Personal Ads

By Sean Patrick

33/M. Looking for the type of woman I can take to a funeral. Please respond ASAP, it’s on Wednesday and I’m sick of my cousins thinking I’m gay. Must love dogs. 

38/F. Recently divorced, looking for a man who would do anything for me. This includes opening up doors, picking up the check, and murdering my ex-husband. His name is Phil Argentin. He lives at 53 E. Foster Ave, Apt. 8B. A slow death is preferred. Bald men need not respond.

33/M. I’m a pyromaniac Fireman born and raised in in the Buffalo area. Looking for an adventurous female who loves irony.

42/M. Sweet, intelligent charity worker with endless amounts of love to give. I enjoy a nice sunset, fresh air, and the happiness of others. Looking for a female who is interested in friendship or possibly more. Looks don’t matter as long as you are beautiful on the inside. Must believe the Holocaust was a hoax.

28/M. Can’t think of anything to blog about today. Maybe it’s because I spend too many hours looking out my window and hoping people will drive over the pothole in our parking lot. Maybe it’s because I marvel too much at the fact that the sun hasn’t been out in Roselle since the 2008 Summer Olympics. Maybe I’m just too excited for the release of 2012 on DVD to concentrate. Maybe I shouldn’t be excited, I hear it’s terrible. In fact, I don’t even want to watch it. I just like a good DVD release. Maybe it’s because I’m sad that I’m losing my ability to spel. Maybe it’s because I fear writing a stupid joke, like the one in the previous sentence. Maybe it’s because I spend too much time wondering what kind of shady business is going on with the people that use the payphone across the street. Maybe the can of Diet Coke I’m drinking from is damaging my brain. It has been open and sitting out for over 28 hours. Maybe it’s because I spend too much time fist pumping. Maybe it’s because I’m still depressed that I missed the winter solstice. I guess I didn’t miss it, I just didn’t realize that it was going on. It would have been a good thing to know. I could have made t-shirts. I had the perfect idea too. I was going to put a big picture of a mole on the front, and under it it was going to say Winter Molestice. I wonder if I’ll ever stop beating myself up over that. Must love dogs.