Prince Harry’s Fire Crotch to Light the Unity Candle at Royal Wedding
In a surprising announcement, the British Monarchy has announced that Prince Harry will take a very non-traditional role in April’s Royal Wedding. Instead of acting as best man for brother William, the only use the ceremony will have for Harry are his fire pubes.
“We believe that the role of best man would be too stressful for Harry. So we felt that we would put his red pubes to good use and have them light the unity candle. It’s a very special part of the ceremony, and Prince Ginger-Kid is thrilled to be a part of it.”
An Editorial Where a Blogger with No Experience or Qualifications in the Field of Counseling Attempts to Solve your Martial Problems
Dear Seanssabbatical,
My husband and I are having problems. It seems like the flame that we once had in our marraige has extinguished. The passion is gone. We don’t even sleep in the same room anymore! Can you please help us recapture the sexual craving that we once had for each other?
I don’t know how many people have seen this, but last week my nemesis, Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz, couldn’t stop giggling while answering a parliamentary question about imports of cured meats. Here’s the video.
Hearing a swiss man giggle while talking about spiced meats is one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. I can’t even pretend to dislike him tonight.
I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… but I think I’m starting to like you…
I wrote this story for the other website and am waiting for them to publish it. Either way, I figured I would share it with you all. My brother came up with the idea for the article.
Montoya Gets Green Card Printed On His Car Before Race In Arizona
Colombian Nascar driver Juan Pablo Montoya was forced to place a large replica of his green card on his Target Chevrolet Impala before Sunday’s Nascar competition at Phoenix International Speedway. The Bogota native was obligated to take this drastic measure because of the strict immigration reform that was recently enforced in the state of Arizona.
The problem became apparent the day before, when Phoenix police officers pulled Montoya over five times during his two qualifying laps to check for proof of citizenship. This resulted in Pablo earning the final spot in Sunday’s lineup, and influenced the decision to print out a large replica of the driver’s green card and put it on his hood.
Although the green card prevented him from being pulled over during Sunday’s race, he was unable to break into the top thirty because two of his crew members (also Colombian) were placed in a holding cell just hours before the green flag was waived. The problem? They showed up to the track in a minivan. Phoenix’s police chief explained.
“We have been given the right to pull over and detain anyone that appears suspicious. Nothing is more suspicious than two Colombian’s in a minivan. Not just because of their race, but also because of their vehicle. You don’t see minivans at Nascar events. There’s trucks, tractors, trailers… any automobile you can think of that starts with a ‘t.’ So when a minivan pulled up with questionable looking gentlemen inside, we had to act first and ask questions later. It turned out they were legal, but we have a couple of our finest officers still following them just in case.”
Phoenix detectives also secretly listened in on the conversation going on between Juan Pablo and his crew chief Brian Pette during the race to see if they were discussing anything suspicious. They almost took action after hearing the two occasionally use the Spanish phrase “ay ay ay.”
“This reform prohibits bilingual speech. If we can’t understand you, we can’t guarantee that you’re supposed to be here. We almost took action there, but we decided to wait and see if any other red flags showed up.”
The “red flags” that he’s referring to are objects that the new law also prohibits in the state of Arizona. This includes items such as sombreros, chiuauas, and Menudo cassette tapes, none of which Montoya had in his car when it was repeatedly searched the day before.
Before you start casting stones at me, know that my blog means the world to me. I would step in front of oncoming traffic for it.* I would walk into a burning building if it was being displayed on a computer screen that was inside.* I would even propose to it if it were in female form.** It’s not like I’ve fallen out of love with my blog (I plan to name my first child www.seanssabbatical.com), I just found an opportunity to write for another website as well.
The website is www.jockism.com
It’s a sports satire website that I was approved to write for. So far I’ve written about John Starks being accidentally googled by a John Stamos fan, the CIA discovering that professional wrestling is real, a Golden Girl marathon getting higher ratings than the World Cup Final, and more.
Even though I will be contributing to this other website, I promise that I wont be neglecting seanssabbatical. It’s my first love, and I’m not popular enough to neglect it yet (for a comparison, if this were a movie about the rise of a rock star, this would be the beginning where I was still with my long time girlfriend, seanssabbatical. It’ll be years before I acquire a major drug problem and cheat on seanssabbatical with yahoo.com).
