used your service, I was arrested.” – Wes, Portland, OR
By the love police? You’re welcome!
Carl came to us with a question: “Do I brag about my donkey farm in my username, or should I mention how much I like liquor?” I told him, “You shouldn’t have to choose!” 10 characters later, this booze loving man with a passion for God’s lovely mistake of an animal was given the perfect username to brag about his two passions.
Username: AssLiquor
“Do you guys say your usernames out loud before assigning them?” – Carl, Stoneridge, MA
We don’t do anything that takes time away from servicing our clients! Thanks for noticing, and you’re welcome!
A husky gentlemen came to us wondering what to do with his 12 characters. We talked with him for a while. His name was Kim and he was an accomplished underwear salesman. Because of his rank within the company, coworkers referred to him as Sir, a suffix that he was particularly proud of. When I asked him what he wanted in a woman, he was very specific about having… well… a woman with generous proportions, particularly in the bosom area. No problem! We came up with what may be our most revealing name yet!
Username: UnSirKimSizD
“Why do anti-semitic women keep calling me?” Kim, Charleston, NC
Sounds like you’re fighting off the females left and right! You’re welcome!
So contact us immediately if you want to take your online dating profile to the next level. Otherwise, get used to a life of seclusion and loneliness.
The other day another obesity study was released, and once again the Americans are the World Champions!
If we all weren’t so out of shape, I’d suggest that we take a bow.
When these studies come out, everyone debates what the problem is. Our food isn’t healthy. We watch too much television. We’re lazy.
I think all of these reasons are bogus. I mean, we do eat unhealthy, we do watch too much television, and we are extremely lazy, but that’s not why we’re fat. The real culprit behind our need for numerous Big and Tall clothing stores is the sport that America neglects like it was a Gosselin child:
Soccer
Every other country in the world (excluding Canada… if we are even counting that as a country) loves soccer. They love watching it, they love playing it, and they love fighting over it. Unfortunately Americans seem to be the only ones in the world to understand one crucial detail about this beloved sport: it’s extremely boring.
I’ve tried to catch World Cup fever. Unfortunately because I’m American, it’s easier for me to contract HIV. Over the past couple of weeks, if I was sitting and watching soccer, I would almost immediately fall asleep. If I was already asleep and soccer was playing on the television, I would slip into a mild coma. It’s 89.9 minutes of kicking a ball back and forth and about .01 minutes of plays that can make a highlight reel. It makes televised bowling feel like the finale of M.A.S.H.
European countries don’t struggle with obesity like we do because they enjoy playing soccer. It’s an active sport where the players probably run about 5 miles a game, if not more. But the majority of us don’t waste our time with this sport because it’s dull. We have better ways to bore ourselves for 90 minutes. That’s what The History Channel is for.
What doesn’t help our obesity rate is the fact that the American pastime is considered to be baseball. When it comes to the physical activity required for a sport, baseball is just above darts.
Look at these guys…
Most baseball players probably run a total of 1 minute per game, and a majority that running typically takes place when the player is hurrying to the clubhouse to be first in line for the cheese buffet. But this is our pastime. Most of us are forced to play it for years when we are children, and it’s then that our inactive tendencies begin to develop.
But it could be worse… we could be playing soccer.
So when other countries point their skinny fingers at us Americans and our plus sized lifestyles, lets keep our gigantic heads up. Because although we may be big, at least we don’t enjoy soccer.
Today I went to the gym, and for a while I was all by myself. Since the uncomfortable silence at that place makes it feel more like a monastery than a recreation center, I decided to pump up the volume on a t.v. that was airing the Game Show Network, a television station designed for stay at home dads and drinking games.
The first game show that was playing was an extremely old episode of Family Feud. I know it was old because Richard Dawson was the host and all the women looked like Charlie’s Angels.
I love Family Feud, but I’ve never seen episodes from the 70’s… and let me tell you, I was shocked to see how Mr. Dawson would kiss all the female contestants on the lips. This must have been before the canker sore era, cause that man was kissing anything in sight.
