By Sean Patrick
I remember being 7 years old and hearing “Pump up the Jam” by Technotronic for the first time. Back then I thought that it was the best song ever created. Now I’m 28 and still waiting for someone to my prove 7 year old self wrong.
I remember the first time I drove a car alone. I just got my license and was extremely excited. I yelled “WOOOOOOO!” as soon as I was on the road. Two seconds later I pulled into an intersection and almost got hit by a truck. I remember never wanting to drive again after that happened.
I remember my first grade teacher telling the class that if you swallowed a penny, you would die. That same year I was laying on my back when a penny fell into my mouth and I accidentally swallowed it. I was convinced that I was going to die that evening. After miraculously making it through the night, I told my teacher that I had swallowed a penny and survived. She called me a liar. I love public school.
I remember hating the Channel 11 show Pinwheel, but was forced to watch it because it aired between my two favorite programs, Sesame Street and Todays Special. When I say forced to watch it, I mean that instead of actually going outside for once, my lazy childhood self decided to sit there and watch it. I probably spent 127 hours of my childhood watching a show that I didn’t like. I did the same this past Winter when my girlfriend decided to get into So You Think You Can Dance.
I remember thinking OJ didn’t do it. At the time I chose to ignore the overwhelming evidence against him and focus on the fact that I liked his character in the Naked Gun movies. As much as I tried to hold onto this belief over the years, it has become apparent that he was probably the murderer since he WROTE A hypothetical BOOK ABOUT HOW HE would have KILLED HIS WIFE.
I remember the lunch ladies at my grade school always mispronouncing my first name. They called me “See-Ann.” Combine that with their mispronunciation of my last name, and you get a child that all the lunch ladies knew as “See-Ann Mil-in-du-an-nah-moe.”
I remember in second grade we were given personalized blue cards. On this card was your name, then four human traits, one of which was circled to indicate which trait best described you. I believe the traits were “Smart,” “Friendly,” “Athletic,” and “Good Smile.” “Good Smile” was circled on mine. At the time I thought it was great. The early twenties good looking TA was the one who filled out my card, and for weeks I would smile every time I was around her since she obviously loved it. When I got older I realized that she was a liar. I had a terrible gap toothed smile at that age. It looked disgusting. To make things worse, I realized that she also didn’t think I was smart, friendly, or athletic. That little blue card is a daily reminder that my second grade TA felt that I was a waste of an eight year old. I love public school.
SEANSSABBATICAL MEGAWEEK!
By Sean Patrick
Something that I’ve noticed about Facebook lately is the abundance of quizzes that they have floating around. From “Which Office character are you?” (I’m Pam by the way) to “Which Sex and the City Couple are You?” (I’m Carrie and Big by the way), these quizzes are taking over Facebook. And guess what? I’m a fan.
That’s why I wanted to make my own quizzes. However, since I lack the proper tools to make an actual quiz,* I decided that I would just come up with subjects for Facebook quizzes as well as a sample answer for each quiz. Boo yah.
Which Natural Disaster Are You?
Tsunami, 2004
You tend to come out of nowhere! When it comes to social functions it’s rarity for you to show up… but when you do you sure make a splash when you enter a room! You love visiting third world countries and leave a lasting impression every time you do!
What Al-Qaeda Member Are You?
Raingzieb Ahmed
You’re hairy and scary! Most people don’t know who you are, but they sure want you executed! You hang out with a tough crowd, but because they are the only hate group that shares the same fashion sense as you, you find it hard to make new friends. You also take Forrest Gump-like pictures.
Which Rugrats Character Would You be Found Guilty of Sexually Molesting?
Phil and Lil
You swing both ways, partner! You’re an indecisive predator that is a sucker for two-for-one deals, and you seem to have a thing for little boys with gender identity issues!
Which O.J. Simpson Murder Victim Are You?
Ronald Goldman
You always seem to find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time! You have friends that tend to get you involved in fights that have nothing to do with you, and you unfairly share the brunt of these altercations! You also have a dad with a great mustache!
What Type of Roadkill Are You?
Possum
You’re disgusting and no one will care when you die!
Which Accidental Britney Spears Baby Are You?
Jayden James Federline (The Second One)
It’s because of you that your parents got divorced! You are a bigger mistake than Vietnam, and unlike your older brother, your mother doesn’t believe in your intelligence enough to teach you how to drive! But your dad is hilarious! (please visit www.seanssabbatical.com/my-favorite-rap-album-of-all-time It’s delightful!)
Which Serial Killer Are You?
Jeffrey Dahmer
You hunger for life, and human beings! You’re quiet and tend to keep to yourself when in public, but behind closed doors you take a bite out of all your wildest fantasies! Your favorite shampoo is Head and Shoulders, and your apartment smells like dead people. As Ludacris would put it, you’re a lady in the streets but a cannibal in the bed!
I also like the Facebook quizzes that offer one word answers without explanations. For example, I saw one the other day that asked, “When is your wedding date?” and when you were done with the quiz it simply told you what day you were going to get married. I wanted to make my own assortment of these quizzes as well.
What is the name of your future child’s kidnapper? 
Gary!
When will you get the death penalty?
Nov 17th, 2018!
How many weeks do you have before your wife discovers the sex doll in your storage shed?
4!
In your entire life, how many senior citizens will you strangle to death with your bare hands? 
5!
How many celebs will attend your funeral? 
2!
I love Facebook. I find the social networking tool to be enjoyable and hilarious. In fact, if anyone that works for Facebook ever reads this article, please consider it my resume.
*motivation and effort
