If I Received a Large Amount of Money

By Sean Patrick

Everyone has their own fantasy of what they would do if they won the lottery, and I’m no different. However, I don’t play the lottery. I don’t even think I know how to play the lottery. So when I fantasize about receiving large amounts of money, it rarely includes winning the lotto. My fantasies are much more realistic: they involve an extremely wealthy businessman that wants nothing more than to give away his money to the next guy that walks through the front doors of the Dutch Inn West Bar and Grill. Luckily, that person would be me. 

With a large sum of money, there’s one thing I would want to do: blow it all. I love the stories of people who win the lotto and then go bankrupt. I recently read about a girl who won three million dollars two years ago, and since then she has spent nearly one million of it on designer clothes alone. Now she’s down to a couple thousand dollars and wishing she never won the lottery. That’s awesome! I want that kind of story, only when I’m broke I won’t say, “I wish I never got all that money.” I’ll say “I hope I get that much money again! That was rad! Now lets go look at all the cool shit I bought before I have to give it back!”

Because I’ve thought about this so much, I wanted to share some of the things I’d do if I received a ridiculous amount of cash.

If I Received $910,000,000.

I would make an unknown, terrible book into a best seller. Something like the novelization of the movie Air Bud 2 – Golden Retriever. Since I’m sure this has never been published, I would spend $200 million on getting an enormous amount of copies made. Then I would make sure that each copy was sold for $1, and I would purchase 700 million copies. The remaining $10 million I would spend on hiring Steven Spielberg to film John Grisham, Beverly Clearly, and J.K. Rowling’s faces when they hear that the novelization of the film Air Bud 2 – Golden Retriever has sold more copies than all of their books combined.  

If I Received $17,900,000,000

I’d buy NASA, which is reported to be worth around 17.6 billion dollars. First order of business would be getting Lance Bass into space, so he could live his/our lifelong dream of having a member of N’Sync experience space travel. I’d also change the name of NASA to N’NASA in honor of the revolutionary band Lance helped create. With all the hate mail I’d get from space geeks, scientists, and Backstreet Boys fans, I’d throw a big honarary bon fire for Lance when he got back from his journey. The next day I’d shut down NASA… sorry… N’NASA, and spend the rest of the money on turning the headquaters into a big Showbiz Pizza, since I haven’t seen one of those places in years.

If I Received $9,000,000

I would get all the plastic surgery necessary to look like Devon Sawa, circa 1995. This is the year he was in Casper. Ladies, don’t even pretend to not know what I’m talking about.

No matter what age the women from my generation are, they still melt at the thought of this 15 year old coming down the stairs after turning from ghost to human. So I would get enough plastic surgery to look completely identical to him. Then I would go out on the town every night and flirt with women in my age range until all of them realize how creepy it is that at their age they still think a 15 year old is sexy.

Sorry if I sound bitter, I’ve just had way too many relationships destroyed because of the end of Casper. 

If I Received $1,368,983

I would hire the worlds greatest private investigator to track down Carmen Sandiego ($600,000). Once found, I would hire a group of locals in whatever exotic country she has been located in to capture her ($38). Then I would have a private jet transport her to O’Hare airport ($66,000), and from there an armored car would drive her to my basement ($1,500). In the basement I will have a state of the art cage ($30,000), equipped with a bed($600), shower($200) ,toilet($225) and clothes from T.J. Maxx ($110). Then I will rehire the private investigator that found her to track down her mom and dad ($600,000). Meanwhile, while waiting for her parents to be located, I will keep Carmen fed ($800) and entertained with a high definition television ($1600) and every Gilmore Girls Complete Season DVD that is on the market ($250). Once her parents are found, I will have them flown to O’Hare on a private jet ($66,000) and have a limo transport them from the airport to my house ($160). Once they get there, I will take out my brand new video camera ($1500), and record the dramatic and emotional reunion that has been in the making since I was in grade school (priceless).

Carmen and Family!

If I Received $500,000,000

I would spend $499,000,000 on the fattiest foods you can think of: milkshakes, whoppers, pizzas, hot dogs… anything loaded with an inhumane amount of calories. Then with the remaining $1,000,000, I would ship all of this food over to the smallest famine stricken country I could find. That way I could feed the hungry, and at the same time ensure that the U.S. would no longer have the highest obesity ratio in the world! It would solve two problems at once!

The next time the department of health releases a survey of the fattest countries in the world, we won’t have to be embarrassed: Mozambique will!  Furthermore, I can’t think of anything better for our countries image than an American single handedly spreading heart disease throughout a third world country. 

USA!