DAtiNg: One Nite Stands ONLY
On my way home the other day, with about 10 minutes to go before I reached my destination, I saw a man out of the corner of my eye taping up a sheet of paper on the subway. He taped the flier right as he was exiting the train, and the quickness in which he did it made him appear nervous. This made me extremely curious about what he had put up, and as I walked over to see what his sign said, I was not disappointed.
I was baffled by what I saw. I contemplated ripping it down and taking it home with me, but because it took time and bravery for this man to put himself out there the way he did, I decided instead to awkardly take pictures of it with my phone in front of disappointed strangers. Then I got home and recreated this sign to the best of my ability, using the exact verbage and use of upper and lower case letters that this man did. The only thing I altered was the phone numbers that he provided, because I didn’t want any readers to call this man and insult him. I refuse to have this website be involved in cyber-bullying.
(OMG!)
Here is a picture of the creative and perplexing sign that this man put up.
When I saw it from afar, I thought that it was an advertisement for a dating service. Turns out I was right… it’s just that this service is only for one man, and this man refuses to fuck around. Lets start from the top.
There is no better way to begin a personal ad better than a misspelled oxymoron. Dating: one nite stands only. The only thing that dating and one night stands have in common is that they both lead to faithful housewives getting herpes. This man wants a serious date, and on this serious date he seriously wants to get busy and never talk to his date ever again. It’s as clear as a David Lynch film (FILM SCHOOL JOKE!!!!)
What is great is that this man provides two numbers to be contacted at. One of them is most likely his personal line, and the other is either the number to his work phone, his probation officer, or his annoyed niece’s cellphone, who continues to regret saying that she owed her uncle a favor after that time he got wine coolers for her and her 18-year-old friends.
As if this Cassonova even needed it, the rest of the flier provides a glimpse into what a one night stand with him would be like. There’s only one rule:
Men need not apply. This flier is for the ladies, and while grabbing a buddy and going out to get some cake and ice cream may sound like the perfect dudes day, this man has made it clear that he is looking for love with the opposite sex.
A first date, especially one that is absolutely required to end in sex, can be awkward in a variety of ways. While keeping up a conversation with a complete stranger and avoiding long pauses can be uncomfortable, it is figuring out activities to do in the hours before forced intercourse that can make a date seem more like a job interview. This man has taken care of it by listing an assortment of activities and places that, while at times extremely vague, and at other times appearing to be a possible spelling exercise, are fantastic date ideas.
“The fucking zoo’s closed” – Jerry Maguire.
Well, not in this man’s heart. The zoo is alive and kicking, and a great place to get to know your one night stand. It’s a common fact that smelling like elephant dung and monkey urine is the perfect aphrodisiac, especially in New York City, where the only thing that smells worse than the garbage ridden streets is the zoo.
Believe it ladies, your one night stand wants to crash the middle of a child’s birthday party with you. Before you get it on at his sick grandmother’s place, he wants you both to get a sugar high that will keep you up all night long. But don’t worry, this classy gentlemen will make sure you both leave before everyone realizes you didn’t bring a present. Also, I’m sure he misspoke when he referred to that 6-year-old girl as ‘the hot chick in the purple sweater.’
What the hell is a Dutch date??? I didn’t want to look it up on my computer in fear that illegal Dutch porn pop-ups would invade my hard drive, overriding the illegal Yugoslavian pop ups that I’ve grown to love.
I was also afraid that if I looked up Dutch Date online, I might be put on the F.B.I.’s sexual predator list, right next to the name of the gentlemen who posted this sign. But girls, don’t let this deter you. It could be adventurous, and who doesn’t like a little adventure? (answer: the Dutch)
Three times in his personal(ly depressing) ad, Don Juan puts the word ‘meaning’ before describing the perfect date. I’m not sure how to take this phrasing. Is he saying, ‘if you agree to a one night stand, that will mean you can go on a soda date with me?’ Or is he saying, ‘I will take you on a meaningful soda date.’ Regardless, I love how naughty and innocent this man seems at the same time. As filthy as I imagine a Dutch date is, a soda date sounds like the apitamy of innocence. That is until you realize that the soda is going to be followed by required love-making that you unknowingly agreed to the moment you dialed his number.
He put coffee date below soda date and right before cake and ice cream date. Call me crazy, but I think he slipped that one in to appear like an adult. I don’t know why. I personally don’t think this guy has anything to prove in regards to his maturity. He has two phone numbers. And he knows what a Dutch date is.
MID-BLOG UPDATE: I just looked up what a Dutch Date is. I couldn’t resist. This is the definition I found:
‘Dutch Date’ is a term that indicates that each person participating in a group activity pays for himself, rather than any one person paying for anyone else, particularly in a restaurant bill.
This guy is the coolest person on the planet.
This is my favorite of the ‘meaning’ trilogy. Meaning: window shopping. He’s once again letting his one night stand know that he does not have the funds to pamper her. In fact, the only two dates that involved him spending money were his meaning soda date and his coffee date. Lets be honest, he’s only going to buy you coffee is if the girl at the cash register has big boobs, and soda prices, while much more than they were when people actually went on soda dates, are still quite affordable. Plus, lets call them by what they really are: a dutch coffee date and a dutch soda date. Hand over that $1.42.
Most men want to put up a facad that they can afford to shower their dates with gifts. Not this Romeo. He’s telling her, ‘if you like nice things, on our date you’re only going to be able to look at those nice things through a window.’ Then he expects to get laid. It’s brilliant and cost effective, which is essential in this economic climate.
Wait, are you sure about this?
…
…
… cause books can be expensive.
Ah, that’s more like it. The library date is perfect foreplay before a one night stand. What better way to get her in the mood for a romp in the hay than taking her to an environment where you’re both surrounded by rowdy kids, stressed out teenagers, and old women who keep telling you to keep your voices down? I just hope the librarians don’t recognize this guy when he brings his date, because it’s likely he’s been kicked out of every library in Brooklyn for looking at porn in the computer lab.
At this point, the man who hung up his offer for a physical and terrifying relationship that will last no more than 4 hours has made it very clear on what he is looking for. He wants a woman now, and he’s willing to put up with all the typical female cake and ice cream bullshit as long as it ends with a little naughty time. But one thing is clear: he is NOT looking for love.
Or is he…
WHAT?!?!?! Meaning: maybe romance?? The most romantic thing he’s said up to this point is that he is willing to take out a female as long as she pays for her half of the bill. Now he’s putting it out there that he might be looking for something a little more serious than your average zoo-then-sex rendezvous? I can’t figure this man out. He’s a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a really filthy personal ad on a subway train. I just hope that he finds what he is looking for… because if not, I think a random female in my neighborhood will soon be murdered.
