That’s right, I’m talking about my blog titled…

YO MOMMA JOKES!!!!!

I have never heard anything good about this post. In fact, I still get emails from people leaving comments on how stupid it was. The most recent was a delight. Two weeks ago I logged into my email to find a message with the subject  ”FUCK YOU,” and a message stating “THEY SUCKED SOOOOOOOOO BAD.” Another stranger informed me that, “Dude, u suck.” While the intention of the blog was for it to be so bad that it was good (like the movie Schindler’s List), it apparently missed the mark.

After this much criticism, you’d think I’d be tempted to delete this blog from the website.

But I’m going the opposite direction, and giving my most despised blog….

AN AUDIO TRACK!!!!!

Let the hilarity begin!

                 Yo momma gets nosebleeds!

                Yo momma so fat, there’s an Amber Alert out for her belly button!

            Yo momma so fat and stupid, she thought running for president meant running to the Jewel to buy President’s Choice cookies! (optional: “And they some nasty cookies!”)

               Yo momma gave my dog rabies!

              Yo momma’s toenails are so sharp, they were used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson!

             Yo momma’s so clueless, she thought 9/11 was 0.818181!

       Yo momma so poor and desperate, she brought Monopoly money to the currency exchange!

          Yo momma’s eyebrows are so thick, Alan Thicke sued her! (with this one, quickly go into another “yo momma” joke before people realize that it doesn’t make sense)

        Yo momma ate the library!

          Yo momma’s missing!

     Yo momma so dumb, she thought the vacuum cleaner was a device to clean her vacuum!

           Yo momma so stupid, she thought she was putting farts into her gas tank!

      Yo momma’s head so big, kids hope she gets dandruff so they can get a day off of school!

           Yo momma’s a truck driver!

          Yo momma’s so manly, she’s Burt Reynolds!

                      Yo momma’s dead!

                  Yo momma went to DeVry!

          Yo momma’s so boring, she’s from Montana!

                Yo momma eats so much food, she gonna get diabetes! 

                Yo momma likes flavors and winter so much, she ate Vanilla Ice! 

               Yo momma so old, she knew the thirteenth president of the United States! (if the person replies with, “You mean Millard Fillmore?” come back with, “Dang, you’s a nerd!)

                    Yo momma eats’ bugs!

              Yo momma has so many seizures… is she ok?

Everyday, millions of people use the word ‘ignorant’ to describe friends and strangers alike. But a recent report shows that the people who use this adjective most often are actually using it incorrectly.

Rebecca Kimble, a lifetime resident of the Chicagoland area, is a living example of this phenomenon. 

Last Tuesday, after seeing a homeless stranger taking a nap on the bus she was riding on, Rebecca scowled and said, “that guy is soooo ignorant.” Although the man was sleepy, homeless, unbathed, and hairy, there was no indication that he was ignorant. Rebecca continued to spout the insult, calling the bus driver ‘ignorant’ for driving too slow, the mail lady ‘ignorant’ for having thick ankles, and her boyfriend ‘ignorant’ for surprising her with a wedding proposal. 

“She obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the word,” said a coworker who wished to remain anonymous. “I made a joke the other day and she called me ignorant. That would maybe work if my joke was tasteless, but it was a knock-knock joke. And she laughed at it. Really hard. At first I thought she maybe got the word ‘ignorant’ confused with the word ‘hilarious,’ but after hearing her refer to the untimely death of a coworkers spouse as ‘ignorant,’ I have no idea what she thinks ‘ignorant’ means.”

Ironically, when Rebecca is calling everyone ‘ignorant,’ she is in fact being ignorant herself. ‘Ignorant,’ which is defined in Websters as “lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified,” is what Rebecca is being when she misuses the word, since she is lacking the knowledge of the meaning of the word ‘ignorant.’ When she was approached with this information, she called our reporter “ignorant” and stormed out of the room.

MLB Temporarily Lifts Steroid Ban For A-Rod’s Pursuit Of 600

After becoming more and more impatient, the MLB has decided to temporarily suspend the steroid ban for Alex Rodriguez so he can hit his 600th home run. 

Rodriguez, who has been one home run away from the milestone for over a week and a half, has gone 9-43 in the 11 games he’s played in since he reached 599. His latest effort, an 0-5 performance against the Blue Jays, was what led to the shocking decision. MLB commissioner Bud Selig commented.

