By Sean Patrick
Cleaning lint traps – I was never aware of how delightful of a process this is. I find myself going into the communal laundry room in the middle of the day just to see if there is some extra lint that needs to be removed from the dryer. It’s such an easy clean. In one full scoop, all this lint just goes into your hand and is ready to be eaten.
You are supposed to eat it, right?
Wearing sandals and socks… at the same time! – It’s a fashion disaster, so I never leave the building doing it. But once I’m within the confines of my apartment, I am a sandals and socks wearin fool. If there was a fashion police, I would be arrested everyday. Like Bobby Brown.
Pink Wafer Cookies – I always knew I liked these, but it’s been a while since I had them. I decided to buy a box of pink wafers from the Jewel the other day… since then I have gained twenty- six pounds and have permanently stained pink teeth. Like Bobby Brown.
… ok, it didn’t work that time.
The inconsistency of my car – It turns every day into an adventure, and makes me feel like a thrill seeker. “Can it make it all the way back to Elgin? Damn it, I’ll have to try.” “Is it safe to be sitting in it when it smells so much like gasoline? Damn it, I’ll have to see.” “Is it good that the RPM dial keeps going into the red? Probably not, but damn it, just put black tape over it so you don’t have to look at it.”
Listening to people grunt loudly at the gym – At first I thought it was disgusting and terrifying, but since I belong to a small gym with muted televisions and no music on a loud speaker, it’s nice to have the noise. Otherwise it’s like working out in a library. Plus it’s kind of funny. This one lady screams while doing her military style training. It makes me laugh, but I can’t LOL or she’ll hear me. So I LTM (laugh to myself (OMG, did I just make a new acronym?!?)).
Hearing other peoples ringtones (OPR’s)- It really gives you a quick glimpse into someone else’s life. For example, the other day I heard a ringtone go off that was the Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg song, “Nuthin But a ‘G’ Thang.” Immediately I knew that this person was probably way too cool to hang out with me, and was most likely a marijuana dealer.
Watching George Clooney movies - I make a ton of jokes on this website about Clooney’s stunning good looks (not jokes), but I take for granted that the movies he decides to star in are great. When I saw a preview for Up in the Air I thought to myself, “That looks boring. I’ll never see that. That and that stupid looking Avatar movie.” Three months after I saw Avatar in the theatre four days after its release, I watched Up in the Air. It was great. I felt stupid for not believing in him.
Restarting my computer – It makes me feel like a strict boss. “OK, break time computer.” Computer quickly turns off. “OK, now back to work!” Computer turns on. I like to think that my computer also thinks of me as a strict boss and complains about me when I run to the bathroom.
When I’m playing songs I purchased from Itunes and Sarah McLachlan’s “Building a Mystery” comes on – The only mystery here is how much I had to drink before buying this song. I don’t remember purchasing it, but I know I must have had a good masculine reason for doing so. Either way, once it comes on it brings back a great memory that I can’t remember.
By Sean Patrick
In order to extend this sabbatical, I’m trying to think of ways in which I can make a large amount of money in a short period of time without doing a lot of work. One idea I had was to make a graduation song.
It’s getting close to the time of year where kids all around the country are getting ready to graduate from high school. These delinquents are in desperate need of a graduation anthem that they can play at all of the ceremonies they will be attending in the next couple of months. When I was graduating, Vitamin C saved the day and came out with the smash (piece of s)hit song, “Graduation (Friends Forever).” We didn’t even have to listen to it to know that it was perfect.
In order to get Vitamin C rich, I decided to follow in her footsteps and create a graduation song of my own. I don’t have a tune for it, but I wrote lyrics and am willing to share them with any starving artist that is looking to get Vitamin C rich with me. The lyrics are below, and to keep up with the graduation theme, I posted pictures on the side. As a fun game I included a picture of someone graduating from sexy town. See if you can pick it out.
Now, without further adieu, I give you my smash hit graduation song titled…
You’re Graduating! O.M.G., L.O.L.!
