By Sean Patrick
I was a sophomore in high school. I had just taken an Algebra test and was sitting around with about fifteen minutes left of class. That day I also had an essay due for my English class, and because I had time to kill I thought I would read it over again to make sure that it was perfect (spoiler alert: it was). I took the folder that my essay was in out of my backpack, and as soon as I opened it…
A GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH APPEARED AND STARTED SCATTERING UP TOWARDS THE TOP OF MY PAPER
I let out a short scream and slammed my folder shut. The room was quiet because of the test, so as I quickly looked around I expected everyone to be staring at me. But somehow no one seemed to notice my outburst. I was in shock for a couple seconds. Then my thoughts went to my essay. By slamming the folder shut I was sure that I had squished the roach and gotten it all over my paper. I wanted to see the damage, but fearing that it was somehow still alive, I decided to play it safe and quickly open up the folder and toss it to the ground.
I opened it up and threw it down, which again made a loud noise that everyone ignored. I stared at the paper. There was no squished cockroach. In fact, there was no cockroach at all. I was confused. Did my mom put LSD in my lunch? Was I seeing non-existent bugs? That’s when that beast of an insect ran out of the sleeve of the folder and headed straight towards the head of the class. I looked around again to see if anyone was noticing the spectacle of me releasing a huge roach from my folder into the classroom, but still no one was paying attention. I focused back on the bug. He quickly walked by three students that were sitting in my row before heading to the backpack of the girl sitting in the front. He went to the base of her bag and disappeared under it.
I was in shock. This entire spectacle happened within a minute, and even with all the noise I was making it had somehow managed to go unnoticed by everyone around me.
There was still fourteen minutes left of class, all of which I spent staring at the base of this girl’s backpack. I knew this girl, but not very well. When I was a freshman she went to homecoming with my friend, and for the big fancy dinner we were supposed to take our dates to before the dance (a homecoming tradition), we took our dates to Denny’s. My girlfriend didn’t seem to mind, but she never talked to me or my friend ever again.
I kept my mouth shut.
I was sure that when class was over, she would pick up her backpack and scream. So when the bell rang, I stayed in my seat to watch the show. But when she picked up her backpack, there was no cockroach. It was gone. It had climbed into her backpack.
Obviously there was nothing that I could do at this point. She had a cockroach in her backpack, and I was 89% to blame for it (5 % of the blame goes to the cockroach, and 6% of the blame goes to JanSport for making their backpacks so cockroach friendly)
I had sixth period band with this girl an obligation to harass band geeks every sixth period, and she happened to be a band member. When I walked into the band room, the first thing I saw was her sobbing as her boyfriend consoled her.
I walked away from her knowing all too well the terror that she was experiencing at this moment.
I thought of asking her if a nice dinner at Denny’s would make her feel better.
By Sean Patrick
On this St. Patrick’s Day, people all around the world will be packing bars, drinking green beer, and sleeping well past the time they are supposed to clock in to work the next day.* Today is a day to celebrate the Irish culture, and since the Irish are mainly known for their drinking problems, many people will be going out tonight to consume dangerous amounts of alcohol. But before you paint your face green and put on your Kiss Me I’m Irish t-shirt, here are a list of some things you should avoid doing while celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.**
Eat Irish Food Before Going Out – If you want to have a fun night at the bars, do NOT eat an Irish meal beforehand. Irish cuisine is terrible. Just last week I watched a special where a food critic was sampling the best foods Ireland had to offer, and it took all of his strength not to puke on camera. But it’s not the fault of the Irish. They grew up in a land with very little access to decent tasting food and were forced to figure out eighty different ways to make a potato. And other Irish foods such as meat pies, bangers, and scones… good lord. Although I have no way to prove it (yet), I’m pretty sure it’s the equivalent of eating human flesh. So don’t do it tonight. You won’t be able to get the terrible taste out of your mouth and your breath will smell like Jeffrey Dahmer’s. But for those of you who simply must have an Irish dish on St. Patrick’s Day, go for the corn beef and cabbage. Although I believe corn beef is simply expired hamburger meat and cabbage is lettuce that was in the microwave for twenty minutes, it’s the only Irish meal that doesn’t instantly induce vomiting.
Attempt Irish Dancing – You may think that it would be fun to try and simulate the dance of the Irish while you’re at the bar, but you’re wrong. It’s just sad and embarrassing. Look, even when professional Irish dancers perform, they look slightly ridiculous. There’s so much bobbing and kicking, and when the performance is over you’re left not knowing if you’re supposed to applaud or giggle. And these are the people have been trained. So when you bring your drunk ass out onto the dance floor to show off your authentic Irish dance moves, you’re just going to make a fool of yourself.
Speak in an Irish Accent – Unless you took an acting class specializing in accent development, most likely you’re Irish accent sounds much more like an English, Scottish, Southern, Bohemian, or Egyptian accent. You’ll confuse people when you attempt to talk like the Irish, and in the end a bunch of strangers will think you have a speech impediment.
Wear a Kilt – Unless you’re a part of a bagpipe posse, there is no reason to be wearing a kilt on this holiday. Although the Irish wear kilts, it’s much more of a Scottish tradition, and who wants to associate themselves with the Scottish. They’re such (insert Scottish stereotype here… if there are any… I’m not aware of one… they actually seem quite pleasant to me).
Pinch Anyone Not Wearing Green – In grade school I remember getting pinched by other children if I neglected to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t know if this tradition still exists, but I do know that adults don’t pinch each other, and it would be hard to explain that the reason you woke up with a fat lip was because you pinched a guy at the bar that was wearing a black leather outfit.
Pay for $20 Worth of Irish Songs on the Jukebox – Hearing a song or two about how fun it is to drink, fight, and neglect your wife pumps everyone up for having a few beers. But after two hours of promoting the merry exploits of a full blown alcoholic, every patron in the bar will want to mimic the actions of the protagonists in these songs. This will lead to lethal brass knuckle fighting and multiple deaths caused by alcohol poisoning.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
* March 18th should be National Unemployment Day
** It seems that all my blogs lately are lists of Do’s and Don’ts. I apologize. I’ve run out of creativity and original thought.