“Watching his pursuit of 600 is like watching the ending of the third Lord of the Rings movie: You keep thinking it’s about to be over, but it just doesn’t end. I’m getting tired of it. The league is wasting too much money on specially printed balls, and I’m sick of having to attend Yankee games. They’re scary. So we’re temporarily going to look the other way while A-Rod injects himself with whatever made him hit 57 home runs in 2002. After he hits number 600, the ban will be reinforced.”

While popping a vein and excessively winking, Rodriguez commented on the news.

“I’m insulted by this. I don’t need any substance to hit home runs. I refuse to do it.”

He then high-fived all the reporters and walked into the training room with a gentlemen wearing a black trench coat and fake mustache. 

Other players around the league are furious about the arrangement, including Boston’s David Ortiz.

“That’s unfair! He should have to risk a 50-game suspension like the rest of us! It’s like giving one person permission to kill his wife, but making it illegal for everyone else! It feels like the O.J. trial all over again! You think I don’t want to kill my wife?!?”

Ortiz’s wife was immediately given a 24-hour security escort after these comments were made. Roid rage is suspected.

Everyone complains about Walmart. If this were a hip website, I would make the surprising and humorous argument that Walmart was a great place to shop. I can’t do it. My fingers wont allow me to type it. Walmart is completely terrible, and my story will reveal some of the many reasons why this is true.

THE STORY

6:15 p.m.

Tuesday night I went to Walmart to pick up a prescription. For the sake of sounding cool, I am going to say that I was getting my penial reduction pills that are being forced upon me by the federal government’s gynecology department.  

Typically when I drop off a prescription, I’m told it will take about 10 minutes to get my order ready. And let me tell you, those 10 minutes are always the worst part of my year. But this time, I was told that it was going to take about 45.

45 minutes…

PROBLEM WITH WALMART

The Lighting

The electricians at every Walmart have been instructed to install hundreds of upsetting fluorescent light fixtures. This lighting makes everyone and everything in the store look horrendous. Zac Efron couldn’t even pull off that lighting, and he’s a dude that would look gorgeous covered in baby scalps.

Because it’s hopeless trying to look good in there, we all dress down before we even walk into the store. Next time you’re there, take a look around at what people are wearing. It’ll shock you. Then take a look at what you’re wearing. You’ll think to yourself, “Where did I get these yellowish-white sweatpants and this XXL Tweety Bird t-shirt?”

Not wanting to drive all the way home and back and unwilling to spend any more time in that concentration camp than I had to, I decided to cross the street and go to Target.

Ahhh, Target. What a refreshing breath of life. It’s like going to the Sybaris. The lights are turned down low, the cliental don’t look like goblins, and your soul doesn’t feel like it’s being ripped out of your ass. 

I walked around this heavenly store for about thirty minutes before returning to Walhell. It was almost 45 minutes after the woman told me my prescription would be ready, so I stood in line and waited to get my order. 

6:50 p.m.

Although the line was only three people deep, it took ten minutes to get up to the front. This was because only one woman, who was extremely friendly, was working the register. There was another girl that was available to help out, but she chose to sit in a chair and do nothing but watch us all die slowly in front her eyes. Her refusal to help struck me as odd, but at this point I didn’t really care. I was still feeling my Target buzz, and I knew that in just a few minutes I would be away from this giant gravesite and on my way home. But something was staring to bother me…

PROBLEM WITH WALMART

The Constant Airing of One Commercial

I understand the concept of advertising. In fact, I’m a fan of advertising. Without it, I would have no idea that people who use Axe Deodorant are dicks. But recently, Walmart joined forces with Dove Men’s Body Wash (finally), and the store insists to air their commercial on the television located in the pharmacy section every two minutes. That advertisement is this… 

For the rest of this blog, I will be posting it as often as I had to hear it. If you want the virtual experience of being at Walmart, feel free to play it every time you approach it.

I was in line behind a man who had something catastrophic happen to his eye. He had a huge bandage over his right eye, and when he got up to the lady working at the counter, he was informed that his prescription wasn’t ready yet. If he had two good eyes, he probably would have cried.

Now it was my turn.  