I was really taken aback when one young woman, who was probably around seventeen, kissed him. It felt very inappropriate to watch a senior citizen violate a minor on national television, but it got even worse. After the kiss he said that the kiss wasn’t satisfactory, so she seductively responded with, “I can do it again.” Then he kissed her once more…while her dad was standing right next to her.
Ew.
I had no idea The Feud was a show for sexually promiscuous families. I felt like I wasn’t old enough to be watching such mature material. It made me very uncomfortable.
The next show that was on was Deal Or No Deal.
I used to watch this show at least once a week, and I never saw anyone even come close to winning. But today there was a woman who had five cases to go, and the $1,000,000 case was still in play. While deciding what to do, the woman trying to win the million went to her friends for advice.
This part always upsets me. Every time someone is doing well on the show, one of their friends, typically an angry looking overweight blonde female, is insistent that the contestant continue to play. But I know it’s not because they feel like it’s a smart strategic move… it’s because they are jealous and don’t want their more fortunate and better looking friend to succeed. So in this instance, when she was guaranteed over $250,000 with five more cases to open, the contestant asked her friends what she should do. The angry overweight friend told her that, “I hate it when contestants say deal. Say “no deal!”"
What the hell kind of advice is that? On television this is a game that we are all far removed from, so of course when we are watching it we want the person to take a risk. But this is her friend. This is real. She could potentially throw away over $200,000 dollars by continuing to play. It’s like telling my friend that because I like watching him run over innocent bystanders when he plays Grand Theft Auto, I think he should plow his car through a crowded street festival.
The girl took her “friend’s” advice, and before we could see if this was a smart move, Howie sent us to commercial. Since I was done with my intense military-style workout (12 push ups spaced out in four sets of three and 2 minutes on the elliptical machine), I had to make a decision: stay another 5 minutes just watching television at a public gym or go home. I went home.
I don’t know what happened with this contestant. Maybe she went home with the million… or maybe she went home with $7 because she took financial advice from a woman whose only job is to raise hell at P.T.A. meetings and local video stores. Whatever the outcome, this episode proves that if you have a mean friend that has never wished you well, you should never invite them to be a consultant on Deal Or No Deal.
Please help me find my humor. I haven’t seen it in weeks. It’s my fault. I abused my humor. I forced it into a Seanssabbatical Megaweek, and it hasn’t been back since.
I can no longer think of anything funny to write. It’s been like this for a while. Don’t pretend you haven’t noticed. Come on… Historical Figures and Their Favorite Movies? Not only was it not funny, but it was wildly inaccurate. I’m trying to tell people that Betsy Ross wouldn’t have enjoyed the film D2: The Mighty Ducks? Of course she would! Emilio Estevez was in it. Plus the mere concept of a moving picture would have entertained her to the point of a nosebleed. And Hitler would have liked Annie? No he wouldn’t! Annie was a red head. He would have had her executed before she left the orphanage.
I’ve sat here many times this month just staring at the computer screen and waiting for my humor to return… but it’s gone. I feel like my blog has turned into the show Frasier.
So I’ve decided to put out an Amber Alert for my humor. I’ve never really seen what my humor looks like, so when it comes to giving a physical description I can only make a guess…
My Humor
He’s probably a biter and extremely ticklish, so approach him with caution and without tickle fingers. But I need him back. This blog cannot survive without him. God knows we don’t want to go through another Yo Momma Joke blog. I had people I don’t even know telling me how much they hated that one.
So if you see my humor, please contact me. I can’t survive without him. Don’t believe me? I almost posted a blog of pick up lines, and one of them was, “If you weren’t Amish, I would take you to the movies. By the way, are you Amish?” WHAT IS THAT?!? I DON’T EVEN GET IT!!!
And Humor, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for exploiting you and forcing you to work so hard to make up for my average looks and funky body type. I promise to stop attempting to be witty. I promise no more Twilight jokes. I even promise to stop pretending to hit my head on glass doors in public places. I just need you back. Without you, I have the sense of humor of Joran van der Sloot.
(potential line of eligible contestants)
(OMG, he’s so slimy! LOL!)
