By Sean Patrick
Today I went to the gym, and for a while I was all by myself. Since the uncomfortable silence at that place makes it feel more like a monastery than a recreation center, I decided to pump up the volume on a t.v. that was airing the Game Show Network, a television station designed for stay at home dads and drinking games.
The first game show that was playing was an extremely old episode of Family Feud. I know it was old because Richard Dawson was the host and all the women looked like Charlie’s Angels.
I love Family Feud, but I’ve never seen episodes from the 70’s… and let me tell you, I was shocked to see how Mr. Dawson would kiss all the female contestants on the lips. This must have been before the canker sore era, cause that man was kissing anything in sight.
I was really taken aback when one young woman, who was probably around seventeen, kissed him. It felt very inappropriate to watch a senior citizen violate a minor on national television, but it got even worse. After the kiss he said that the kiss wasn’t satisfactory, so she seductively responded with, “I can do it again.” Then he kissed her once more…while her dad was standing right next to her.
Ew.
I had no idea The Feud was a show for sexually promiscuous families. I felt like I wasn’t old enough to be watching such mature material. It made me very uncomfortable.
The next show that was on was Deal Or No Deal.
I used to watch this show at least once a week, and I never saw anyone even come close to winning. But today there was a woman who had five cases to go, and the $1,000,000 case was still in play. While deciding what to do, the woman trying to win the million went to her friends for advice.
This part always upsets me. Every time someone is doing well on the show, one of their friends, typically an angry looking overweight blonde female, is insistent that the contestant continue to play. But I know it’s not because they feel like it’s a smart strategic move… it’s because they are jealous and don’t want their more fortunate and better looking friend to succeed. So in this instance, when she was guaranteed over $250,000 with five more cases to open, the contestant asked her friends what she should do. The angry overweight friend told her that, “I hate it when contestants say deal. Say “no deal!”"
What the hell kind of advice is that? On television this is a game that we are all far removed from, so of course when we are watching it we want the person to take a risk. But this is her friend. This is real. She could potentially throw away over $200,000 dollars by continuing to play. It’s like telling my friend that because I like watching him run over innocent bystanders when he plays Grand Theft Auto, I think he should plow his car through a crowded street festival.
The girl took her “friend’s” advice, and before we could see if this was a smart move, Howie sent us to commercial. Since I was done with my intense military-style workout (12 push ups spaced out in four sets of three and 2 minutes on the elliptical machine), I had to make a decision: stay another 5 minutes just watching television at a public gym or go home. I went home.
I don’t know what happened with this contestant. Maybe she went home with the million… or maybe she went home with $7 because she took financial advice from a woman whose only job is to raise hell at P.T.A. meetings and local video stores. Whatever the outcome, this episode proves that if you have a mean friend that has never wished you well, you should never invite them to be a consultant on Deal Or No Deal.
By Sean Patrick
During this sabbatical, I have grown a newfound appreciation for the game show Family Feud. It’s so entertaining, and unlike Jeopardy! and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, it doesn’t make you feel stupid.
Before I go on, let me put on record that I believe I am smarter than an average fifth grader, but I am not smarter than a gifted fifth grader. I’m not ashamed. Doogie Howser was in medical school in fifth grade, and I know I’m not smarter than he was. But I digress.
I enjoy Family Feud so much that I wanted to write up a mock Family Feud round. The two families competing will be the Jacobs Family and the Johnson family.
LETS PLAY THE FEUD!
Dah dah daaaaaaah, Dah dah daaaaaaah
(Family Feud Theme Song)
A representative from each family walks up to the podium (Shirley for the Jacobs family and Bill for the Johnson family). The guy that used to be on Seinfeld awaits and says a funny comment. The representatives from each family laugh, even though they were under the impression that the guy who played Al on Home Improvement was now the host. They wonder to themselves if that guy is dead. They both hope not.
Host: We surveyed 100 people, top six answers are on the board. Here we go! What type of…
Jacobs family member presses buzzer.
Host: Shirley.
Shirley: Racism!
You see, a contestant always thinks that they know what the guy is going to ask, and most of the time they’re completely wrong, which is one of my favorite parts of the show. The host then has to repeat the entire question back to the other contestant, revealing how wrong the answer that first contestant just made was. When this happens I always yell out, “Ooooooooh, don’t you feel salty!!!” (I talk like a sassy teenage girl from the late nineties when I watch this show)
Host: (shocked) OK… um… lets see, racism.
(pause)
(EHHHHHHHHH!)
Host: OK, Bill, let me repeat the question in its entirety. What type of food is typically eaten in the morning?
(me at home: Ooooooooh, Shirley, don’t you feel salty!)
Bill: Cereal?
Johnson Family Members: Good answer! Good Answer!
Host: Let me see, cereal.
(pause)
DING! Cereal is the number one answer!
Host: Do you want to play or pass?
They always play.
Bill: We’ll play!
I told you.
Host walks over to first Johnson family member who is a guy in his early thirties and is overly enthusiastic. His name is Jim. He wants to start a band and needs Family Feud money to buy a microphone. Later in life, Jim will find out that it’s tough to start a band when you insist that the band name be, “Dr. Wiener and the Butts.” His stubbornness will keep him from his lifelong dream.
Host: OK Jim, name a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Jim: I’m gonna say… bagels?
Johnson Family members: Good Answer! Good answer!
Host: Show me, bagels!
(pause)
DING! Bagels is the number two answer!
Jim can already see “Dr. Wiener and the Butts” on the marquee at the Apollo Theatre. He knows his opening line too. He’ll come out on stage and say, “I’m Dr. Wiener and these are my butts!”
