My All Time Academy Award Winners

By Sean Patrick

Best Achievement in Makeup

And the Oscar goes to…

The Makeup Artists behind the movie Moonstruck

They made Cher into a beautiful, radiant female, even though in real life she’s just an average looking guy.

Best Documentary, Short Subjects 

And the Oscar goes to…

The TLC Network

Every show they have involves little people in real life situations. The Little Chocolatiers, Little Couple, Little People Big World, Little Littles… they got it all. I know they’re not making movies, but no one has spent more time and effort on documenting short subjects than TLC, so they deserve the Oscar.

Best Documentary, Features

And the Oscar goes to…

A League of Their Own

It was a brilliant and revealing behind the scenes look into the Chicago White Sox organization.*

Best Achievement, Costume Design

And the Oscar goes to…

To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar

No explanation needed.

Best Achievement in Art Direction

And the Oscar goes to…

…who cares. Please just speed up the damn show. It’s almost 3 am. 

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published

And the Oscar goes to…

Dude, Where’s My Car? based on Cormac McCarthy’s best selling novel The Road

It’s a very loose interpretation, but The Road deals with a father and his son walking around the country after what is suggested to be a nuclear holocaust. Why are they walking? Because they can’t find a car. Hence the inspiration for the groundbreaking screenplay Dude, Where’s My Car?

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen

And the Oscar goes to…

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Original script, original idea, delightful title. I’ve never seen it, but I know I love it. 

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

And the Oscar goes to…

The Old Lady from The Goonies

She scares me, and I feel that if I don’t give her an award, she will stab me in the belly… even though she’s dead. That’s how much I’m scared of her.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

And the Oscar goes to…

Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump

He did great, and his character was a great side story for that movie about Lieutenant Dan.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

And the Oscar goes to…

The Girl who played Jamie in the hit High School Spanish Class Educational Video, La Catrina

Because the whole film was in Spanish, I never understood a word she said. But the delivery of those mysterious words was groundbreaking. 

Best Performance By an Actor in a Leading Role

And the Oscar goes to…

Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry

I haven’t seen this dude in anything since, but he did a tremendous job. 

Best Motion Picture

And the Oscar goes to…

Billy Madison

The movie that made me want to become a filmmaker. Now I’m 28, unemployed, and writing a blog that insults actors and actresses that have done much more with their lives than I ever will.**

*boo yah

** This comment could be a lyric from Alanis Morissette’s song Ironic