My Stand Up Routine
This is the stand up routine that I wrote. I have yet to perform it anywhere because I don’t like my current haircut, but after it grows out I plan on performing this all around the country. I added notes in parenthesis to remind myself what to do while I’m on stage.
Enjoy.
(Walk out on stage. Don’t worry about your hair. Your last haircut grew out and now you look like you could be related to Matt Damon. Maybe as a cousin or something. Begin routine)
Hey everyone, it’s great to be here. (Pause) Sike! (Pause for laughter. Resume)
So I’m from a suburb of Chicago. Why are there so many suburbs? Does Chicago have diarrhea? (Pause for laughter. Take a sip of water to moisten your pallet. Resume)
So I was born in 1981. It’s better than being born in 2001. (Pause for laughter. If none, explain joke) You know, cause of 9/11 and everything. (Pause for laughter. If no laughter just move on cause it’s a dull crowd and the joke is way over their heads. Resume)
Has anyone ever noticed that peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth when you eat it? (Pause for big laughs. Crowds love observational humor. Resume)
But seriously. I noticed that there was a full moon out tonight. (Take out wolf mask and put it on) HOOOOWWWWWWWLLLL! (Run off stage and chase people around like you were a wolf. People laugh when they’re scared. Just like you did when Uncle Charles beat you with a tire iron. How could he do that to you? It was your first Christmas. Block out the painful memory. Come back on stage when laughter is at an all time high. Take a couple of deep breaths. Resume)
Have you ever noticed that your pen always runs out of ink when you need it most? (Pause for another big laugh. Make this your last observational joke. You don’t want to be known as an observation comic. You’re a shock comic that knows no boundaries. You’re fearless. Resume)
But seriously. Christmas is coming up. My great aunt asked me to give her a gift, so I got her a grave site. (Pause for laughs. Don’t think about how your great aunt has been gone for a while and you’ve always blamed yourself for her death. Hold in tears. Take a moment if you feel them coming. You miss her dearly and will never forgive yourself. It’s a painful memory, but you’re a shock comic. You’re fearless. Resume)
So, is anyone here from out of town? (Wait until someone says they are from Cuba. There’s always one) Cuba? Why don’t you put an ice Cuba in my glass of water. (Pause for roar of impressed laughter. People are shocked with your improv skills. Your family was wrong when they said you’d never make it as a comic. It was a good thing that you told them to go fuck themselves at Easter mass. You can finally stop feeling weird about that. Congrats. Resume)
Has anyone watched that Webster show? He doesn’t look anything like his parents. (Wait to see if anyone has an explanation for this. It always confused you. Maybe you should have watched the first episode… but I doubt it explained anything. Resume with the routine. If anyone has a problem with you asking a question with no punchline, it doesn’t matter. You’re a shock comic. You’re fearless. Resume)
Oh, I forgot to mention, tip your waitress. (Pause) Tip her over and throw her to the ground! (Pause for laughter. If people appear frightened, continue joke) Cause that bitch owe me some money! (Pause again for laughter. If still none, go for the hail mary) Because she’s my ho and I’m her pimp! (Laughter guaranteed here. Way to stay with the joke. Persistence is the name of the game. Enjoy the payoff. Resume)
So a couple of weeks ago I had to go the mechanic because my brake light went off. Why don’t they make the brakes out of the same material that they make the black boxes out of? (Pause. Did you tell that joke right? Don’t contemplate. No time. Resume)
I’ve noticed that vampires are the new big thing with teenagers. It’s too bad that I wasn’t a teenager now. I used to love drinking blood. (Pause for laughter. They have no idea you’re not kidding. Now go there) I still do actually! (Bravo. It’s funny to you cause it’s true, and it’s funny to them because it’s shocking and you went there. Check to see if anyone peed their pants from laughing so hard. If so, improvise) Save some of that pee for me! (You own this club. Look around to see if a crowd of people want to carry you off stage like they did at the end of Rudy. If so, end routine and retire from comedy at the top of your game. If not, resume)
Speaking of kids these days, what’s with the emo kids? What do they have to be so depressed about? It’s not like they have cancer. (Pause for giggles. Deliver) Unless they do have cancer. (Pause for loud laughter. The club should literally be shaking by now because people are jumping up and down. Improvise) Auntie Em, it’s a twister! (At this point the club should have collapsed and people will be stuck under the rubble, laughing and struggling for their lives. In the unlikely occasion that this doesn’t happen, give them one more zinger. Make it topical)
My time is about up here, but I have one more joke for you. Why did the chicken cross the road? (Pause while audience says things like “why?” “here it comes!” and “fasten your seatbelts! this is going to be good!” Resume) Because the economy was better on the other side! Thank you and good night! (This is the best moment of your life. Enjoy it. Walk off stage and sign autographs. Now call all your ex girlfriends and inform them how they’ve destroyed you. Then brag about your current success and hang up on them. Before hanging up make sure none of them want to get back together. If they do, accept their offer. You’re lonely. But don’t let them know that. Play hard to get. But not too hard. In fact, don’t play hard to get. Go back to them as soon as they offer. You’re lonely)