My Response to Famous Quotes

By Sean Patrick

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” – Marie Curie

I don’t know. After hearing about the latest mishap at Seaworld, I think it would serve us all well if we had a fear of killer whales. In fact, I think a good rule of thumb would be to fear anything that uses the adjective “killer” to describe a certain species.

“Everything I ever needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten.” – Unknown Hallmark Employee

They didn’t teach any of us how terrifying underground Asian pornography is in Kindergarten.

“The best thing about me is you.” – Shannon Crown

This is sweet, but if Jude Law says this, he’s lying. The best thing about him is him.

“Live as though Christ died yesterday, rose from the grave today, and is coming back tomorrow.” – Theodore Epp

People who live like this turn Jesus into a deadbeat dad. Everyday you wake up looking forward to seeing him, and everyday he doesn’t show. He promised you that he would take you to the park today, and you’ve been looking forward to it since yesterday. But by the evening you’re holding back tears as your mom tries to convince you that Jesus was probably having car troubles, and will definitely be here tomorrow. Behind closed doors she curses at him on the telephone, so loudly that you can hear her through the walls as you cry yourself to sleep.  Eventually she gets fed up with Jesus’ ways and is granted sole custody of you and your siblings, with no visitation rights granted to Jesus.

“Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.” – Richard L. Evans

Excluded:

The Menendez Brothers.

“When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

I had a dream the other night that I was a billionaire in charge of a Skittles factory. I don’t want to sound like a Scrooge when it comes to romance, but life really doesn’t get any better than that. I would think that out of all people in the world who would understand how amazing it would be to own a candy factory, it would be Dr. Seuss.

“To be great is to be misunderstood” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I somewhat disagree. When it comes to the quiet kid in the back of the class who draws pictures of horses instead of listening to the math lesson, I understand. That kid may be great. But when it comes to the kid who snorts paste on a non-existent dare, licks brick walls, and brings dangerous martial arts weapons to school, I disagree. That kid is not great. He’s dangerous, and should not be in the same room as other human beings. I think when Emerson said this, he was trying to justify the actions of his delinquent step son who was being held in prison for lighting nuns on fire.

“I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.” – Abraham Lincoln

Come on Abe. How does this scenario make life better? Before you had an enemy who you saw maybe once or twice a year. Now you have a new friend you hate that drops by all the time. You’re eating dinner with a loved one on a Thursday evening when this jackass comes over with a jug of whiskey, a UFC compilation tape, and a sleeping bag. That’s the point where you remember exactly why you hated this guy, and will soon be forced to make him your enemy again. Awk-ward!

“Clean your finger before you point at my spots.” – Benjamin Franklin

Eww.

“Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.” – Chinese Proverb

I agree 100% with this. I’m just surprised that the Chinese, who are known for their overwhelming intellect, needed to be reminded of this. What else do they need to be reminded of? Don’t eat your friends fingertips? Don’t kill your friends favorite relative? Unfortunately I think I’ll have to be more cautious of the Chinese from now on. 

“It’s easy to halve the potato when theirs love.” – Irish Proverb

It’s unfortunate, but sharing a potato is about as romantic as the Irish can get. 

“Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.” – Oscar Wilde

I really wish that when I put diesel gas into my parents mini-van in high school, someone would have taught me beforehand that it was going to destroy it. Looking back, I think that is something that would fall under the category of “worth knowing.” It would probably also fall under the category of “too obvious to ever be taught.”

“A road to a friend’s house is never long.” – Danish Proverb

Obviously Denmark has no plot of land that is even close to resembling that of rural Nebraska.