OLD WRITING SAMPLE
This is a short skit I just found that I wrote three years ago when Adam and I were going to write webisodes for a guy he met in his writing class. It was about three thirty-somethings who are trying to get their old band together. Rikki is the anal leader of the band, Matt is the married guy with kids whose garage they practice in, and Bob is an out of control character who dates teenagers and is on anti-depressants. The project is no longer going forward, and since I didn’t make up the characters I could possibly go to jail for posting this… but I’m a risk taker.
INT. MATT’S GARAGE
RIKKI
You know what? Bob’s behavior has improved a lot.
MATT
How do you mean?
RIKKI
Lately he seems more goal oriented and responsible, which has calmed him down a lot. I even asked him to go out the other night for a drink and he declined because he had to work and didn’t want to spend money.
MATT
Come to think of it, that is very non-Bob. Maybe his meds are stating to kick in… I hope not though, Bob’s awesome.
RIKKI
Or maybe his lady friend has got him by a short leash. Wha-peesh!
Rikki starts running at Matt pretending that he is cracking a whip by moving his arms and making the whip sound. Matt just stands there looking a little frightened.
MATT
What are you doing?
RIKKI
I’m gonna get you!
MATT
Weird Rikki, cut it out!
RIKKI
You and Bob play together all the time, why can’t I play?
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. MATT’S GARAGE
It is a previous rehearsal. Bob is sticking his fingers up on his head and pretending to be a bull. Matt is running away from Bob while screaming and laughing. Rikki is standing there with a jealous face.
BACK TO PRESENT
MATT
I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right. You’re trying too hard.
Bob enters with a base guitar case.
BOB
Greetings gents.
RIKKI
Whoa Bobby, did you buy a new base?
BOB
Better.
(Bob pulls out a bazooka from the guitar case)
It’s a fuckin zooka dude!
RIKKI
Oh my god!
MATT
Oh shit, he’s back! Bob’s back with a fuckin zooka!
BOB
Hell yeah man! Been saving up for this lovely lady for months. She’s prime.
RIKKI
How did you get that?!
BOB
I bought it from my weird neighbor that’s got all that war stuff. 4000 smack-a-roonies bay-bee!
MATT
You got rockets for it?
BOB
Got one. It’s prime.
MATT
That’s real prime, Bob! Great purchase!
Matt shakes hands with Bob.
BOB
Thanks man, thanks. Hey, I wanted to tell both of you guys that I’m sorry if I’ve been acting a little reserved lately. Been thinking about my zooka, you know?
MATT
Oh of course man, no worries!
RIKKI
Can I see it?
BOB
Um… yeah fine, but don’t fire it. I put the rocket in there this morning just in case shit went down on my way here.
Bob hands the bazooka to Rikki. As Matt and Bob talk, Rikki examines the war weapon.
MATT
So when are you planning on firing this thing off?
BOB
Not sure. Probably wait til the 4th of July or something. Maybe it can be the grand finale at your barbecue this year.
MATT
I’d be honored! And I’m sure the kids would love to be around a live bazooka!
BOB
What about your wife?
MATT
We’ll cross that raod when we get to it.
RIKKI
Um, Bob? I don’t want to interrupt, but this is made of plastic.
BOB
Yeah I know. Type of shit they used in Nam.
RIKKI
No Bob, this is a toy.
BOB
Nah-uh. Look inside, it’s got a rocket and everything.
Rikki examines the hole and pulls out a Nerf turbo football with a tail on it.
MATT
Oh damn man, that is a toy.
BOB
Give it to me.
Bob takes the bazooka and puts the Nerf football back inside.
BOB (CONT’D)
Watch this sukkahs!
Bob attempts to fire the bazooka. He can’t find a trigger at first, and when he does he presses it and nothing happens. He examines the bazooka.
BOB (CONT.)
Oh shit.
RIKKI
Bob, I think you should go back to your neighbors house and get your money back.
BOB
Aww man, no way! I don’t want to go back there, I hate that guy! He’s scary as hell! He kept trying to run his hands through my hair. And that’s after he licked me.
MATT
I don’t know Bob, that’s 4000 dollars. You might want to get that money back.
BOB
Maaaaaaan. Rikki, will you go for me?
RIKKI
No way.
BOB
Come on, don’t be a dick.
RIKKI
Are you serious? There’s no way I would go there. I know that guy; he eats dirt.
BOB
God, fine!
Bob walks out with his bazooka.
RIKKI
Does it bother you at all that Bob attempted to shoot off what he thought was a live bazooka in your garage?
MATT
Not really.
INT. MATT’S GARAGE – LATER
Bob comes back with his base guitar case.
BOB
Alright bitches, gather around!
RIKKI
Did you get your money back?
BOB
Better!
Bob pulls out the same bazooka.
RIKKI
Isn’t that the same one?
BOB
Yeah, but I was using it wrong. Look what it does!
Bob pulls the trigger and the Nerf ball shoots out very weakly and hits Rikki.
BOB (CONT’D)
See ya!
MATT
Oh, awesome!
BOB
Can I still use this at the barbecue?
MATT
Oh of course man, we’ll need a finale!
RIKKI
So you’re willing to pay 4000 dollars for this?
BOB
No man, for this!
Bob tries to be hard-core and shoot Rikki with the bazooka Nerf ball but it misses.
BOB (CONT’D)
Oh wait, Rikki don’t move!
Bob chases after the ball and begins to put it back in his bazooka.