Traffic on my website has been down lately. People would probably attribute this to my sporadic and and infrequent posting. Personally, I’d rather blame it on the holidays. And maybe 9/11. Whatever it is, it’s out of my hands. I even resorted to putting up a picture of an old man with a black eye, the internets sure-fire way to gain an audience. But it didn’t work. Traffic is still sparse. This needs to change.
So in a cheap but necessary ploy to get more hits on my website, I’m going to have to give what readers want.
Lindsay Lohan recently did a photo shoot for Playboy, and the issue is supposed to hit filthy newstands next week. I just read that the photos were leaked to the internet, and after doing some research I was able to locate the Lohan picture that everyone on the internet wants to see. So although I try to keep this website somewhat appropriate, I have to do this. I hope you’ll understand.
Detroit Lions’ fans recently made national news when they petitioned to have their Thanksgiving half-time show performance by Nickleback canceled.
“This is a nationally televised game. We don’t want Nickleback doing the half-time show. It would ruin Detroit’s reputation!”
While it is impossible for the reputation of America’s Yeast Infection to get any worse, Detroit’s fan base is adamant that a Nickleback performance would only worsen a game that for decades has caused more Thanksgiving naps than tryptophan. Nickleback lead singer Chad Kroeger was shocked to hear the news.
“Detroit has a football team?”
The Lions, whose last playoff win came hours after Lincoln’s signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, have shocked the football world by starting the season 6-2. Just three years after failing to win a regular season game, this fast start has left Lions fans with a sense of pride that they haven’t felt since 8 Mile brought home an Oscar for Best Original Song. But America isn’t ready to embrace Lions football.
Because there are no quality television programs airing on the anniversary of when the pilgrims started to realize that they didn’t like diversity, year after year Americans have been forced to watch Lions football on Thanksgiving day. The game has proven to be more painful than the smallpox epidemic that was soon to come to half of the attendees at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Yet Detroit fans think that having Nickleback perform would be an insult.
Regardless of their recent success, over the years Detroit Lions football has ruined more Thanksgiving dinners than teenage pregnancy announcements, while Nickleback music has only dared us to feel emotions that we never even knew we had.
Autopsy Reveals that Gary Coleman Died From a Brain Hemorrhage Caused By Never Knowing what People were Talking About
On May 28, 2010, the world lost the second greatest African-American sitcom actor from the 80s who stood below 5 feet tall.
(1st)
Gary Coleman, the star of Different Strokes, passed away after being put on life support for over 24 hours at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. Although the cause of death was originally reported as an epidural hematoma, further investigation has discovered that the actor died from a brain hemorrhage. The cause for this brain hemorrhage, revealed by Dr. George Fiston of the Utah Center for Autopsy, is as shocking as it is hilarious.
“We believe that after decades of struggling to figure out what people were talking about, too much stress was put on the brain, causing the hemorrhage that took his life.”
It turns out that his catch phrase “what you talking about” was actually not a catch phrase at all, but rather a serious inquiry into the meaning of the conversation being had by those around him.
“We never wrote the line ‘what you talking about’ into a script of Different Strokes,” says Budd Grossman, executive producer of the show. “We heard him say it once between takes and he said it in such a funny way that we decided to put it into the show. But he hated it and refused to read it off of a script. So after a while we were forced to intentionally confuse him so he would blurt it out. That’s why we had that episode where Dudley gets molested. Gary had no idea what being molested was… nobody did in the early 80s. We got about 12 ‘what you talking about’s’ out of him. It really lightened the mood of that episode. It even made being molested kind of funny.”
But the confusion didn’t stop there. Todd Bridges revealed that many times on set they were forced to speak Mandarin in order to make the child star belt out his famous line.
“It was kind of fun. During the break between season 4 and 5, the entire cast except for Gary took a class where we learned to speak Mandarin. The next season we would do all of our lines in the Chinese language and the editors would cut in our lines later. Gary didn’t know what the heck was going on! Of course me and the actress who played Kimberly were both on blow, so we didn’t really know either. But it was fun. God I miss the fucking 80s!”
By experiencing so much confusion, Gary’s brain was damaged beyond repair once the curtains were closed on Different Strokes. So much of his intelligence was lost that he began naturally struggling with figuring out what people were talking about, no matter how simple the subject matter was.
“It wasn’t an act,” says ex-wife Shannon Price. “He didn’t know what was going on. I would say something, he would say ‘what you talking about Shannon?,’ I would laugh, and he would storm off. It’s what led to our divorce.”
Prince Harry’s Fire Crotch to Light the Unity Candle at Royal Wedding
In a surprising announcement, the British Monarchy has announced that Prince Harry will take a very non-traditional role in April’s Royal Wedding. Instead of acting as best man for brother William, the only use the ceremony will have for Harry are his fire pubes.
“We believe that the role of best man would be too stressful for Harry. So we felt that we would put his red pubes to good use and have them light the unity candle. It’s a very special part of the ceremony, and Prince Ginger-Kid is thrilled to be a part of it.”
