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By Sean Patrick
I wrote this story for the other website and am waiting for them to publish it. Either way, I figured I would share it with you all. My brother came up with the idea for the article.
Montoya Gets Green Card Printed On His Car Before Race In Arizona
Colombian Nascar driver Juan Pablo Montoya was forced to place a large replica of his green card on his Target Chevrolet Impala before Sunday’s Nascar competition at Phoenix International Speedway. The Bogota native was obligated to take this drastic measure because of the strict immigration reform that was recently enforced in the state of Arizona.
The problem became apparent the day before, when Phoenix police officers pulled Montoya over five times during his two qualifying laps to check for proof of citizenship. This resulted in Pablo earning the final spot in Sunday’s lineup, and influenced the decision to print out a large replica of the driver’s green card and put it on his hood.
Although the green card prevented him from being pulled over during Sunday’s race, he was unable to break into the top thirty because two of his crew members (also Colombian) were placed in a holding cell just hours before the green flag was waived. The problem? They showed up to the track in a minivan. Phoenix’s police chief explained.
“We have been given the right to pull over and detain anyone that appears suspicious. Nothing is more suspicious than two Colombian’s in a minivan. Not just because of their race, but also because of their vehicle. You don’t see minivans at Nascar events. There’s trucks, tractors, trailers… any automobile you can think of that starts with a ‘t.’ So when a minivan pulled up with questionable looking gentlemen inside, we had to act first and ask questions later. It turned out they were legal, but we have a couple of our finest officers still following them just in case.”
Phoenix detectives also secretly listened in on the conversation going on between Juan Pablo and his crew chief Brian Pette during the race to see if they were discussing anything suspicious. They almost took action after hearing the two occasionally use the Spanish phrase “ay ay ay.”
“This reform prohibits bilingual speech. If we can’t understand you, we can’t guarantee that you’re supposed to be here. We almost took action there, but we decided to wait and see if any other red flags showed up.”
The “red flags” that he’s referring to are objects that the new law also prohibits in the state of Arizona. This includes items such as sombreros, chiuauas, and Menudo cassette tapes, none of which Montoya had in his car when it was repeatedly searched the day before.
By Sean Patrick
I have a blog mistress.
Before you start casting stones at me, know that my blog means the world to me. I would step in front of oncoming traffic for it.* I would walk into a burning building if it was being displayed on a computer screen that was inside.* I would even propose to it if it were in female form.** It’s not like I’ve fallen out of love with my blog (I plan to name my first child www.seanssabbatical.com), I just found an opportunity to write for another website as well.
The website is www.jockism.com
It’s a sports satire website that I was approved to write for. So far I’ve written about John Starks being accidentally googled by a John Stamos fan, the CIA discovering that professional wrestling is real, a Golden Girl marathon getting higher ratings than the World Cup Final, and more.
Even though I will be contributing to this other website, I promise that I wont be neglecting seanssabbatical. It’s my first love, and I’m not popular enough to neglect it yet (for a comparison, if this were a movie about the rise of a rock star, this would be the beginning where I was still with my long time girlfriend, seanssabbatical. It’ll be years before I acquire a major drug problem and cheat on seanssabbatical with yahoo.com).
So if you need a bigger fix of my writing and aren’t satisfied with this website, log onto the other one and enjoy a little sports humor. But then immediately come back to this site and apologize to it for being unfaithful.
* no I wouldn’t
** I would and have
By Sean Patrick
Joe Grokin, a twenty one year old college dropout, has trained his whole life to become a pushup champion. A month before Nationals, Joe loses both of his arms while trying to start the wave at a helicopter expose.
Seemingly having lost his ticket to becoming the pushup king, Joe decides to ignore medical advice and keep the dream alive by strengthening his tongue. After a month of rigorous training, his tongue becomes strong enough to replace his arms, and as the competition comes near, Joe’s moveable mouth organ becomes his only shot at at living his dreams.
