D-Day has arrived. After a year and some change, America’s super couple has decided to call it quits. No one, including Speidi, is more upset than me. Just a few weeks ago I was praising them for their book and all it has done for my entertainment career. Now they are on a fast track to divorce. Since I always felt like one of their children, I initially acted like any kid going through their parents divorce would and blamed myself.
If my behavior wasn’t so out of control, mommy and daddy would still be together.
If I got better grades, mommy and daddy would still love each other.
If I cleaned my room like they had asked, daddy wouldn’t be psychotic and mommy wouldn’t look like a lion.
After this brief period of self-accusation, I started to focus on their relationship. The more I examined it, the more reasons I came up with as to why this couple has decided to split.
Spencer’s Flesh Colored Beard
It’s no secret that this beard is gross. Look closely. It looks like a blond fifth graders leg hair. Every once in a while he would shave it off, but somehow this blond catastrophe always found it’s way back to his face. It’s like a boomerang of ugliness.
The Time Period When Heidi’s Surgery Hadn’t Healed
Lately, the more I see Heidi, the better she seems to look. But for weeks after she got her surgery she looked odd. I don’t care how strong a marriage is… if your wife is walking around for weeks looking like Michael Jackson, it’s going to affect the passion you once felt for her.
Enzo
What originally was thought to be the adorable next door neighbor character quickly became Heidi’s new boy toy. Enzo seemed harmless: he liked Wii, hide and seek, and saying the darndest things. But it became obvious that Heidi had more than innocent feelings for this young Italian latchkey kid. For this kids birthday, she threw him a party with an elephant. Nothing says I want to take this relationship to the next level than getting an elephant to show up at someone’s birthday party. It’s like the new promise ring. Once that large mammal showed up to Enzo’s party, Spencer didn’t stand a chance.
Spencer Becoming a Crystal Addict
I don’t know what crystals are, but I want to stay as far away from them as I can. They turned Spencer into Gary Busey.
Hans-Rudolf Merz
If anyone in this world wants to cause me pain, it’s my nemesis, Hans-RuDORK Merz. Look at his guilty face. What did you do Hansey? Put blonde hair dye in Spencer’s beard comb? Send your veteran super spy Enzo in to play the strings of Heidi’s heart? I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… I never will.
I only have one hockey jersey in my wardrobe. I received it as a Christmas gift over ten years ago, and at the time I liked the way it looked. Over the years I’ve given away a lot of clothes, but somehow this hockey jersey has avoided the wrath of Goodwill. Now that the Blackhawks are in the finals, I deeply regret its survival…
In these tough economic times, I’m am trying to decrease the unemployment rate by hiring someone to be my assistant.
Job:
Assistant to a self employed writer that can only pay in giggles and checks post dated to the year 2014.
Duties:
laughing at everything I do (fake laughs must sound real)
bootlegging movies in the theatre that I’m interested in seeing but am too embarrassed to go to by myself (ex. Hairspray and You Got Served)
throwing me surprise parties, paid for by you, bimonthly (streamers and B-list celebrity guests a must (think Carrot Top))
writing hate mail to anyone I consider better than me (don’t worry, it’s a short list that only consists of Jared from Subway and ex So You Think You Can Dance contestants)
explaining to me what O.P.P. stands for
Requirements:
Must be shorter, fatter, and uglier than me to increase my self-esteem. Here’s my picture.
Must be a lottery winner that’s willing to spend your entire winnings on mega-trampolines and parachute pants.
I realize that I haven’t been blogging as much the last few weeks. I apologize. Lately I have been finishing up other writing projects, and in doing so I have neglected my favorite child, www.seanssabbatical.com. I feel like an absent father.
Because of my parental negligence, I am vowing that next week, from May 3rd to May 7th, it will be…
Seanssabbatical Mega Week!
This means that I will be updating the website daily! Everything you want in a website you will find here!
Want funny pictures of celebs?
I’ll have them!
Want to watch videos of dogs being hilarious?
I’ll have them!
Want political gossip?
“I hear Obama is part Avatar!“
I’ll have some!
Want humorous stories from my past?
Here I am in a classroom at an intense speech competition, and I might get kicked out because I can’t stop laughing at the white goobers on the corners of the speaker’s mouth.
I’ll have them!
For the entire week I will be devoting as much of my time and energy that I can to updating this website frequently. It’s going to be insane! So to all of you crazy seanssabbatical mega fans, clear your schedules and get ready for my biggest blogging week to date!
What do you call it when a child is sleeping at 2 p.m.?
A kid-napping!
It’s probably my best joke to date. It’s just too bad that the word ‘kidnapping’ is the punch line. Otherwise it could be printed on a Laffy Taffy wrapper, thus turning me into a published author. But I’m guessing Laffy Taffy and its Communist censors would frown upon using the word ‘kidnapping’ in a humorous manner.
Lately I’ve been trying to think of things that I could do that would get me into the Guinness Book of World Records. But I’ve had no success.
Earlier today, while I was still trying to think of a way to get Sean and Guinness into the same sentence without an embarrassing drunken public urination story to follow, I noticed that my refrigerator was making the same annoying sound that it has been making for weeks. It annoys me more and more each day, and I’m afraid one day my girlfriend will come home to this…
Then it hit me. I could make a world record for something that probably isn’t even a world record at this point. After getting past my nerves and practicing for minutes, I decided I would document me breaking the world record for…
Longest Time A Human Being Has Imitated His Noisy Refrigerator
Therefore I would be a Guinness World Record holder, and at the same time mock my fridge on the internet. It’s the ultimate insult any major appliance can receive, and maybe after this is posted the oven will inform him that his annoying noise making is being played all over the internet, which might finally shut him up.
My record attempt is below. You may need to listen hard to hear the noise my fridge makes.
3:00