By Sean Patrick
33/M. Looking for the type of woman I can take to a funeral. Please respond ASAP, it’s on Wednesday and I’m sick of my cousins thinking I’m gay. Must love dogs.
38/F. Recently divorced, looking for a man who would do anything for me. This includes opening up doors, picking up the check, and murdering my ex-husband. His name is Phil Argentin. He lives at 53 E. Foster Ave, Apt. 8B. A slow death is preferred. Bald men need not respond.
33/M. I’m a pyromaniac Fireman born and raised in in the Buffalo area. Looking for an adventurous female who loves irony.
42/M. Sweet, intelligent charity worker with endless amounts of love to give. I enjoy a nice sunset, fresh air, and the happiness of others. Looking for a female who is interested in friendship or possibly more. Looks don’t matter as long as you are beautiful on the inside. Must believe the Holocaust was a hoax.
28/M. Can’t think of anything to blog about today. Maybe it’s because I spend too many hours looking out my window and hoping people will drive over the pothole in our parking lot. Maybe it’s because I marvel too much at the fact that the sun hasn’t been out in Roselle since the 2008 Summer Olympics. Maybe I’m just too excited for the release of 2012 on DVD to concentrate. Maybe I shouldn’t be excited, I hear it’s terrible. In fact, I don’t even want to watch it. I just like a good DVD release. Maybe it’s because I’m sad that I’m losing my ability to spel. Maybe it’s because I fear writing a stupid joke, like the one in the previous sentence. Maybe it’s because I spend too much time wondering what kind of shady business is going on with the people that use the payphone across the street. Maybe the can of Diet Coke I’m drinking from is damaging my brain. It has been open and sitting out for over 28 hours. Maybe it’s because I spend too much time fist pumping. Maybe it’s because I’m still depressed that I missed the winter solstice. I guess I didn’t miss it, I just didn’t realize that it was going on. It would have been a good thing to know. I could have made t-shirts. I had the perfect idea too. I was going to put a big picture of a mole on the front, and under it it was going to say Winter Molestice. I wonder if I’ll ever stop beating myself up over that. Must love dogs.
By Sean Patrick
As the years go by and the seasons change, so do the things that impress women. Take the grunge era for example. The guys belonging to this crowd got all the women back in the early nineties. But now if a man doesn’t shower, constantly acts oppressed/depressed and wears only flannel, he would be known as Steve, the creepy homeless guy who poops on your lawn and licks your windows.
Fortunately I’m an expert when it comes to women*, and over the years I have discovered five things that will always impress them. Gentlemen… you’re welcome.
The Mustache – Just like fart jokes, the mustache is timeless. Women are always impressed with a big mustache.
“Look at the guy with the mustache! He must be cool!” – woman from the eighties.
“Look at the guy with the mustache! He must be hilarious! – present day woman.
Even when it’s out of style, it’s in style. When you grow one you’ll think that it makes you look ugly or twenty years older, and you know what? You’re right, it totally does. But women love an older ugly guy. Why do you think George Clooney is so popular?
Gi-ross.
Sleeveless Shirts – Women are always impressed with a man who constantly wears no sleeves. You know why? Because all females love armpit hair. They find nothing sexier in the world than seeing a man’s outrageously long underarm bush. It’s like finding a dead raccoon in your bed: it’s unexplainably arousing.
Polluting – Nothing tells a woman that she’s with a renaissance man like not caring about the environment. Chucking trash out your car window while driving through a subdivision reveals your bad boy tendencies. Even if you’re with an environmentalist who is deeply offended by the act of littering, she will melt once you throw an entire bag full of McDonald’s wrappers into the ocean. And in the rare case where she does react negatively, remind her that the world is ending in 2012. This will change her perspective of you and turn her into a bona fide litter bug. That’ll show you Al Gore! 
Animal Cruelty – Women adore a man who can dominate a defenseless animal. It shows them that you have no problem with shocking displays of unnecessary aggressiveness. Why do you think Hitler was such a ladies man?
Lets imagine that you’re on a romantic stroll through a dog park. Your best move is to bring a taser and show those puppies who the boss is.
Your lady will pretend to be repulsed by the spectacle and may not talk to you for decades, maybe even the rest of her life. But on her death bed you can be assured that the image of you tasering dozens of adorable puppies will run through her head… and she will be impressed with the fact that you gave her a long lasting terrifying image she could never escape from. Kudos to you.
Jokes Made Too Soon – Women adore a man that will go there before anyone else would even consider it, all for the sake of a good laugh. To let a woman know that she is with a comic genius all you have to do is tell a joke that deals with a very recent tragedy. The more recent and more tragic, the better.
A good time for this is at a wake for one of her relatives. After spending some time at the funeral home, bring up the idea of going to get some food afterwards. When she agrees, say to her, “You know who won’t be coming?” Then point over at the open casket.
She’ll pretend to cry afterwards and won’t return your phone calls ever again, but one day she’ll tell her new boyfriend the joke that made her leave you, and it will make him laugh hard. That’s when she’ll be impressed with your unconventional comedic stylings.
*I have an online degree to prove it, courtesy of the University of Phoenix