A drinking game designed to make the movie Precious a little more precious
**The Precious Drinking Game should be played with at least one other person and exclusively with Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Beer, the highest calorie beer available**
The Rules
1. Every time Precious is mistreated, mistreat one of your friends by making them take two drinks.
2. Whenever you can tell that Precious has her eyes open, take a drink.
3. Each time Mariah Carey comes onto the screen, have everyone in the room take turns naming one of her songs without repeating. The person who cannot continue must drink the rest of their beer while the other players sing Mariah’s ‘Hero.’ If you don’t already know the lyrics (loser), please press play.
4. When Precious steals the bucket of chicken from Kickin Fried Chicken, chug your beer the entire time she is running away without taking a breath. When she is done running, stop drinking and catch your breath while she does the same.
5. Whenever a character is diagnosed with AIDS, pass your beer to your neighbor without looking at them and demand they take thirty-two drinks.
6. Every time Precious hits one of her classmates, hit the fridge for another beer and finish it before Precious whacks someone else. Hurry!
7. Take a drink any time Monique makes you laugh, because this isn’t one of her comedic roles. You should be ashamed of yourself. She put her heart and soul into this character, and you’re laughing? She won an Oscar for this damn it! You know what? Take two drinks because you’re pissing me off.
8. Every time Precious is the victim of child abuse, have everyone share a story about a time when they were the victims of abuse. The person who comes closest to crying has to chug a beer for being a pussy.
9. Each player has to end every sentence they say with, “Based on the novel Push by Sapphire.”
Example: “Can we pause the movie so I can pee… based on the novel Push by Sapphire?”
If a player fails to do this, start the movie over.
It’s the blog that I’ve gotten the most grief about. It’s the blog that has caused strangers to curse me out and tell me how terrible I am. It’s the blog that has caused family members to change their last name and un-invite me to holiday parties.
That’s right, I’m talking about my blog titled…
YO MOMMA JOKES!!!!!
I have never heard anything good about this post. In fact, I still get emails from people leaving comments on how stupid it was. The most recent was a delight. Two weeks ago I logged into my email to find a message with the subject ”FUCK YOU,” and a message stating “THEY SUCKED SOOOOOOOOO BAD.” Another stranger informed me that, “Dude, u suck.” While the intention of the blog was for it to be so bad that it was good (like the movie Schindler’s List), it apparently missed the mark.
After this much criticism, you’d think I’d be tempted to delete this blog from the website.
But I’m going the opposite direction, and giving my most despised blog….
AN AUDIO TRACK!!!!!
Let the hilarity begin!
Yo momma gets nosebleeds!
Yo momma so fat, there’s an Amber Alert out for her belly button!
Yo momma so fat and stupid, she thought running for president meant running to the Jewel to buy President’s Choice cookies! (optional: “And they some nasty cookies!”)
Yo momma gave my dog rabies!
Yo momma’s toenails are so sharp, they were used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson!
Yo momma’s so clueless, she thought 9/11 was 0.818181!
Yo momma so poor and desperate, she brought Monopoly money to the currency exchange!
Yo momma’s eyebrows are so thick, Alan Thicke sued her! (with this one, quickly go into another “yo momma” joke before people realize that it doesn’t make sense)
Yo momma ate the library!
Yo momma’s missing!
Yo momma so dumb, she thought the vacuum cleaner was a device to clean her vacuum!
Yo momma so stupid, she thought she was putting farts into her gas tank!
Yo momma’s head so big, kids hope she gets dandruff so they can get a day off of school!
Yo momma’s a truck driver!
Yo momma’s so manly, she’s Burt Reynolds!
Yo momma’s dead!
Yo momma went to DeVry!
Yo momma’s so boring, she’s from Montana!
Yo momma eats so much food, she gonna get diabetes!
Yo momma likes flavors and winter so much, she ate Vanilla Ice!
Yo momma so old, she knew the thirteenth president of the United States! (if the person replies with, “You mean Millard Fillmore?” come back with, “Dang, you’s a nerd!)
Everyday, millions of people use the word ‘ignorant’ to describe friends and strangers alike. But a recent report shows that the people who use this adjective most often are actually using it incorrectly.
Rebecca Kimble, a lifetime resident of the Chicagoland area, is a living example of this phenomenon.
Last Tuesday, after seeing a homeless stranger taking a nap on the bus she was riding on, Rebecca scowled and said, “that guy is soooo ignorant.” Although the man was sleepy, homeless, unbathed, and hairy, there was no indication that he was ignorant. Rebecca continued to spout the insult, calling the bus driver ‘ignorant’ for driving too slow, the mail lady ‘ignorant’ for having thick ankles, and her boyfriend ‘ignorant’ for surprising her with a wedding proposal.
“She obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the word,” said a coworker who wished to remain anonymous. “I made a joke the other day and she called me ignorant. That would maybe work if my joke was tasteless, but it was a knock-knock joke. And she laughed at it. Really hard. At first I thought she maybe got the word ‘ignorant’ confused with the word ‘hilarious,’ but after hearing her refer to the untimely death of a coworkers spouse as ‘ignorant,’ I have no idea what she thinks ‘ignorant’ means.”
