Valentine’s Day Gifts Men Should Avoid
As the second most romantic holiday of the year approaches (the first being flag day), men around the country are struggling to come up with the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Although I can’t help you with what to get that special someone, I can definitely tell you what not to get that special someone.
Any sort of 9/11 memorabilia. Even though “she’ll never forget,” Valentine’s day is not the day to remember.
Glamour shots. Not only does this imply that you think she needs a professional makeover, but I don’t think glamour shots has updated their wardrobe since the mid eighties. So all you’re going to get out of this is a pissed off girlfriend and a picture of her in an American flag jean jacket.
Anything found at Spencer gifts. Even their most romantic item, a black light poster of the land of Mordor, is not in the least bit romantic… unless you’re dating a hobbit… in which case you should stop referring to your short girlfriend as a hobbit. She’s probably starting to get really pissed about it.
An all expense paid trip to Reno. You’re basically begging her to get crabs.
The Direct TV exclusive NFL Sunday Ticket package. She’s just getting over the fact that, because Justin Fargas was on your fantasy team, you made her watch the entire Monday Night Football game between the Raiders and the Dolphins. Don’t derive that painful memory on this special holiday.
Granny panties. As much as it made you and your friends laugh when you bought them at TJ Maxx, she won’t find the humor in it.
Commemorative presidential plates. Even though she voted for Obama, she will have no idea what she is supposed to do with a plate with his face on it. (rs)
Anything that involves the word “fart.” This includes fart machines, fart powder, and fart candy. This reiterates my point that you shouldn’t buy her anything from Spencer Gifts.
An act of love that involves causing yourself physical harm. In the end, it’s not worth it. Ask Van Gogh. Loudly.
A signed legal document stating that you promise to never cheat on her again, with the word again written in tiny font.
Anything she needs. Even though she has talked for months about needing a phillips head screwdriver or a new toilet brush, Valentine’s Day is not the time to give them to her. Those are gifts you should get her on a random Tuesday in June.
A novelty t-shirt. Again, as funny as you and your buddies thought the “Honk if You’re Horny” t-shirt was, she won’t. In fact, as a rule of thumb, don’t take any of your single friends Valentine’s Day shopping with you. They just want to destroy your relationship so you can play more Halo.
