When I decided to make Hans-Rudolf Merz this websites’ biggest enemy, I wasn’t aware of two things:
1) People actually hate him, and
2) I would grow to love him.
People seriously despise Hans-Rudolf Merz, and even though his haters are mostly Swiss, it still counts (sort of). That defeats the entire purpose of making him this websites enemy. The reason I picked Hansey as a foe was because the head of the Federal Department of Finance in Switzerland was the most random public figure I could think of to have a rivalry with. But I’ve come to find out that there’s an entire movement against this köngud (that’s Swiss for Sex God). There’s even an Anti-Hans-Rudolf Merz Facebook group! When did Switzerland get Facebook? I’m going to have to update my security settings.
The Swiss have nothing to be mad about. They haven’t been to a war since 1815. We just entered two wars in the time that it took me to write that last sentence (you’re going down Virgin Islands!!!). And not only is Switzerland one of the richest countries in the world, but it also has the highest wealth per adult out of any country. Why would you hate the head of the Federal Department of Finance when you have the wealthiest adults on earth? Are you mad that he’s too awesome at his job? Even the average Swiss toddler makes more money per year than Italian men.*
Hearing that others distrust Hans-Rudolf Merz took all the fun out of it. It even made me feel bad for him. And once I found this video of Hansey cracking up during a speech about spiced meats…
… my hatred diffused like a fart in an airplane.
That’s why this website no longer distrusts Hans-Rudolf Merz. Instead, seanssabbatical supports the life and work of Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz and has declared so in the upper left-hand corner of the site.
I know what you’re thinking…
Is Sean growing soft?
Is the website going to lose its edge?
Is seanssabbatical really not going to have an enemy?
Put your worries aside. Just because Hans is my new BFF doesn’t mean that I haven’t found someone to loathe. I’ve looked high and low and eventually found a person who stands for everything I hate.
I don’t know how many people have seen this, but last week my nemesis, Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz, couldn’t stop giggling while answering a parliamentary question about imports of cured meats. Here’s the video.
Hearing a swiss man giggle while talking about spiced meats is one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. I can’t even pretend to dislike him tonight.
I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… but I think I’m starting to like you…
I’ve been trying to take it easy on Mrs. Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz for the past month or two. Around early May I started giving him a lot of grief, and although it was well deserved, I don’t want my readers to think that this has become a political website.*
But I discovered some SHOCKING news today while studying up on American History.
On November 10th, 1944, the USS Mount Hood, a World War II U.S. Navy ammunition ship, exploded off the coast of Seeadler Harbour in Papua New Guinea. The blast killed all 350 men on the boat and even more casualties occurred on nearby vessels. It was a sad moment in United States history, and to this day they have not been able to figure out what exactly caused this horrific tragedy.
Well, I’ve been doing my research, and I’ve come up with an outrageous discovery.
November 10th, 1944 was not only the date of this Naval disaster… it was also Hans-Rudolf Merz’s 2nd birthday!!!
Seems like Hansey wanted to celebrate the beginning of his second year with a bang.
Although it will be tough to prove, I’m almost certain that fart-face-Hans, at the age of 2, was the one who caused this catastrophe. Think about it. How do the Swiss celebrate birthdays? With fireworks. (do they?) And since the Merzinator has always been a spoiled brat, he wasn’t satisfied with sparklers and bottle rockets… he needed to blow up an entire boat full of potential future relatives of me!
It’s a low blow Rudork, but I must say… sitting here today, I realize that you got me. Even before I was born. And you’ll pay.
Oh, and I found out that he wrote an essay in 1987 titled Die aussergewöhnliche Führungspersönlichkeit
What does that mean?!? Whatever it is, it starts with the word “die.” I bet it’s his confession to the Mount Hood explosion, but since he wrote it in some Avatar-ish language, our government hasn’t been able to decipher it. Looks like I’ll be busy for the next year or two.
D-Day has arrived. After a year and some change, America’s super couple has decided to call it quits. No one, including Speidi, is more upset than me. Just a few weeks ago I was praising them for their book and all it has done for my entertainment career. Now they are on a fast track to divorce. Since I always felt like one of their children, I initially acted like any kid going through their parents divorce would and blamed myself.
If my behavior wasn’t so out of control, mommy and daddy would still be together.
If I got better grades, mommy and daddy would still love each other.
If I cleaned my room like they had asked, daddy wouldn’t be psychotic and mommy wouldn’t look like a lion.
After this brief period of self-accusation, I started to focus on their relationship. The more I examined it, the more reasons I came up with as to why this couple has decided to split.
Spencer’s Flesh Colored Beard
It’s no secret that this beard is gross. Look closely. It looks like a blond fifth graders leg hair. Every once in a while he would shave it off, but somehow this blond catastrophe always found it’s way back to his face. It’s like a boomerang of ugliness.