Ironically, when Rebecca is calling everyone ‘ignorant,’ she is in fact being ignorant herself. ‘Ignorant,’ which is defined in Websters as “lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified,” is what Rebecca is being when she misuses the word, since she is lacking the knowledge of the meaning of the word ‘ignorant.’ When she was approached with this information, she called our reporter “ignorant” and stormed out of the room.
SEANSABBATICAL BREAKING NEWS is the newest feature on this beloved website!!!
Besides getting your non-daily fix of humor, I want this blog to also be a respected and dependable news source. Inspired by Fox News, I will be ignoring facts and necessary research in order to bring you the best and most exciting news in the country! I promise I will stop at nothing to give you the stories you need to hear, and if other news outlets try claiming that my reports are inaccurate, remember that the left wing media is run by Nazi’s.
Let the inaccurate reporting begin!!!
BREAKING NEWS!!!
Illiterate Adults Find Wheel of Fortune Offensive
For the past month, the producers of the hit television game show Wheel of Fortune have been greeted by protesters when arriving to Sony Pictures Studio. But what’s the reason? Do the protesters think that the letter “y” should always be considered a vowel? Are they angry at Vanna White for holding the secret to eternal life? Or are they fed up with not knowing the true gender of Pat Sajak?
????????
None of the above.
The problem actually has to do with their own misfortunes.* These protesters are mad at the show because they are illiterate.
The group GHHH, which is supposed to stand for Illiterate Adults Around America, finds Wheel of Fortune offensive in that it only caters to those who can read. Gerald Ostrick, the founder of GHHH, explained.
“It’s insulting! A bunch of adults showing off the fact that they have a solid grasp of the alphabet! It’s called boasting, and it’s illegal!”
Boasting, which is definitely not illegal, is the accusation made against the show that has shocked the President of Sony Pictures, Jeff Blake.
“For the first couple of weeks we had no idea that we were being protested. They had signs and everything, but… you know… they’re illiterate. Nothing was spelled right. We thought maybe they were protesting Family Feud for being racist, which happens quite often. But when we heard that we were being accused of “boasting,” we were shocked. We thought promoting literacy was a good thing. I guess we were wrong… ??”
Pat Sajak was not as kind.
“Screw those guys! And put that in print, cause I know they won’t be able to read it!”
Pat Sajak, who has been suffering from “cranky old tranny’s disease” (COTD) since 2007, refused to retract this statement when the studio requested he do so.
THIS JUST IN!!!
The producers of Wheel of Fortune are refusing to change the format of the show and have suggested that the protesters watch more “Win, Lose, or Draw” reruns.
“Mary is making me go to a play tonight. I swear, her luv for the theatre is going to be the death of me!” – Abraham Lincoln, April 16th, 1865
“Me and the family just missed our flight!! Bought 6 tickets for nothing!! ARRRRGH!! So mad!!!” – Jarod Canan, one of six Hindenburg survivors, May 6, 1937.
“Just bought front row tickets for tonights game!!! Life is perfect!!! World Series, here we come!!!” – Steve Bartman, October 14th, 2003
“Planning on getting crazy tonight with the boys. Time to make a memory fellas!” – Joran van der Sloot, May 30th, 2005
“Work today and then a movie.” – Lee Harvey Oswald, November 22, 1963
“Bought my first dog today. Don’t know what to do with it.” – Michael Vick, 2005
“My apartment stinks. I don’t think my neighbor flushes his toilet. ” – Phil Kardian, former neighbor of Jeffrey Dahmer
“What the hell is going on?!?!?” – Helen Keller, 1922
Sometimes I worry that my blog only caters to a certain crowd (Korean war heroes). Although I love my readers, I want to take seanssabbatical.com to a global level. That’s why I decided to make this particular post for all types of people.
This blog has a little bit of everything: various styles of humor, great pictures, Avatars, bold lettering, exclamation points, and surprise a special guest at the end!
LET THE MADNESS BEGIN!!!
WHOA!!! AN OPTICAL ILLUSION!!! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!?!
Quick Seinfeld-esque joke:
What’s the deal with evaporation?
Hope you brought your 3D glasses!!!!!
3D STUFFED ANIMAL!!!!!
Quick Observational Joke:
Women love the mall!
TWO AVATARS!!!!
Quick Knock Knock Joke:
Knock Knock.
…
…
…
…
Isn’t anyone going to answer?!?
(the man inside is dead)
JUSTIN BIEBER ON A HORSE!!!
The Chinese Symbol For Tickling:
POLITICAL HUMOR:
ABRAHAM LINCOLN IN SUNGLASSES!!!!
Aint no party like an emoticon party!!
Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Elton John!!!
I think I might have actually loss some readers after this one.
The Lions, whose last playoff win came hours after Lincoln’s signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, have shocked the football world by starting the season 6-2. Just three years after failing to win a regular season game, this fast start has left Lions fans with a sense of pride that they haven’t felt since 8 Mile brought home an Oscar for Best Original Song. But America isn’t ready to embrace Lions football.
(1st)
????????
“Mary is making me go to a play tonight. 
I swear, her luv for the theatre is going to be the death of me!” – Abraham Lincoln, April 16th, 1865
WHOA!!! AN OPTICAL ILLUSION!!! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!?!
