Meet My Future Kids!
Sven 
Sven will be my first child, and my scariest.
He will be born with a huge scar on his face and will only speak German. His knack for eating the neighbors pets and lighting hospitals on fire will frequently get his name in the paper. Later on in his life he will end up murdering one of his siblings. I will not turn him in because I fear him.
Career wise, he will thrive in the business of interior design and will be a regular on TLC’s Trading Spaces.
Lisa
Named after my favorite rapper, Lisa will be my only daughter.
Early on in her life I will expose her eyes directly to the sun, damaging her vision and making it necessary for her to wear librarian glasses for the rest of her life. Her first word will be “stay” and her first full sentence will be, “You said you caught me cause you want me and one day you’ll let me go; you try to give away a keeper or keep me cause you know you’re just so… scared to lose.”
I will give Lisa a lot of attention for a short period of time and then ignore her for the remainder of her life.
Harold 
Harold will hate me the most out of all my kids. My most misunderstood child, his passions as an adult will be cigarettes and illegal pornography.
At an early age he will show signs of softness, something I never had to worry about with his brother Sven. To toughen him up, I’ll drop him off at a juvenile detention center every summer like it was a boy scout camp. This will backfire and cause him to be severely introverted, overweight, addicted to nicotine, and unable to leave the house.
Even though he lives with me his entire life, his seclusiveness makes it so I only see him about seven times a year. Unfortunately he grows up to look exactly like me, making the memory of the painful summers I put him through impossible to erase.
Eventually he will be murdered by his brother Sven for reasons unknown.
Mistake 
Mistake will be my last kid and the cause for my vasectomy. As a child I will force him to pay me back for the medical procedure with his birthday money.
Wanting to correct the parental errors that I made with Harold, Mistake will unwillingly undergo gastric bypass surgery at the age of nine to avoid future weight problems. The procedure will pay off in abs.
Unfortunately years later it will be revealed that his mother had an affair and I’m not his real father. This will evoke my memory of getting a vasectomy years before Mistake was born. Feeling foolish, I will go back to the hospital to get one of my two vasectomies reversed, a procedure that will be the first of it’s kind and documented in numerous medical journals. This will be the closest I ever come to becoming a published writer.