My First Physical Confrontation: A Night with the NIU Kobra Kai’s

By Sean Patrick

I’m not a fighter. I never have been. I wouldn’t say it’s because I’m a coward or anything. I think it’s more that I’m just scared to death of getting my ass kicked…

OK, so maybe I’m a coward. I don’t mind. My nose is already weird looking enough, the last thing I need is for it to get broken during a fight. It’s because of my cowardly ways that until the age of 22, I never found myself in a physical confrontation. That all changed one rainy night in the land that God forgot about.

I was in DeKalb, Il visiting a friend/student at Northern Illinois University. Me and my cousin Scott, whose identity I will hide by calling him Not-Scott, had come down on a Saturday evening to enjoy the celebrated DeKalb night life.

The night started out great. We were having some drinks and sharing some laughs at our friend Not-Jamie’s (whose identity I am hiding) apartment. After a while, she suggested that we go to a party that was taking place in her building. We went there for an hour or two, and after being all partied out, Not-Scott and I decided to go back to Not-Jamie’s apartment.This is where things got interesting. 

For reasons unknown, at this point of the evening I was carrying a Magic 8 Ball around with me…

I’m not sure how I got it: either I had it the whole night and originally took it from Not-Jamie’s apartment, or I took it from the party thinking it was a goodie bag gift. Regardless, I found myself intoxicated at 1 am in DeKalb with a Magic 8 Ball in my hand. 

As Not-Scott and I were walking towards the apartment door, we passed by a group of three guys and two girls that were outside smoking. One of the guys was wearing a Kobra Kai T-shirt…

The Kobra Kai Dojo was the villainous karate school in the Karate Kid movies “that taught an unethical, vicious form of martial arts” -wikipedia. Since me and Not-Scott watched The Karate Kid together numerous times when we were growing up, we were impressed with the T-shirt choice. So Not-Scott said, “Kobra Kai’s! Hell yeah!”  

Typically when you offer someone a compliment or comment on how much you admire their vintage 80’s T-shirt, the response is something along the lines of, “Hell yeah!” “Thanks man!” or “You know it!” Not in DeKalb. Instead, the guy said, “What the fuck did you say?”

A little taken aback by the hostility, Not-Scott innocently said, “I like you Kobra Kai T-shirt.” 

It’s possible that the first time he was complimented, the Kobra Kai thought Not-Scott was being sarcastic. But this time the innocence in Not-Scott’s voice nearly brought me to tears. There was no doubt that his T-shirt was a big hit to this stranger who was complimenting it, and his initial response to the homage must have been a mistake. But to the surprise of both of us, he responded with a “Fuck you!”

We both stood and stared in awe for a couple seconds. We were so used to compliments leading to friendships, but at Northern Illinois University compliments were fighting words. I would hate to see the riots that take place at their etiquette classes.

“Why are you mad?” is what I asked, to which he replied, “Fuck off.” His friends started getting into it too, cussing at us and acting macho. It felt like we were in West Side Story, only with tougher language.

“You guys are weird,” I said, and Not-Scott and I walked away towards the apartment. As we were walking they continued to yell at us, and because we thought this was kind of fun we yelled back at them as well. I wish to this day I could remember what I yelled at them. I’m so bad at smack talk that I’m sure it was something like, “I bet you’ve never even seen the third Karate Kid!”

As we got to the door of Not-Jamie’s apartment, I conjured up a plan (keep in mind, it was late and I was intoxicated). My drunken brain had figured out the perfect way to resolve this conflict. With Not-Scott already inside, I took my Magic 8 Ball… well, I guess it wasn’t mine… but I lifted it up, cocked my arm, and threw it in their direction. Then I walked into the apartment and closed the door behind me. Problem solved.

Actually, chucking 5 pound toys (brought to you by Mattel) at total strangers resolves nothing. In fact, it kind of makes things much worse. Within a minute they were pounding at the front door. Feeling that the conflict was over, I had no problem opening it and pleasantly greeting them. But in front of me stood three Kobra Kai’s, all in their fighting positions.  

“Why did you throw a beer at my girl?!?” the leader demanded.

