Some Things I Miss About My Desk Job
A lot of people ask me how it is be unemployed. Although I try to treat my writing as a career, it is obvious that what I’m doing is nothing like having the desk job I recently left. Take today for example. My plan was to wake up at 9, I woke up at 10:15. My plan was to be writing by 10, but because the Real World/ Road Rules Challenge was being replayed I started at noon. Right now I’m not even dressed: I’m wearing a robe I bought seven years ago that looks like wallpaper at a retirement facility.
Some may think that this lifestyle is awesome, and some may label it as disgusting and unproductive. I like to think of myself as being an unpunctual dynamo: I accomplish my goals, I just do so much later than I had planned… just like when a divorcee decides to go back to community college. Regardless, it is obvious that my life is different than it was when I was gainfully employed. And although I’m happy with my decision to leave my job while the economy is being raped, there are many things I miss about having a desk job, some of which I wanted to share.
Fire Alarms – Fire alarms were amazing! It meant you could drop what you were doing, no matter how important it was, and go outside! It’s comparable to getting interrupted during a test in grade school for a surprise recess.
The best part is, when you go outside, there is always that white smoke that is coming from the roof. You think to yourself, “This son of a bitch might actually be on fire!” You get flashes in your head of all the things you could do in the next month or two while your workplace is being rebuilt. ”Maybe I’ll visit Denmark!” “Maybe I’ll learn about exotic fish!” “Maybe I’ll get divorced and go back to community college!” Unfortunately, white smoke doesn’t mean fire, and within a few minutes people start filing back into the building. I no longer experience excitement during fire alarms. If the smoke detector goes off in my apartment, it means something is on fire and I may not survive. It sucks.
Moving Desk Day – Holy cow. I loooooooved moving desk day. For reasons unknown, moving from one desk to another took at least 5-6 hours. The task of changing desks seems simple enough: get your stuff, put it in a box, and transport it to another desk. But it never works that way. Hanging all your stuff back up, adjusting to the new temperature, meeting your new neighbors… it takes a ridiculous amount of time. It’s like moving in real life, only it takes longer. I recently moved, and it took me less time to transport my belongings 15 miles away than it did when I had to move my pens and wall decorations two cubicles over.
Three Day Weekends – The thrill of these is lost when you don’t even know what day of the week it is. I didn’t even realize it was Labor Day this year. That would have been unheard of a year ago, when I was making Labor Day plans in February.
But three day weekends were great. You come in on Friday, and immediately it’s like the weekend has already started, typically for one of two reasons. One, you are too excited for the weekend to focus on your job, so you just walk around and talk to friends; or two, you are so hung over from the night before, when you were celebrating the anticipation for your three day weekend, that you can’t get any work done. You spend most of the day in the bathroom, at the coffee machine, or under your desk napping.
The best part is when you only have an hour left of work before a three day weekend. It’s like a St. Patty’s Day parade. Forget about getting any sort of work done. You’re already putting on your bathing suit, sipping a margarita, and checking your bank account to make sure that you can afford the three day drinking binge you plan on going on. It’s an exciting time that I miss.
Snow Day – This is very rare. In grade school, if it snows a quarter of an inch the school may be cancelled depending on what time the snow fell. With work, there could be the equivalent of seven blizzards outside, yet you are still expected to be there. However, sometimes it’s even worse than seven blizzards, and the weather service alert says that if you don’t get home soon, you will be dead before tomorrow morning. So employers have no other choice than to send you home.
And then what? Do you go home to ensure your safety? Do you spend the night shoveling the driveway? No way. You go to the bar to celebrate your half day! Half days are rare, and getting a surprise half day is the equivalent to having a white lion wander into your backyard. No matter how dangerous mother nature may be making the road conditions, you go out and party because you know you may never get another surprise half day for the rest of your life. In my three and a half years at my last job, I got one surprise half day… and it was splendid.
Power Outages – Power outages turn any professional environment into the L.A. riots. There is chaos, screaming, and fear when all the lights go out at your job. I experienced two power outages at my last job, both of which lasted about five seconds each… but that didn’t stop me from stabbing a fellow coworker, flipping a cop car, and starting a desk chair on fire. It’s like there’s no rules. Then when the lights go back on, you carry on with your daily tasks.
God I miss the rush of a good power outage.