The Time Period When Heidi’s Surgery Hadn’t Healed
Lately, the more I see Heidi, the better she seems to look. But for weeks after she got her surgery she looked odd. I don’t care how strong a marriage is… if your wife is walking around for weeks looking like Michael Jackson, it’s going to affect the passion you once felt for her.
Enzo
What originally was thought to be the adorable next door neighbor character quickly became Heidi’s new boy toy. Enzo seemed harmless: he liked Wii, hide and seek, and saying the darndest things. But it became obvious that Heidi had more than innocent feelings for this young Italian latchkey kid. For this kids birthday, she threw him a party with an elephant. Nothing says I want to take this relationship to the next level than getting an elephant to show up at someone’s birthday party. It’s like the new promise ring. Once that large mammal showed up to Enzo’s party, Spencer didn’t stand a chance.
Spencer Becoming a Crystal Addict
I don’t know what crystals are, but I want to stay as far away from them as I can. They turned Spencer into Gary Busey.
Hans-Rudolf Merz
If anyone in this world wants to cause me pain, it’s my nemesis, Hans-RuDORK Merz. Look at his guilty face. What did you do Hansey? Put blonde hair dye in Spencer’s beard comb? Send your veteran super spy Enzo in to play the strings of Heidi’s heart? I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… I never will.
I don’t believe this. Looks like Rudolf the Swiss Nosed Reindeer is up to his old tricks again.
When ole H-RM was asked what his hobbies were, he listed opera, jazz, cultural history, literature and ice hockey.
Hmm……. um……. what was that last one again?
I think cookie monster put it best when it comes to your “so-called” hobbies…
Hockey? Are you kidding me? Look Merzinator, I have been surrounded by thousands of hockey enthusiasts packed into one building. The thing they all have in common is that none of them enjoy opera, jazz, cultural history, or literature. They don’t even know what those things are. If I ask any one of them to explain what opera is, they’ll stare at me for a few seconds and then ask, “is that the other teams back up goalie?”
It’s like saying my favorite movies are Kung-Fu Panda, Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Rob Zombies’ House of 1000 Corpses.
Tonight, while watching Matt and Amy Roloff inch closer and closer towards divorce, I was thinking of ways to increase the popularity of this website. Although I love seanssabbatical, I fear that it lacks a certain edginess. I need my audience to feel like they are reading the work of a passionate person. That’s why I’ve made the decision for seanssabbatical to have a sworn enemy.
Nowadays, members of the media are gaining large fan bases by simply voicing their opinions about someone they hate. Glenn Beck hates Barack Obama, Perez Hilton hates Lindsay Lohan, and ABC 7’s Weatherman Jerry Taft hates cold fronts… and they all profit off of it. Because of their successes, these guys have inspired me to find a random public figure to hate and voice my negative opinions about him. Since I feel uncomfortable picking someone who could possibly read about my unjustified and obscure hatred for them, I’ve decided to choose a nemesis whom I’m sure will never visit this website. This is why I’ve come to the conclusion that the enemy of seanssabbatical.com would be none other than…
The Head of Switzerland’s Federal Department of Finance
Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz
BOOOOOOOOOO!
I loathe this guy!
He’s on record saying that he was born on November 10th. Um, really Hans-Rudolf!?! I highly doubt that! You act nothing like a Scorpio! You don’t live a fate filled life. You have no intense and dramatic personal relationships. And I KNOW you don’t have difficulty finding what you need to develop your own happiness. Quit hiding behind your Virgo lifestyle, you creative and sensitive moron who secretly desires to love and be loved in return!
Look Hansey, the gig is up. In 2008 you thought you were elected President of the Swiss Confederation after receiving 185 out of 209 valid votes. But guess what? They were actually voting for the President of Boring, and you won in a landslide!
Mr. Lame Merz, if we were stranded on a desert island together, I would rather die of thirst than drink from the same coconut shell as you. I can’t believe you were born in the 1940s. I could have sworn your face caused the Great Depression.
Hansey, guess what. The tie store called. They’re running out of different shades of blue. I mean, are you kidding me? Every picture you take you’re wearing a blue tie! What is that, your favorite color or something? If so, way to steal my favorite color and claim it as your own! What else have you stolen? A child? Are you a kidnapper Hansey? Are your three sons even yours, or should we check Switzerland’s missing persons reports to see if we can find a match? You can’t hide behind your lies forever, Hansey. I don’t trust you.
Whoa! Look at the jerk who is trying to prove me wrong by wearing a fancy red tie! Why don’t I call you captain touche’? If I had one wish, I’d wish that I could wear red and blue ties just like the Merzinator does. Oh what a dream! Unfortunately I don’t make the kind of socialist Hans-Rudolf Merz money it takes to afford such accessories.
So here we go. Seanssabbatical is now officially a comedy/anti-Hans-Rudolf Merz website. I’m hoping that this will increase the popularity of this site, especially with the Swiss. Even though they don’t speak English, I’m sure the pictures of Hansey along with all the exclamation points will keep them interested.
Former Lithuanian Pop Sensation Linas Adomaitis!
BOOOOOOOOOO!