At this point the Johnson family is stoked. Like Jim, they can all see their futures changing before their eyes. They’ll be rich! However, there’s two problems with this mentality: One, I’ve never seen a family walk away from this show with more than $226 and a green 1993 Chevrolet Monte Carlo. Two, most families on the feud are unable to come up with more than two correct answers per round. After the two good answers are in play (in this case cereal and bagels), they can’t think any more. Part of the problem is that once they start to get into a groove, it always seems to be grandma’s turn. Typically grandma hasn’t been listening the whole time. She actually doesn’t know where she is.
Host approaches Grandma Johnson. She is smiling.
Host: Well what a beautiful woman we have here.
He’s lying.
Grandma smiles nervously. She doesn’t know if this was the question. In fact, she doesn’t even know how this game is played. Internally she’s terrified. She doesn’t want to be put in a home and thinks answering this question incorrectly will seal her fate. She thinks that because her daughter made this exact threat during the opening credits.
Host: Name a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Grandma: Um….. um………..
Host: Two seconds.
Grandma: Um………. well……..
EHHHHHHHHH!
Host: Sorry grandma, you ran out of time.
Grandma is near tears. Her daughter shoots her a quick dirty look and mimics a knife slitting her throat.
Host approaches the next contestant, Sharon. She is a female college student who is only on the team because Uncle Vern passed away on Tuesday. In fact, the Johnson’s are currently missing Vern’s funeral.
Host: Sharon, give me a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Sharon: Cigarettes?
The college student on the team always does this. Since college life is far removed from a normal healthy lifestyle, they can’t fathom these types of questions. Sharon here hasn’t been up for breakfast in a while. Furthermore, the various frat houses she wakes up in every afternoon don’t serve breakfast. Her mother thought she would nail this question since Sharon is in a Morning Cuisine Cooking Class. Unfortunately, Sharon hasn’t been back to that class since the first day when she accidentally farted out loud during lecture. She is going to fail the course and will wind up on academic probation. To make things worse, her mother just realized that she might have taken up smoking. They will fight in the dressing room after the show.
Johnson Family: (Not very enthusiastically) Good answer. Good answer.
Host: Let me see… cigarettes!
(Pause)
EHHHHHHHHH!
Host approaches Carrie, the mother of Sharon, the aunt of Jim, and the daughter of Grandma. She is the one who convinced everyone to skip Uncle Vern’s funeral. “He shouldn’t have been driving if he was going to get hit by a drunk driver,” was her argument. She has big hair and is the type of lady who is mean to all of her coworkers. She also, just moments ago, threatened to put grandma in a home and possibly slit her throat. But she is very friendly on camera.
Host: Hello Carrie, how are you doing today?
Carrie: I’m great! I just want to give a shout out to all of my coworkers at General Postage back in Duluth, Minnesota! I miss you guys! Wooo!
Her coworkers hate her even more when they see this on television. She wont be invited to Midge’s birthday lunch in two weeks.
Host: OK, Carrie, if you don’t get this right, the Jacobs family will have a chance to steal. Give me a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Carrie: I’m going to say, toast!
Johnson Family: Good answer, good answer!
Host: Good answer. Let me see, Toast!
(Pause)
EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(I can’t get the X’s to line up. I should have taken a computer class in high school)
This is common. Toast is a very logical answer, yet the survey doesn’t have it on there. I’ve come to the conclusion that they leave the surveys up to their interns, and it’s a fact that interns in California are all on mushrooms (fact courtesy of Wikipedia). These interns begin the survey, but once they’ve surveyed between 12-17 people (as opposed to the promised 100), they decide to quit and make up the remaining answers. They’ve gotten away with it for decades. It’s brilliant.
Now we go to the Jacobs family, who have been deliberating for about three minutes. This part always amazes me. Even though five people have been collaborating for what is the equivalent of an eternity in Family Feud time, they always seem to end with the dumbest answer of the round… even dumber than grandma’s “um…. well…..” and the college slut’s answer of “cigarettes.”
Host approaches Jacobs family. He goes to the head of the group.
Host: We have four more answers on the board. Jacobs Family, this is for the steal. Name a food that is typically eaten in the morning.
Jacobs Family Representative: We’re gonna say, a pillow!
It’s obvious they didn’t understand the question. I’ve seen it many times. I once saw a family in this situation answer the question, “What is a compliment women like to hear?” with the response of, “Lose weight.” My lord.
So this round, the Jacobs gave two answers to the simple question of “what food is typically eaten in the morning”… racism and pillows. The host does everything he can to not laugh in their face and thinks to himself, “I was once on Seinfeld. What the hell am I doing here?”
Host: Pillow… um… ok. Let me see, Pillow!
(pause)
EHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Johnson Family celebrates. Host gains his composure.
Host: OK, lets see the bottom four answers that we couldn’t figure out. Number three.
(Pause)
OMLET
Audience: Omlet!
Families look at each other with, “duh! why didn’t we think of that?” expressions.
Host: Number Four…
(Pause)
FRENCH TOAST
Audience: French toast!
Families look at each other with, “duh, why didn’t we think of that?” expressions.
Carrie Johnson is furious. She said toast! That should have counted! She is going to take out her aggression by yelling at her cube mate Gail when she gets back to Minnesota.
Host: Number Five…
(pause)
CHICKEN
Audience: Chicken!
Families look at each other with, “duh, why didn’t we think of that?” expressions.
Host thinks. “Chicken? Fucking interns.”
Host: And number six…
(pause)
MUSHROOMS
Audience: Mush… rooms?
The interns are busted. The gig is up. They’ll now be interning at Jeopardy, making the game show much easier for drug addicts.
I apologize if you got carpal tunnel from all the scrolling.
