Seanez Hilton: The Hottest Roselle Gossip Column in the Country
Celebrity gossip columns are the hottest thing on the internet these days. Perez Hilton, TMZ, E! Online… these sites are visited more often at the work place than any website that updates the status of the company’s stock.
Because I want this blog to be as popular as possible, I am totally willing to spread gossip about celebrities. Unfortunately (fortunately) I don’t live in L.A. where the celebrities are plentiful. Instead I live in Roselle, Il, where the last celebrity sighting was October 23rd, 1993, when Mr. T. took a train through our downtown area (kids still get a day off of school on the anniversary).
Since celebrities are so scarce around here, I decided that I would just gossip about the citizens of Roselle so frequently that they themselves end up becoming celebrities. These are the juicy stories I was able to obtain.
Susan Caught Red Handed!
Susan Gates, an employee at the Citgo Gas Station located at the corner of North and Franklin, was caught counting money today after a customer exchanged it for goods and services. “I had no idea what was going on!” explained the surprised customer. “She just kept counting!” Susan’s reps were confused on what was being reported and declined to comment on the incident.
Grace Late For Work!
Local businesswoman Grace Gole forgot where she put her keys last night, causing her to be late for work. “I just forgot where I put them! Then I found them! It was a relief, but also frustrating!” Her manager was not available to make a statement, but a source that works closely with him is reporting that he is not happy. Yikes!
High School Student Caught Cheating!
An unididentified student at Lake Park High School was reportedly caught cheating on a test today. Sources say it was a male in his teens. “I bet it was Richard Larsen,” claimed former girlfriend Lindsay Rollings. “He’s a dog.” Woof woof!
My Neighbor is Going to The Bulls Game!
My next door neighbor, whose name I have yet to figure out, is reportedly attending the next Bulls home game. I was on the scene as he revealed this information to the other person that was on the elevator with us. We will hopefully have a full update on how it went in the future.
DOG REPORTED LOST HAS BEEN FOUND!
Molly, the most popular puppy is Roselle, was found today after weeks of searching! Meredith Krause, the 26 year old owner of Molly, found the precious puppy dead under her living room sofa. “I’m glad she’s home!” exclaimed an ecstatic Meredith. “What am I saying? She never left home!” Investigators are looking into whether Meredith realizes the puppy is dead.
Phil Caught Jaywalking!
Philip Joseph Getz, better known as PJ’s, was caught jaywalking around 1:32 pm on Tuesday in the Middleton subdivision. The lifelong crossing guard is known as a role model for helping children develop the skills necessary to cross the streets safely at all times. The news sent a shock wave through the community. “I can’t believe this is happening!” cried a parent who wished to remain anonymous. “What am I supposed to tell my kids?!?”
A representative for Getz claims that his client was at his home and was simply crossing the street to get his friend’s mail who is currently on vacation. His friend wasn’t in town to comment.
UPDATE ON HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT CAUGHT CHEATING
Richard Larsen, formally accused of cheating on a test at Lark Park High School by his former girlfriend, reportedly attends the University of Chicago. Although he did not cheat on the test, his history of infidelity is being investigated.
Steven Not in the Mood for Taco Bell!
Local construction worker/Taco Bell enthusiast Steven Defrain asked his coworkers today if they could get something other than Taco Bell for lunch. “I’m just not in the mood for it,” he told one of our reporters. “I had it last night.” Taco Bell has yet to confirm this statement.