It’s the big day
That you’ve been waiting for
Put on your cap and gown
And walk out the door
Everyone will be there
To see you walk the aisle
Even your drunken cousin
Who was in jail for a while
This is the moment you imagined
Since you first walked through the halls
And now that this time is ending
There are so many memories to recall
Like that time you cornered that freshman
I think his name was Reggie
He had to get a testicle removed
Because you gave him a wedgie
Or the time you decided
To bring a gun to school
And then it went off in your backpack
And you blamed it on Raul.
He’ll be in jail
For about eight to ten
You hope when he gets out
He’ll still want to be your friend
There was the senior prank
That went horribly wrong
You never thought there’d be someone in the building
R.I.P. Principal Chong
And then there was prom
That night wasn’t so bad
Until things got a little out of control
And you pulled a knife on your date’s dad
The day you vomited in gym class
Was something you’ll never forget
At least it wasn’t as bad as Frank Kaplan
Whose own pants he did shit.*
Remember the senior picnic?
Oh what a joy!
You told that chubby teacher
She should lay off the Chips Ahoy’s
And when she was crying
You thought in your head
High school is great
I wish it wouldn’t end
(Chorus)
High School is over
And the end is now
O.M.G.
L.O.L.
(repeat chorus for twelve minutes)
* I don’t know a Frank Kaplan. If your name is Frank Kaplan and you happened to poop your pants in gym class, this is purely coincidental. Also, I’m sorry to hear about your misfortune.
By Sean Patrick
As the years go by and the seasons change, so do the things that impress women. Take the grunge era for example. The guys belonging to this crowd got all the women back in the early nineties. But now if a man doesn’t shower, constantly acts oppressed/depressed and wears only flannel, he would be known as Steve, the creepy homeless guy who poops on your lawn and licks your windows.
Fortunately I’m an expert when it comes to women*, and over the years I have discovered five things that will always impress them. Gentlemen… you’re welcome.
The Mustache – Just like fart jokes, the mustache is timeless. Women are always impressed with a big mustache.
“Look at the guy with the mustache! He must be cool!” – woman from the eighties.
“Look at the guy with the mustache! He must be hilarious! – present day woman.
Even when it’s out of style, it’s in style. When you grow one you’ll think that it makes you look ugly or twenty years older, and you know what? You’re right, it totally does. But women love an older ugly guy. Why do you think George Clooney is so popular?
Gi-ross.
Sleeveless Shirts – Women are always impressed with a man who constantly wears no sleeves. You know why? Because all females love armpit hair. They find nothing sexier in the world than seeing a man’s outrageously long underarm bush. It’s like finding a dead raccoon in your bed: it’s unexplainably arousing.
Polluting – Nothing tells a woman that she’s with a renaissance man like not caring about the environment. Chucking trash out your car window while driving through a subdivision reveals your bad boy tendencies. Even if you’re with an environmentalist who is deeply offended by the act of littering, she will melt once you throw an entire bag full of McDonald’s wrappers into the ocean. And in the rare case where she does react negatively, remind her that the world is ending in 2012. This will change her perspective of you and turn her into a bona fide litter bug. That’ll show you Al Gore! 
Animal Cruelty – Women adore a man who can dominate a defenseless animal. It shows them that you have no problem with shocking displays of unnecessary aggressiveness. Why do you think Hitler was such a ladies man?
Lets imagine that you’re on a romantic stroll through a dog park. Your best move is to bring a taser and show those puppies who the boss is.
Your lady will pretend to be repulsed by the spectacle and may not talk to you for decades, maybe even the rest of her life. But on her death bed you can be assured that the image of you tasering dozens of adorable puppies will run through her head… and she will be impressed with the fact that you gave her a long lasting terrifying image she could never escape from. Kudos to you.
Jokes Made Too Soon – Women adore a man that will go there before anyone else would even consider it, all for the sake of a good laugh. To let a woman know that she is with a comic genius all you have to do is tell a joke that deals with a very recent tragedy. The more recent and more tragic, the better.
A good time for this is at a wake for one of her relatives. After spending some time at the funeral home, bring up the idea of going to get some food afterwards. When she agrees, say to her, “You know who won’t be coming?” Then point over at the open casket.
She’ll pretend to cry afterwards and won’t return your phone calls ever again, but one day she’ll tell her new boyfriend the joke that made her leave you, and it will make him laugh hard. That’s when she’ll be impressed with your unconventional comedic stylings.