I walked up to the counter and told her my name. She looked up my information, nervously giggled, and told me it would be a “few more minutes”…

…now I was the one that was holding back tears…

The reason I went to Target was to avoid having to wait inside this poorly-run orphanage. But here I was, dressed in an undershirt and black dress pants, being forced to loiter around the pharmacy section of the store until they called my name. 

7:00 p.m.

The pharmacy section in any store sucks. Walmart’s is worse. There is nothing to entertain yourself with. I was quickly getting bored, and before I knew what was going on, I was in front of the condoms.

I don’t remember approaching the area, but all of a sudden I was standing there, in front of strangers, staring at condoms. I don’t know what it was. I was in a hypnotic gaze. I would spend a minute looking at one brand of condom, and then would slowly move onto the next one. I was like a kid in a condom store.

After seven minutes, I realized that I had been giving the prophylactics way too much attention. When I looked up, I saw One-eyed Willie staring at me with his functioning eyeball. He must have thought I was insane. But he was the one with the eye-patch, so the feeling was mutual.

7:20 p.m.

After twenty minutes, the pharmacy was packed with angry people whose prescriptions weren’t ready. One of these people was an old lady who had a cranky look about her. Her hair was frizzy, her jeans were white, and her mustache would make any seventh-grade boy envious.

Although she was angry, she had only been there for about five minutes. Including the time that I dropped off the prescription, I was approaching an hour. But being a dissatisfied customer at Walmart is way too trendy, and since I am the opposite of trendy (I LOVE MILEY CYRUS!!!), I kept my cool. 

7:35

Although I had earned the right to cut in front of everyone, hop over the counter, and strangle the girl behind the counter who was still refusing to help, I got back in line.

The line took another 10 minutes. When it was about to be my turn, Captain One-Eye cut right in front of me, stuck both of his hands down the back of his pants, and started feeling his own ass. 

This isn’t a joke.

In a bizarre act of protest that only punished me, this man cut me in line and stood three feet away from me while he massaged his butt cheeks. He had officially stopped caring, and to be honest, I respected him for it. Although I wish he would have chosen a different way to show his disgust, I happily let him get in front of me and respectfully looked the other way while he was having alone time with his backside.

Unfortunately for ass-hands, he got bad news. His prescription wasn’t ready. He was pissed, and he let the teller and anyone else in a twenty-foot range know just how unhappy he was. I felt bad for the teller, who was slowly becoming less pleasant. But now,

it was my turn. I was about to end this nightmare. 

Having given her way more than “a few minutes,” I was sure that my prescription would be ready. In fact, I thought maybe she would offer me a free bag of cookies or at least some Dove Mens Body Wash since at this point I had memorized the commercial.

I told her my name, she looked at the computer, and said, “oh, there was a problem.” Then she walked away. As she left I said, with my bottom lip trembling and in the saddest voice I’ve ever heard come out of my mouth, “….wwwwhat is it?”

She talked to a pharmacist for a few minutes, and then came back to me.

“We need your authorization to fill your prescription.”

I was confused.

“Uh, I mean, yeah, of course you have my permission.”

“OK. I’ll put that in the system, and it should be ready in 15 minutes.”

…………

I’ve never been stabbed in the chest with a sharpened toothbrush as my fingertips are being chewed off by Roloffs while I’m forced to watch everyone I know and love slowly being cut to pieces with swords by terrorists wearing Green Bay Packers jerseys… but at this moment, I caught a glimpse of what it would feel like. 

Of course they have my permission!!!!! I dropped it off to them!!!!! 

I was dying inside. I wanted to scream, but my scream is too feminine. To make things worse, as I left the counter, the mean old lady looked at me, giving me the “can you believe this?” look. I quickly looked away. I didn’t want to be associated with her. She’d been waiting for ten minutes, I was nearing an hour and a half. She had no idea. Plus, by the looks of her, it seemed like a good thing that she had to wait. She could use some time away from her overly-draped living room and her dozens of undomesticated cats. 

Fearing that I would faint from anger, I decided to sit down. I sat on a bench next to the counter and stared at the ground, trying to recall if I got into a car accident on the way to the store and was now in a crueler version of hell… 

As I was 

staring at the ground, a man walked up next to me and put his sandaled left foot into my limited line of vision.