This confused me. I didn’t remember throwing a beer at anyone. In fact, I don’t think I would have just carelessly throw a beer away, especially at the age of 22.

“I didn’t throw a beer at your girl.” 

“One of you guys threw a beer at my girl!”

I thought to myself, “Did Not-Scott throw a beer at his girl?” Then I remembered what had just happened a minute earlier.

“Ooooooh! I see! I didn’t throw a beer at your girl, I threw a Magic 8 Ball at your girl!” Mystery solved! 

But this was a terrible answer. All three Kobra Kai’s looked furious. But because I was intoxicated, I didn’t know what the problem was. That’s when it happened. Out of the blue, the least vocal of the three, who was standing in the middle of the trio, stepped up and slapped me in the face.

I’ve never been slapped in the face. I didn’t think guys got slapped in the face by other guys. I stood there in shock for a moment, and then did the only thing I could think of: I leaned forward, extended my arm, and slapped him back. It was like we were declaring a duel, only our slap fight was the actual duel.

After I slapped him, I immediately burst out into laughter. Even drunk I realized how ridiculous this whole scenario was. It was then that Not-Scott, acting as my Mr. Miyagi, moved me out of the way, shut the front door, and locked it.

I was on the floor laughing at the fact that my first fight was a slap-off. But the guys outside wanted my blood, so they kept pounding on the door. Not-Scott became as protective as a mother bear, and he quickly picked up a butcher knife and got into a crouch position in case these karate experts got inside. “They’re not coming in here!” he declared.

At this moment I laughed almost to the point of unconsciousness.

The guys kept pounding and pounding, and eventually went to the windows and started pounding on those as well, nearly breaking them. It was like the end of the Thriller video.

The pounding went on for over an hour, but after ten minutes of it we got bored of the spectacle and started watching television. When they would pound louder, we would just turn up the volume to drain them out. They pounded for so long that eventually we fell asleep to it.

The next morning Not-Jamie’s roommate told us how she got home late and the guys were still pounding on the door. They were people she knew, so they apparently ended their witch hunt when she got there and went on their way.

Around 9 am we said our good-byes, thank yous, and sorrys to the girls and left the apartment. Right before we got to our car, I noticed on that the ground was my Magic 8 Ball, completely covered in mud. I laughed to myself and thought about taking it home with me. However, since it was so filthy I decided not to pick it up…

…but I like to think that if I did, my fortune would have said, “Slap Fight.”

Mr. Miyagi Might Have Been a Pedophile

By Sean Patrick

It’s a theory I’ve been discussing for years. It began one night in college when I was drinking and watching The Karate Kid. I was sitting there enjoying this nostalgic film, when like an abusive uncle it hit me: the relationship between Mr. Miyagi and Daniel is quite sketchy. Here we have an elderly veteran devoting all of his time to the adorable kid from New Jersey, the pedophile victim capital of the world.* I watched the Miyagi/Daniel scenes from the film again this morning to see if I noticed anything suspicious, and I stumbled upon some red flags that suggest Miyagi’s motives may not have just been teaching this kid karate.

When Daniel first arrives at his apartment complex in California, he is greeted by the hunky Freddy Fernandez. Within the first couple of minutes of meeting Daniel, Freddy expresses his interest in learning karate. The superintendent at his building is Asian, and it’s a fact that all Asian’s know karate.* However, Freddy has never asked Miyagi for lessons. Why? Because kids around the neighborhood know not to go near creepy old man Miyagi. Their parents have warned them about this pervert, but since Daniel’s friendship with Freddy is short lived he is never properly cautioned about the sex offender who dwells downstairs. Even in the Halloween scene where Miyagi shows off his three pumpkins (bait), not one child comes to the door to trick-or-treat. This is most likely because they have been instructed not to to Miyagi’s door by their parents. As a kid, there were houses I was warned to not go trick-or-treating at, and I guarantee it wasn’t because my parents thought I might be disturbing the residents martial arts training. 

