By Sean Patrick
Best Achievement in Makeup
And the Oscar goes to…
The Makeup Artists behind the movie Moonstruck
They made Cher into a beautiful, radiant female, even though in real life she’s just an average looking guy.
Best Documentary, Short Subjects
And the Oscar goes to…
The TLC Network
Every show they have involves little people in real life situations. The Little Chocolatiers, Little Couple, Little People Big World, Little Littles… they got it all. I know they’re not making movies, but no one has spent more time and effort on documenting short subjects than TLC, so they deserve the Oscar.
Best Documentary, Features
And the Oscar goes to…
A League of Their Own
It was a brilliant and revealing behind the scenes look into the Chicago White Sox organization.*
Best Achievement, Costume Design
And the Oscar goes to…
To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar
No explanation needed.
Best Achievement in Art Direction
And the Oscar goes to…
…who cares. Please just speed up the damn show. It’s almost 3 am.
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
And the Oscar goes to…
Dude, Where’s My Car? based on Cormac McCarthy’s best selling novel The Road
It’s a very loose interpretation, but The Road deals with a father and his son walking around the country after what is suggested to be a nuclear holocaust. Why are they walking? Because they can’t find a car. Hence the inspiration for the groundbreaking screenplay Dude, Where’s My Car?
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
And the Oscar goes to…
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Original script, original idea, delightful title. I’ve never seen it, but I know I love it.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
And the Oscar goes to…
The Old Lady from The Goonies
She scares me, and I feel that if I don’t give her an award, she will stab me in the belly… even though she’s dead. That’s how much I’m scared of her.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
And the Oscar goes to…
Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump
He did great, and his character was a great side story for that movie about Lieutenant Dan.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
And the Oscar goes to…
The Girl who played Jamie in the hit High School Spanish Class Educational Video, La Catrina
Because the whole film was in Spanish, I never understood a word she said. But the delivery of those mysterious words was groundbreaking.
Best Performance By an Actor in a Leading Role
And the Oscar goes to…
Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry
I haven’t seen this dude in anything since, but he did a tremendous job.
Best Motion Picture
And the Oscar goes to…
Billy Madison
The movie that made me want to become a filmmaker. Now I’m 28, unemployed, and writing a blog that insults actors and actresses that have done much more with their lives than I ever will.**
*boo yah
** This comment could be a lyric from Alanis Morissette’s song Ironic
By Sean Patrick
“Is your sabbatical turning out the way you thought it would?”
I get that question a lot. I also get asked about what I do all day. In order to answer the first question, I will have to begin with the second.
Typically I’ll wake up around 2 or 3 pm. I know what you’re thinking: that early? Tell me about it. But there’s always a train that goes by my place at that ungodly hour. It’s not the first train of the day to pass by my window, I’m just way too passed out from the night before to be woken up by any of the earlier ones. Again I know what you’re thinking:
“Why don’t you just party harder so you can be passed out longer and not wake up to the early 3 pm train?”
Because I’m an adult.
After my early rise, I go straight to the television to make sure that TLC doesn’t have a Little People Big World marathon on. If it does I will be busy for the next 7-8 hours, and will neglect to get any sort of work done. Unfortunately the marathons aren’t as frequent as we would all hope, so typically I’m forced to do other things, such as…
Check to see if any of my other favorite shows happen to be on. These shows include Cake Boss, True Life, For The Love of Ray J, Jon and Kate Plus 8 (the getting divorced episodes), Roseanne, 650 lb Virgin (there’s only two episodes of this, but sometimes they play them all day), Half Ton Teen, King of Queens, Real World, Real World Road Rules Challenge, whatever is on the TV Guide Channel, Will and Grace, The View, Rachel Ray cooking show, Rachel Ray talk show, Rock of Love, The Hills, and Drake and Josh. If by chance none of these are on, I reluctantly get myself off the couch and begin my day.
The first step in starting my afternoon is making myself presentable. I take a shower, brush my teeth, and most importantly, style my hair.
Unfortunately, because I’ve spent so much energy making myself look delicious, I’m now exhausted and forced to take a nap. Depending on my mood, my naps can range anywhere from 3 hours to my entire nights sleep. So there is a possibility that I may not wake up for another 22 hours. But normally these naps are around 3 to 4 hours, and at about 7:30 pm I’m ready to start my day…
… well not exactly.
Because of the position of my head during the nap, my hair is now sticking up. Even though I spend most of the day alone, I don’t want to embarrass myself by walking around with a messy hairdo. So I’m back in the shower.
After I clean myself up is when I have to practice great discipline. Because I used up so much energy in the shower, my first instinct is to take another nap. But I know that it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to do so, which is why I have to chug two liters of Barq’s Root Beer to keep me awake. I used to do one liter, but because this routine is so frequent my tolerance for caffeine has doubled. Luckily no studies have proven that soda pop is bad for you.
After I get myself on a dangerous caffeine high, I get to work.
And by work, I mean that I double check to make sure that none of my television shows are on. Chances are that at least one of them is, but in the unlikely case that none of them are I am forced to make a difficult choice: sit and wait for one of these programs to air, or do some writing. Fortunately I take so long trying to make this choice that one of my shows eventually comes on, and I am obligated by destiny to watch television. Buuuuuuuut, if by some miracle none of these programs are on, I head to my computer to do some writing.
Before I attempt to fulfill my vow to become a screenwriter, I check the internet to make sure that there’s nothing more interesting I can be doing on my computer. Something that I do find more interesting than writing is watching YouTube videos involving people lip synching or dancing. Because I’m the luckiest boy in the world, there is an abundance of these videos on YouTube. And since I like to enjoy a nice cocktail while watching idiots perform, I make myself a drink, sit back and enjoy the shows.
By the end of the night I’ve watched six hours of pure entertainment and have drank nine cocktails, and now I’m ready for bed. But because I’m so goal oriented and I’m supposed to become a writer, I decide to check the internet to see if there are any blogs that have been posted by other people that I can pass off as my own. Luckily there’s a really HILARIOUS guy whose blogs I plagiarize and post on my website.
Feeling like I accomplished something, I make myself another drink and watch TV Land until I pass out. So going back to the first question, the answer is yes, my sabbatical is turning out exactly how I thought it would.