His big toe… was not doing so well. I’m guessing that’s the reason he was at the pharmacy.

Attached to the big toe was the worst yellow toenail I’ve ever seen in my life. It was literally falling apart before my eyes. Like a Vietnam war vet, my personality has altered since seeing that thing. To make things worse, he smelled like expired taco meat. 

I got up and went back to my former safe haven: the condom section. I tried to get into the same trance as before, but I was rudely interrupted by the loud speaker making the announcement that “A little girl wearing a red shirt and brown pants has gone missing. If you see her, please bring her to the customer service desk.”

I thought about this missing girl. Either she couldn’t take it anymore and ran out of the store without her parents, or she was kidnapped and now tied up in the back of some creepy guys van. Both scenarios made me jealous of this missing child. 

Unfortunately for her, the girl was quickly found, and I was losing my mind. I began to realize that I was in a test of wills with Walmart. If I left without my penial pills, Walmart would win. If I waited long enough to get my prescription, I would leave a battered man*, but I would leave with my pride. 

8:00 p.m.

I got back in line. It was a long line, and if the end result was not favorable, I figured I may need to order blood pressure pills as well, which would extend this evening even more. After another 10 minutes in line, in front of a girl who was openly complaining that it had taken her over 5 minutes to get what must be her “bitch pills,” I was back in front of the teller. I said my name, she looked me up, and told me my order wasn’t ready. 

I was Pearl Harbor devastated. 

As I was about to walk to the gun section of the store, the teller stopped me and told me to stay up front. After 5 more minutes of waiting up there, it was ready. 

During my long wait at Walmart, I thought I would have to wrestle a swarm of gargoyles in order to get what I came for. But I just got my penial reduction pills and at that point and left. But before I walked out I heard this one last time…

*sounds delicious

SEANSABBATICAL BREAKING NEWS is the newest feature on this beloved website!!!

Besides getting your non-daily fix of humor, I want this blog to also be a respected and dependable news source. Inspired by Fox News, I will be ignoring facts and necessary research in order to bring you the best and most exciting news in the country! I promise I will stop at nothing to give you the stories you need to hear, and if other news outlets try claiming that my reports are inaccurate, remember that the left wing media is run by Nazi’s. 

Let the inaccurate reporting begin!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Illiterate Adults Find Wheel of Fortune Offensive

For the past month, the producers of the hit television game show Wheel of Fortune have been greeted by protesters when arriving to Sony Pictures Studio. But what’s the reason? Do the protesters think that the letter “y” should always be considered a vowel? Are they angry at Vanna White for holding the secret to eternal life? Or are they fed up with not knowing the true gender of Pat Sajak?

????????

None of the above. 

The problem actually has to do with their own misfortunes.* These protesters are mad at the show because they are illiterate.

The group GHHH, which is supposed to stand for Illiterate Adults Around America, finds Wheel of Fortune offensive in that it only caters to those who can read. Gerald Ostrick, the founder of GHHH, explained.

“It’s insulting! A bunch of adults showing off the fact that they have a solid grasp of the alphabet! It’s called boasting, and it’s illegal!”

Boasting, which is definitely not illegal, is the accusation made against the show that has shocked the President of Sony Pictures, Jeff Blake. 

“For the first couple of weeks we had no idea that we were being protested. They had signs and everything, but… you know… they’re illiterate. Nothing was spelled right. We thought maybe they were protesting Family Feud for being racist, which happens quite often. But when we heard that we were being accused of “boasting,” we were shocked. We thought promoting literacy was a good thing. I guess we were wrong… ??”

Pat Sajak was not as kind.

“Screw those guys! And put that in print, cause I know they won’t be able to read it!”

Pat Sajak, who has been suffering from “cranky old tranny’s disease” (COTD) since 2007, refused to retract this statement when the studio requested he do so.

THIS JUST IN!!!

The producers of Wheel of Fortune are refusing to change the format of the show and have suggested that the protesters watch more “Win, Lose, or Draw” reruns. 

*Or should we say Wheel of misFortunes?

“Me and the family just missed our flight!! Bought 6 tickets for nothing!! ARRRRGH!! So mad!!!” – Jarod Canan, one of six Hindenburg survivors, May 6, 1937. 

