My Super Sweet Twenty-Eight
In less than a month, I will be turning twenty-eight years old. And like every person in their late twenty-sevens, over the years I’ve watched a ton of My Super Sweet Sixteen episodes on MTV.
The parties these kids have for their sixteenth birthdays are insane. I remember getting a cake that had my face on it for my sixteenth birthday and thinking that my parents spent way too much money on my party. But the kids on this show… their parents spend well over $100,000 to throw them a birthday celebration. It’s outrageous!
It seems like every party has the same formula: give out great invitations, reserve a huge venue, have a glorious entrance, stage an unforgettable performance, get a famous musical entertainer to attend, and receive a new car.
This got me to thinking: what kind of party I would want this year if I had an unlimited budget? After giving it much thought, I would like to cordially invite you all to…
MY SUPER SWEET TWENTY-EIGHT!
Invitations – To have a successful super sweet twenty-eight birthday bash, it is necessary to give out awesome invitations. This is the first thing you do where you get to display how wealthy and accomplished your family is. If I had tons of money, I wouldn’t give out paper invites… I would have the invite list announced by our president during the State of the Union Address.
This is the most important speech made by the president… so it would be more than fitting that during it he would announce the guest list to the most important party of my life! To further it’s status of importance, I would want the announcement to interrupt the updates on the War in Afganistan.
Speaking of interrupting, I would purposely include the name of someone who is actually not invited to my shin-dig. After his name was called, I would have Republican Joe Wilson yell out, “YOU LIE!”
Then Obama would confess that he was lying, and that the person he just called out wasn’t actually on the invite list. This would be followed by laughter at the expense of whomever the joke was on.
Venue – Location location location! This can make or break a great party. The kids on the show always want to rent out a venue that is extremely large, expensive, and hard to get. Since I want to one up all these bastards, I would rent out a place that would be nearly impossible to land: A Prison.
What’s bigger and harder to rent out than a prison? And I’m not talking about an empty prison… I want a full functioning jail overpopulated with psychotics and delinquents. But what do we do with all these prisoners? Well, we invite them!
I realize that this is a truly selfish act on my part, for I will be putting all my guests into mortal danger… but me giving prisoners the chance to take a break from their typical day to day routine and attend a party with a bunch of defenseless twenty-somethings would make me so popular with them that I would be our generations Johnny Cash!
Entrance – This is where I’m very similar to sixteen year old girls. I totally want buff shirtless dudes carrying me in on some sort of elegant sofa chair. I can’t think of a better way to enter a room. If I could go into the DMV like that, I’d be there everyday.
Performance – This is very important if you want all of your friends to respect you. Getting up in front of all your peers and performing a dance, magic, song, etc., lets them know that you have a talent that they lack, and on your birthday you want everyone to feel inferior.
Although I feel my dancing skills are slightly better than most pudgy caucasian males my age, I really want to bring my audience to tears. That is why I would perform a skit. And for my skit I will reenact the scene from My Girl, where Vada Sultenfuss is forced to say goodbye to her dead friend Thomas Jay.
I, playing the role of Vada, will walk on stage crying. After asking the actor who is portraying Thomas Jay to climb trees with me, I will inform my audience that “his face hurts” and ask, “where are his glasses?!? He can’t see without his glasses!” This will make even the prisoners weep.
I realize that my performance piece may put my guests into a very somber mood. That is why immediately after it is when they’ll get to see my new car!
Car - At the end of every show, there is an announcement made that everyone has to go outside to see the birthday girl’s surprise gift. Even though the guests pretend not to know what the surprise outside will be, they are all aware that the rich bitchy girl is about to be unjustly rewarded for her shitty attitude with a brand new automobile.
I want this moment too. However, I’m not really much of a car guy. I drove a mini-van for the first eight years of my driving career, and to this day I miss the extra space that came with the 1993 Ford Aerostar. But since I’ve been driving a regular sized car for the last three years, I’ve grown fond of not being so high off the ground when I’m cruising around.
To get the best of both worlds, the car that would be waiting for me outside would be…
A Hearse!
Look at all that space! It’s the perfect automobile! I can drive all of my friends around in that thing and never have to worry about getting pulled over… cause what sort of cop is going to pull over a hearse? How insensitive! Plus if this screenwriting thing doesn’t work out , I’ll have another job waiting for me in my driveway!
Now I know what you loyal Super Sweet Sixteen fans are thinking: what about the musical act?
Musical Entertainer – This is the part of the show where I truly feel old. I never know who the rap artists is or who the bands are that perform at these birthday parties. That’s why for my party, I would want to make sure that people from all generations know who my performer is.
Well, guess who’s in the back of my brand new hearse! ……..
Michael Jackson!
The King of Pop, at my party! That would guarantee that my guests would “Remember The Time” they went to Sean Milnamow’s birthday bash!
If Michael were alive I’d be a legend, but having his corpse arrive at my prison party five months after his death… I’d be the most talked about person in the world! Well, maybe not the most talked about…
Obviously Michael isn’t going to be able to get up and perform any songs, but we could still open up the casket and look at him while we play the Thriller album. That should be just as good and probably even scarier than watching the Thriller video.
We would have to take special precaution with him around the prisoners though: they’ve been locked for a while, and Michael may be the closest resemblance they’ve seen to an unconscious woman in quite some time.
Thank you all for attending my Super Sweet Twenty-Eight!