Another thing that struck me as odd is what Miyagi does to the bullies that are harrassing Daniel. Because a group of Kobra Kai’s have been battering Daniel’s pretty face, he does what any responsible adult would do in that situation: he kicks their ass! An elderly man beats up five eighteen year olds at once. Two things seem odd about that: 1) An adult just beat up kids. Even in the eighties that was illegal. Yet instead of scaring the kids off by yelling at them or threatening to call the police, Miyagi jumps a fence and beats the life out of five teenages who just left a costume party. 2) You know what kind elderly man would have the strength to beat up five young karate experts? A horny one. Horny people have more strength than Superman,* and when Miyagi saw Daniel getting his ass pounded, he had the strength of twelve thousand elephants. Speaking of the debacle that was Daniel’s evening at the Halloween dance…

…it’s almost like Miyagi schemed up the whole scenario. Daniel didn’t want to go to the costume dance because he knew he’d get his ass kicked. So what does Miyagi do? He makes him a costume and demands that he go. I’m sure Miyagi knew his share of Kamikaze pilots back in his war days, and he was aware of how those missions ended… yet he sent Daniel to the wolves to get roughed up, making it necessary for Miyagi to come and save the day. This put Daniel in his debt, and he was hoping that debt would be paid off at his love palace…

Miyagi has a second home outside of the apartment complex. It’s a rickety secluded house that, along with the fences, needs to be painted, has old cars that need to be waxed, and has floors that need to be sanded. Sounds like he hasn’t spent too much time there lately. But when naive sexy boy Daniel comes to town, the brothel is open for business. Even more frightening is Miyagi’s one rule of the house: “I say, you do. No question.” Yikes. 

And the gifts he gives this kid? Ridiculous. He fixes his bike, making it better than new. A typical predator would consider a new bike enough to allure a child, but Miyagi takes it up a notch; he gives him a karate robe that his deceased wife made for him, a classic car, and a Bonsai tree. Not only is he bestowing to him a sentimental gift his dead wife gave him decades earlier, but he’s also giving him rare shrubs and automobiles. In retrospect, within the first few months of their relationship, Miyagi gave a sixteen year old a new bike, a car, a karate outfit, and a fucking Bonsai tree! He throws in a pack of smokes and a Hustler and Daniel has everything a sixteen year old boy could ever want.  But where’s the pay off? Why didn’t Miyagi ever try to score with this Italian dream boat? Well he did, but unfortunately he blew it…

After a rough date with Allie, Daniel comes over to Miyagi’s to blow off some steam. When he arrives, Miyagi is drunk (by the way Pat Morita plays one of the best drunks in the history of film). Seeing his chance, Miyagi pours the vulnerable Daniel a drink. Not used to the taste of liquor, Daniel coughs and struggles to get the drink down, all to the delight of his bartender. Miyagi laughs at him, pours him another round, and pleads for him to take another drink. Then, in attempt to impress and arouse the teenager, he demonstrates his old Army drills while wearing his military uniform. Fed up with all the foreplay, Miyagi goes for the score by popping a squat on his bed. Unfortunately he overestimated how much liquor he could handle, and when the karate master sits down, he falls asleep. Sixty years of karate training couldn’t prepare him for the effects of cheap whiskey, and his big night turns into his biggest failure.

These are not the only things that put in question Mr. Miyagi’s motives. If you watch the movie, you’ll notice that Miyagi rarely looks in Mrs. Larousso’s eyes (most likely out of guilt), he frequently wears flamboyant Hawaiian shirts, and he always makes sure that Daniel gets wet when they are around a body of water.  It’s like something out of a child molesters playbook.

Now obviously I’m not saying that Pat Morita himself was a pedophile. In fact, I think the picture below proves otherwise… 

… and it’s possible that the character Mr. Miyagi wasn’t a pedophile either. Regardless, it’s worth nothing that Miyagi’s relationship with the sixteen year old Daniel was very inappropriate. 

You don’t see movies like The Karate Kid anymore. Because of internet predators, film executives are no longer encouraged to make movies about latchkey kids who exclusively hang out with old men. It’s just another thing that Chris Hansen has ruined for all of us. 

*This statistic is completely assumed.