“Just bought front row tickets for tonights game!!! Life is perfect!!! World Series, here we come!!!” – Steve Bartman, October 14th, 2003

“Planning on getting crazy tonight with the boys. Time to make a memory fellas!” – Joran van der Sloot, May 30th, 2005

“Work today and then a movie.” – Lee Harvey Oswald, November 22, 1963

“Bought my first dog today. Don’t know what to do with it.” – Michael Vick, 2005

“My apartment stinks. I don’t think my neighbor flushes his toilet. ” – Phil Kardian, former neighbor of Jeffrey Dahmer

“What the hell is going on?!?!?” – Helen Keller, 1922

Over the years we’ve heard many cute and comical stories involving the Stanley Cup trophy: it ended up at the bottom of Mario Lemieux’s pool, Sylvian Lefebvre’s daughter was baptized in it, Doug Weight adorably let his entire family eat ice cream out of it, and so on.

But if the Stanley Cup could talk, he would have some shocking stories to tell.

While the media adores a good Stanley Cup story, they have long shied away from reporting on the events that would undoubtedly defile the prestige behind the beloved trophy. After a ton of negotiating, I was granted the permission to report on some of these disturbing occurrences.

1997  

Mike Vernon, the goaltender for the 96-97 Detroit Red Wings, used the cup to do something that makes Weight’s ice cream story seem even more pansy than it already is: he used it to bury a dead body.

On his way to his hometown of Calgary, Alberta, Vernon struck a hitchhiker on a deserted back road. To avoid the legal hassle that comes with vehicular manslaughter, Veron decided to take care of the problem himself.

He dragged the body deep into the woods to bury it. Not having the proper equipment on him, he was forced to use the Stanley Cup as a shovel to dig a hole big enough to dispose of a human carcass. After an hour and a half the body was completely underground, and to Mike’s relief, he was able to get home in time for Degrassi Junior High.  

1990 

Petr Klima of the Edmonton Oilers’ 1990 championship team didn’t fill the cup with ice cream: he filled it with illegal pornography.

The Czechoslavakian knew that while his pornography stash was legal in his hometown of Chomutov (a city that prides itself on it’s lax pornography restrictions), it was forbidden in Canada. Since getting his collection through customs was risky, while at home Petr opened up the bottom of the cup, put his illegal content inside, and closed it back up. Unfortunately Klima forgot about this when he got back to Canada, and weeks later, when Gretzky was displaying the cup at his hometown parade, the bottom opened up and the shocking material was spread all over the ground. He was immediately arrested and charged with possession of illegal and disturbing pornographic material. To avoid the stern Canadian legal system, Wayne immediately headed to Los Angeles to play for the Kings. 

1942  

The 41-42 Toronto Maple Leafs pulled off one of the most amazing comebacks in sports history. After being down 3-0 to the Detroit Red Wings in the finals, Toronto won four straight games to became Stanley Cup Champions. This amazing comeback had a lot to do with the extraordinary play of goaltender Turk Broda. While his clutch performance in the finals is still talked about in Toronto, it’s what he did with the cup afterwards that has made him a national legend.

When Turk brought the cup back to his hometown in Ukraine, he decided to show it off at a local pub owned by his grandfather. All night the trophy was passed around so that the bar regulars could chug their drinks from it. The patrons that were lucky enough to participate in this tradition included many of Broda’s friends, family, and Adolph Hitler.

Yes, you read that right.

Germany was in the process of occupying Ukraine at the time of the celebration, and the Fuhrer happened to take a liking to the establishment that Broda’s grandfather owned. And on the night of Turk’s party, the German leader just happened to be at the bar.

When Hitler asked if he could consume his drink from the Stanley Cup, Broda was too scared to say no. Surprisingly, while most of the crowd decided to drink beer from the cup, Hitler preferred to sip on a pomegranate margarita served ice cold with a mango twist. It has been rumored that because of the difficulty that goes with drinking from the large trophy, Hitler got some of his margarita on his tiny mustache.

Montoya Gets Green Card Printed On His Car Before Race In Arizona

Colombian Nascar driver Juan Pablo Montoya was forced to place a large replica of his green card on his Target Chevrolet Impala before Sunday’s Nascar competition at Phoenix International Speedway. The Bogota native was obligated to take this drastic measure because of the strict immigration reform that was recently enforced in the state of Arizona. 

