By Sean Patrick
Tonight, while watching Matt and Amy Roloff inch closer and closer towards divorce, I was thinking of ways to increase the popularity of this website. Although I love seanssabbatical, I fear that it lacks a certain edginess. I need my audience to feel like they are reading the work of a passionate person. That’s why I’ve made the decision for seanssabbatical to have a sworn enemy.
Nowadays, members of the media are gaining large fan bases by simply voicing their opinions about someone they hate. Glenn Beck hates Barack Obama, Perez Hilton hates Lindsay Lohan, and ABC 7’s Weatherman Jerry Taft hates cold fronts… and they all profit off of it. Because of their successes, these guys have inspired me to find a random public figure to hate and voice my negative opinions about him. Since I feel uncomfortable picking someone who could possibly read about my unjustified and obscure hatred for them, I’ve decided to choose a nemesis whom I’m sure will never visit this website. This is why I’ve come to the conclusion that the enemy of seanssabbatical.com would be none other than…
The Head of Switzerland’s Federal Department of Finance
Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz
BOOOOOOOOOO!
I loathe this guy!
He’s on record saying that he was born on November 10th. Um, really Hans-Rudolf!?! I highly doubt that! You act nothing like a Scorpio! You don’t live a fate filled life. You have no intense and dramatic personal relationships. And I KNOW you don’t have difficulty finding what you need to develop your own happiness. Quit hiding behind your Virgo lifestyle, you creative and sensitive moron who secretly desires to love and be loved in return!
Look Hansey, the gig is up. In 2008 you thought you were elected President of the Swiss Confederation after receiving 185 out of 209 valid votes. But guess what? They were actually voting for the President of Boring, and you won in a landslide!
Mr. Lame Merz, if we were stranded on a desert island together, I would rather die of thirst than drink from the same coconut shell as you. I can’t believe you were born in the 1940s. I could have sworn your face caused the Great Depression.
Hansey, guess what. The tie store called. They’re running out of different shades of blue. I mean, are you kidding me? Every picture you take you’re wearing a blue tie! What is that, your favorite color or something? If so, way to steal my favorite color and claim it as your own! What else have you stolen? A child? Are you a kidnapper Hansey? Are your three sons even yours, or should we check Switzerland’s missing persons reports to see if we can find a match? You can’t hide behind your lies forever, Hansey. I don’t trust you.
Whoa! Look at the jerk who is trying to prove me wrong by wearing a fancy red tie! Why don’t I call you captain touche’? If I had one wish, I’d wish that I could wear red and blue ties just like the Merzinator does. Oh what a dream! Unfortunately I don’t make the kind of socialist Hans-Rudolf Merz money it takes to afford such accessories.
So here we go. Seanssabbatical is now officially a comedy/anti-Hans-Rudolf Merz website. I’m hoping that this will increase the popularity of this site, especially with the Swiss. Even though they don’t speak English, I’m sure the pictures of Hansey along with all the exclamation points will keep them interested.
SEANSSABBATICAL MEGAWEEK!
By Sean Patrick
Celebrity gossip columns are the hottest thing on the internet these days. Perez Hilton, TMZ, E! Online… these sites are visited more often at the work place than any website that updates the status of the company’s stock.
Because I want this blog to be as popular as possible, I am totally willing to spread gossip about celebrities. Unfortunately (fortunately) I don’t live in L.A. where the celebrities are plentiful. Instead I live in Roselle, Il, where the last celebrity sighting was October 23rd, 1993, when Mr. T. took a train through our downtown area (kids still get a day off of school on the anniversary).
Since celebrities are so scarce around here, I decided that I would just gossip about the citizens of Roselle so frequently that they themselves end up becoming celebrities. These are the juicy stories I was able to obtain.
Susan Caught Red Handed!
Susan Gates, an employee at the Citgo Gas Station located at the corner of North and Franklin, was caught counting money today after a customer exchanged it for goods and services. “I had no idea what was going on!” explained the surprised customer. “She just kept counting!” Susan’s reps were confused on what was being reported and declined to comment on the incident.
Grace Late For Work!
Local businesswoman Grace Gole forgot where she put her keys last night, causing her to be late for work. “I just forgot where I put them! Then I found them! It was a relief, but also frustrating!” Her manager was not available to make a statement, but a source that works closely with him is reporting that he is not happy. Yikes!
High School Student Caught Cheating!
An unididentified student at Lake Park High School was reportedly caught cheating on a test today. Sources say it was a male in his teens. “I bet it was Richard Larsen,” claimed former girlfriend Lindsay Rollings. “He’s a dog.” Woof woof!
My Neighbor is Going to The Bulls Game!
My next door neighbor, whose name I have yet to figure out, is reportedly attending the next Bulls home game. I was on the scene as he revealed this information to the other person that was on the elevator with us. We will hopefully have a full update on how it went in the future.
DOG REPORTED LOST HAS BEEN FOUND!
Molly, the most popular puppy is Roselle, was found today after weeks of searching! Meredith Krause, the 26 year old owner of Molly, found the precious puppy dead under her living room sofa. “I’m glad she’s home!” exclaimed an ecstatic Meredith. “What am I saying? She never left home!” Investigators are looking into whether Meredith realizes the puppy is dead.
Phil Caught Jaywalking!
Philip Joseph Getz, better known as PJ’s, was caught jaywalking around 1:32 pm on Tuesday in the Middleton subdivision. The lifelong crossing guard is known as a role model for helping children develop the skills necessary to cross the streets safely at all times. The news sent a shock wave through the community. “I can’t believe this is happening!” cried a parent who wished to remain anonymous. “What am I supposed to tell my kids?!?”
A representative for Getz claims that his client was at his home and was simply crossing the street to get his friend’s mail who is currently on vacation. His friend wasn’t in town to comment.
UPDATE ON HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT CAUGHT CHEATING
Richard Larsen, formally accused of cheating on a test at Lark Park High School by his former girlfriend, reportedly attends the University of Chicago. Although he did not cheat on the test, his history of infidelity is being investigated.
Steven Not in the Mood for Taco Bell!
Local construction worker/Taco Bell enthusiast Steven Defrain asked his coworkers today if they could get something other than Taco Bell for lunch. “I’m just not in the mood for it,” he told one of our reporters. “I had it last night.” Taco Bell has yet to confirm this statement.
