Panama: The Story of my 80s Mishap
On a Friday during my first semester at the University of Illinois, my friend Courtney and I had made plans to see the second best 80s metal cover band in the midwest:
Hairbangers Ball 2
Panama: The Story of my 80s Mishap
Hairbangers Ball is an 80s cover band that frequently plays around the Chicagoland area. Right before I left for school, my older brother took me to one of their shows. It was amazing. Within an hour the lead singer was on stage pouring Jack Daniels into my mouth. Aside from seeing LFO at the Allstate Arena, that was the single best concert experience of my life. So when I heard that their back up band was coming to U of I, I knew that I had to be there. And I also knew that I had to go with Courtney because she was a huge 80s rock fan… so much so that she showed up that evening wearing an 80s snake skin jacket.
Acknowledgment of My 80s Music Devotion
Before I go on with the story, I want to make it clear that I am a fan of 80s music. It’s delightful. However, I am not the biggest 80s rock fan that you’ll find. I enjoy the music, I enjoy the transgender outfits the guys wore, and I really enjoy hearing about the drug problems they all had. However, there are other musical genres that I appreciate more, and my knowledge of 80s metal pales in comparison to others. Sure, I know most of the big 80’s hits and have a few Bon Jovi cds… but when track 9 off of Warrant’s third album is being played, I have no idea what it is.
Side Story
Before we headed to the venue, we decided to stop at a bar along the way to do some pre-drinking. While we were there, Courtney bumped into a guy she knew. Since it was so long ago I can’t remember what he looked like, but I do remember that he was sporting a beautiful brown leather jacket. I was fascinated with it. When Courtney left to go get a drink, I had to let him know how much I admired it.
“I like your coat.”
After I said this, he looked at me with a devastated face. Then with a somber voice he responded.
“It was my grandpa’s.”
…………..
oops.
Anytime your first attempt at small talk leads to an emotional declaration about a recently deceased relative, it really discourages you from asking anymore questions. So after having the shortest conversation in the history of our country, we sat there silently until Courtney came back.
The Concert
The venue that the band was playing at wasn’t very big. This was good because it made it easy to get up to the front row even though there was a pretty decent crowd. After me and Courtney grabbed a drink, we headed towards the stage to get the best spots available.
When the band first came out on stage, I knew it was going to be a great night. Why? Because the snakeskin pants that the lead singer was wearing perfectly matched the snakeskin coat that Courtney had on. It was like witnessing the reunion of long lost twins. He quickly spotted Courtney’s coat and pointed to his pants to signal that he noticed the match. All was grand.
The first hour of the show was a good for me, but not great. Although they played some songs that I knew, a pretty fair amount of their set list was unfamiliar to me. I put up a front like I knew all the songs, but I was struggling. In fact, I put up such a good front that when the female singer was belting out yet another song that I didn’t know, she put her head by mine and the microphone between us so I could sing along with her. Unfortunately I had to just stand there silently with an uncomfortable smile until she took the mic away and found a guy that actually knew the song. Although it was a tad humiliating, I was fortunate enough to get the chance to redeem myself in front of everyone.
After playing a couple more songs that I’d never heard of, they started playing “Panama” by Van Halen. I was ecstatic to finally be rocking out to a song that I was familiar with, and I displayed this excitement with constant jumping and fist pumping. The lead singer noticed how much I was digging the song, and when it got to the chorus he gave me the microphone.
For those of you who don’t know, right before the chorus hits in “Panama,” there is a break in the singing, a guitar riff, and the lead singer yells, “PANAMA!” It’s brilliant.
I couldn’t believe I was getting the chance to sing the chorus. When the microphone was put up to my face, I grabbed it, looked into the lead singers eyes, and belted out, “PANAMA!!!”
Boom! I had redeemed myself! Everyone around me now knew that I was a huge 80s fan, and the mishap earlier was all a fluke. But after my moment of redemption, I immediately sensed there was a problem.
After passionately screaming “PANAMA!” into the microphone, the lead singer took it away from me and gave me a funny look. Then he continued singing the words, “What goes around, comes around.”
“What the hell is he singing?” I thought to myself. Then it quickly hit me.
“Oh shit! I sang the wrong song!”
He was singing “Round and Round” by Ratt, a song that I’d maybe heard twice before in my life, and a song that, to me, sounds exactly like Van Halen’s “Panama.” I had been given the keys to the 80s rock kingdom, and I blew it. My lack of 80s knowledge was exposed to all the people around me, and for the rest of the show I stayed away from the front of the stage.
To this day, if I hear “Panama” or “Round and Round,” I wait til the chorus until I start singing along. Actually, if the song turns out to be “Round and Round” I just turn it off, for not only does the song invoke painful and humiliating memories, but it also kind of sucks.