*I have an online degree to prove it, courtesy of the University of Phoenix
By Sean Patrick
I just got back Saturday night from a week long trip with my gff Jackie to Canada. We camped all week around the Toronto area, and visited such landmarks as Niagara Falls, Canada’s wine country, and whatever unoccupied baseball field that the Blue Jays play at. After this memorable getaway to our friendly neighbor to the north, I wanted to share some things that happened to us, as well as some differences I noticed about our red flag-ed step child.
My first experience on Canadian soil was when we stopped to get gas. I walked into the bathroom of the gas station, and what do I find written above the stall? “9/11 was an inside job!” Looks like Charlie Sheen has been tagging bathroom walls up north. (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2632130/Charlie-Sheens-911-rant-rocks-US.html)
Canadians say “a-boot.” They will deny it up and down, but they do. Our first day there, we stopped at a convenience store, and since they didn’t have beer we asked where we could buy a twelve pack. The answer? “A-boot 15 minutes south.” I almost peed my pants. It was like finding out that Santa Claus is real. A couple days later in Toronto, we met a guy who had recently visited Chicago. He mocked the Chicago accent, which is when we mocked the fact that Canadians say a-boot. “I have never heard anyone say a-boot, and I’ve lived here my whole life,” he replied. An hour later this same gentlemen says, “We went to a bar in Wrigleyville at a-boot noon and it was packed.” That time I actually did pee my pants a little.
Winning the Canadian Football League championship is about as significant as receiving a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award.
We had no idea what the drinking age was in Canada, but our entire time there we had never been carded when buying liquor. At the Blue Jays game, Jackie went up to a beer vendor, who was surrounded by signs and wearing buttons that said, “We ID under 30!” After she wasn’t carded she asked, “What’s the legal drinking age in Canada?” His response: “I don’t know.”
Because of their bromance with the metric system, Canadian gas is distributed in liters, not gallons. So when you roll up to a gas station and see “.92,” don’t get excited… it converts to over $4 per gallon. It’s sneaky… it’s deceitful… it’s Canadian.
The first camp site we were at was douched with stray cats. By Tuesday, we were one of the only couples left in at the huge provincial park, and since we cooked food every night, we attracted wildlife and ended up being surrounded by thousands of stray cats.* I felt like a creepy middle aged woman.
We saw George Clooney. We joked about seeing him the whole trip, and since he had a red carpet premire in downtown Toronto we were actually able to catch a glimpse of the gray haired heartthrob. To be honest, he’s really not as cute in person. He’s cuter.
At the first movie we saw, a middle aged lady fell down the stairs during the ending credits. It would have been funny, but she fell so hard she started bleeding from her head, making it more hilarious than funny. Unfortunately because it happened in Canada, she will have to wait six months for their health care system to provide her with a band-aid.**
Canada hides their black people.
Beer is expensive. It was $18 for a twelve pack of cans. I’m used to the price of Old Style cans, which you can get a twelve pack for simply taking a urine test. But the best part about the beer we bought is that the color and design of the can makes it look like a Canadian Dr. Pepper, which made my little brother almost open one up twice. 
Fun fact: 80% of the Germans living during the 40’s didn’t know that Hitler was persecuting the Jews, which is why they continued to support him. I know this because an old Canadian-German lady sitting next to us at a theatre told us within the first few minutes of our conversation. I usually wait at least a couple days after meeting someone before I discuss Hitler, but she dove right in before the water was even warm. Canadian small talk doesn’t fuck around. But I guess you have to respect people who say whatever it is that’s on their mind.
Both one and two dollar currency in Canada is in coin form. A one dollar coin is called a looney and a two dollar coin is called a twonie. So if you get three dollars in change, you get two coins instead of the three bills you would get here. Because we are American and are used to coins being of lesser value and somewhat of a nusience, we would give these coins away to homeless people not thinking of their worth. I think we unknowingly gave one homeless guy around $9. He seemed as joyous as a successful business woman.
Overall it was a great trip, and I truly enjoy and respect our northern neighbor, no matter how goofy their numeric system may be. In fact, we plan on going back in a-boot two years.
*When I say thousands, I’m using the metric system. It actually converts to four.
** This statistic courtesy of the Fox News Network.