So if you need a bigger fix of my writing and aren’t satisfied with this website, log onto the other one and enjoy a little sports humor. But then immediately come back to this site and apologize to it for being unfaithful.
Joe Grokin, a twenty one year old college dropout, has trained his whole life to become a pushup champion. A month before Nationals, Joe loses both of his arms while trying to start the wave at a helicopter expose.
Seemingly having lost his ticket to becoming the pushup king, Joe decides to ignore medical advice and keep the dream alive by strengthening his tongue. After a month of rigorous training, his tongue becomes strong enough to replace his arms, and as the competition comes near, Joe’s moveable mouth organ becomes his only shot at at living his dreams.
I went to the park today. While I was sitting on a bench, two 8-year-old girls walked by me. I didn’t mean to be a man in his late twenties eavesdropping on the conversation of preteens, but I couldn’t help but take notice of what they were talking about.
Girl #1 – Hey, do you think you have Bieber fever?
Girl#2 – Yeah, I think so. Do you?
Girl #1 – Yeah, big time. I even have one of his shirts.
I lol’d when I heard this.
Ten minutes later I watched a bunch of ducks fly into a pond, and one of the ducks wiped out and smacked his face into the water. Although I can’t be positive, I’m pretty sure that one of the other ducks started laughing at him.
Today I went to the gym, and for a while I was all by myself. Since the uncomfortable silence at that place makes it feel more like a monastery than a recreation center, I decided to pump up the volume on a t.v. that was airing the Game Show Network, a television station designed for stay at home dads and drinking games.
The first game show that was playing was an extremely old episode of Family Feud. I know it was old because Richard Dawson was the host and all the women looked like Charlie’s Angels.
I love Family Feud, but I’ve never seen episodes from the 70’s… and let me tell you, I was shocked to see how Mr. Dawson would kiss all the female contestants on the lips. This must have been before the canker sore era, cause that man was kissing anything in sight.
I was really taken aback when one young woman, who was probably around seventeen, kissed him. It felt very inappropriate to watch a senior citizen violate a minor on national television, but it got even worse. After the kiss he said that the kiss wasn’t satisfactory, so she seductively responded with, “I can do it again.” Then he kissed her once more…while her dad was standing right next to her.
Ew.
I had no idea The Feud was a show for sexually promiscuous families. I felt like I wasn’t old enough to be watching such mature material. It made me very uncomfortable.
The next show that was on was Deal Or No Deal.
I used to watch this show at least once a week, and I never saw anyone even come close to winning. But today there was a woman who had five cases to go, and the $1,000,000 case was still in play. While deciding what to do, the woman trying to win the million went to her friends for advice.
This part always upsets me. Every time someone is doing well on the show, one of their friends, typically an angry looking overweight blonde female, is insistent that the contestant continue to play. But I know it’s not because they feel like it’s a smart strategic move… it’s because they are jealous and don’t want their more fortunate and better looking friend to succeed. So in this instance, when she was guaranteed over $250,000 with five more cases to open, the contestant asked her friends what she should do. The angry overweight friend told her that, “I hate it when contestants say deal. Say “no deal!”"
What the hell kind of advice is that? On television this is a game that we are all far removed from, so of course when we are watching it we want the person to take a risk. But this is her friend. This is real. She could potentially throw away over $200,000 dollars by continuing to play. It’s like telling my friend that because I like watching him run over innocent bystanders when he plays Grand Theft Auto, I think he should plow his car through a crowded street festival.
The girl took her “friend’s” advice, and before we could see if this was a smart move, Howie sent us to commercial. Since I was done with my intense military-style workout (12 push ups spaced out in four sets of three and 2 minutes on the elliptical machine), I had to make a decision: stay another 5 minutes just watching television at a public gym or go home. I went home.
I don’t know what happened with this contestant. Maybe she went home with the million… or maybe she went home with $7 because she took financial advice from a woman whose only job is to raise hell at P.T.A. meetings and local video stores. Whatever the outcome, this episode proves that if you have a mean friend that has never wished you well, you should never invite them to be a consultant on Deal Or No Deal.