The problem became apparent the day before, when Phoenix police officers pulled Montoya over five times during his two qualifying laps to check for proof of citizenship. This resulted in Pablo earning the final spot in Sunday’s lineup, and influenced the decision to print out a large replica of the driver’s green card and put it on his hood. 

Although the green card prevented him from being pulled over during Sunday’s race, he was unable to break into the top thirty because two of his crew members (also Colombian) were placed in a holding cell just hours before the green flag was waived. The problem? They showed up to the track in a minivan. Phoenix’s police chief explained.

“We have been given the right to pull over and detain anyone that appears suspicious. Nothing is more suspicious than two Colombian’s in a minivan. Not just because of their race, but also because of their vehicle. You don’t see minivans at Nascar events. There’s trucks, tractors, trailers… any automobile you can think of that starts with a ‘t.’ So when a minivan pulled up with questionable looking gentlemen inside, we had to act first and ask questions later. It turned out they were legal, but we have a couple of our finest officers still following them just in case.”

Phoenix detectives also secretly listened in on the conversation going on between Juan Pablo and his crew chief Brian Pette during the race to see if they were discussing anything suspicious. They almost took action after hearing the two occasionally use the Spanish phrase “ay ay ay.” 

“This reform prohibits bilingual speech. If we can’t understand you, we can’t guarantee that you’re supposed to be here. We almost took action there, but we decided to wait and see if any other red flags showed up.”

The “red flags” that he’s referring to are objects that the new law also prohibits in the state of Arizona. This includes items such as sombreros, chiuauas, and Menudo cassette tapes, none of which Montoya had in his car when it was repeatedly searched the day before.

This blog has a little bit of everything: various styles of humor, great pictures, Avatars, bold lettering, exclamation points, and surprise a special guest at the end!

LET THE MADNESS BEGIN!!!

WHOA!!! AN OPTICAL ILLUSION!!! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!?!

Quick Seinfeld-esque joke:

What’s the deal with evaporation? 

Hope you brought your 3D glasses!!!!!

3D STUFFED ANIMAL!!!!!

Quick Observational Joke:

Women love the mall!

TWO AVATARS!!!!

Quick Knock Knock Joke:

Knock Knock.

…

…

…

…

Isn’t anyone going to answer?!?

(the man inside is dead)

JUSTIN BIEBER ON A HORSE!!!

The Chinese Symbol For Tickling:

POLITICAL HUMOR:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN IN SUNGLASSES!!!!

Aint no party like an emoticon party!!

Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Elton John!!!

I think I might have actually loss some readers after this one.

But I discovered some SHOCKING news today while studying up on American History. 

On November 10th, 1944, the USS Mount Hood, a World War II U.S. Navy ammunition ship, exploded off the coast of Seeadler Harbour in Papua New Guinea. The blast killed all 350 men on the boat and even more casualties occurred on nearby vessels. It was a sad moment in United States history, and to this day they have not been able to figure out what exactly caused this horrific tragedy.

Well, I’ve been doing my research, and I’ve come up with an outrageous discovery.

November 10th, 1944 was not only the date of this Naval disaster… it was also Hans-Rudolf Merz’s 2nd birthday!!!

Seems like Hansey wanted to celebrate the beginning of his second year with a bang.

Although it will be tough to prove, I’m almost certain that fart-face-Hans, at the age of 2, was the one who caused this catastrophe. Think about it. How do the Swiss celebrate birthdays? With fireworks. (do they?) And since the Merzinator has always been a spoiled brat, he wasn’t satisfied with sparklers and bottle rockets… he needed to blow up an entire boat full of potential future relatives of me!

It’s a low blow Rudork, but I must say… sitting here today, I realize that you got me. Even before I was born. And you’ll pay.

Oh, and I found out that he wrote an essay in 1987 titled Die aussergewöhnliche Führungspersönlichkeit

What does that mean?!? Whatever it is, it starts with the word “die.” I bet it’s his confession to the Mount Hood explosion, but since he wrote it in some Avatar-ish language, our government hasn’t been able to decipher it. Looks like I’ll be busy for the next year or two.

I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… I never will. 

*Vote Palin in 2012. Do it to be funny.