Tagline: AmpuDreams Can Come True!
By Sean Patrick
I went to the park today. While I was sitting on a bench, two 8-year-old girls walked by me. I didn’t mean to be a man in his late twenties eavesdropping on the conversation of preteens, but I couldn’t help but take notice of what they were talking about.
Girl #1 – Hey, do you think you have Bieber fever?
Girl#2 – Yeah, I think so. Do you?
Girl #1 – Yeah, big time. I even have one of his shirts.
I lol’d when I heard this.
Ten minutes later I watched a bunch of ducks fly into a pond, and one of the ducks wiped out and smacked his face into the water. Although I can’t be positive, I’m pretty sure that one of the other ducks started laughing at him.
By Sean Patrick
Today I went to the gym, and for a while I was all by myself. Since the uncomfortable silence at that place makes it feel more like a monastery than a recreation center, I decided to pump up the volume on a t.v. that was airing the Game Show Network, a television station designed for stay at home dads and drinking games.
The first game show that was playing was an extremely old episode of Family Feud. I know it was old because Richard Dawson was the host and all the women looked like Charlie’s Angels.
I love Family Feud, but I’ve never seen episodes from the 70’s… and let me tell you, I was shocked to see how Mr. Dawson would kiss all the female contestants on the lips. This must have been before the canker sore era, cause that man was kissing anything in sight.
I was really taken aback when one young woman, who was probably around seventeen, kissed him. It felt very inappropriate to watch a senior citizen violate a minor on national television, but it got even worse. After the kiss he said that the kiss wasn’t satisfactory, so she seductively responded with, “I can do it again.” Then he kissed her once more…while her dad was standing right next to her.
Ew.
I had no idea The Feud was a show for sexually promiscuous families. I felt like I wasn’t old enough to be watching such mature material. It made me very uncomfortable.
The next show that was on was Deal Or No Deal.
I used to watch this show at least once a week, and I never saw anyone even come close to winning. But today there was a woman who had five cases to go, and the $1,000,000 case was still in play. While deciding what to do, the woman trying to win the million went to her friends for advice.
This part always upsets me. Every time someone is doing well on the show, one of their friends, typically an angry looking overweight blonde female, is insistent that the contestant continue to play. But I know it’s not because they feel like it’s a smart strategic move… it’s because they are jealous and don’t want their more fortunate and better looking friend to succeed. So in this instance, when she was guaranteed over $250,000 with five more cases to open, the contestant asked her friends what she should do. The angry overweight friend told her that, “I hate it when contestants say deal. Say “no deal!”"
What the hell kind of advice is that? On television this is a game that we are all far removed from, so of course when we are watching it we want the person to take a risk. But this is her friend. This is real. She could potentially throw away over $200,000 dollars by continuing to play. It’s like telling my friend that because I like watching him run over innocent bystanders when he plays Grand Theft Auto, I think he should plow his car through a crowded street festival.
The girl took her “friend’s” advice, and before we could see if this was a smart move, Howie sent us to commercial. Since I was done with my intense military-style workout (12 push ups spaced out in four sets of three and 2 minutes on the elliptical machine), I had to make a decision: stay another 5 minutes just watching television at a public gym or go home. I went home.
I don’t know what happened with this contestant. Maybe she went home with the million… or maybe she went home with $7 because she took financial advice from a woman whose only job is to raise hell at P.T.A. meetings and local video stores. Whatever the outcome, this episode proves that if you have a mean friend that has never wished you well, you should never invite them to be a consultant on Deal Or No Deal.
By Sean Patrick
Because I know how to do this…
NBA players complain more than Kate Gosselin.
By Sean Patrick
D-Day has arrived. After a year and some change, America’s super couple has decided to call it quits. No one, including Speidi, is more upset than me. Just a few weeks ago I was praising them for their book and all it has done for my entertainment career. Now they are on a fast track to divorce. Since I always felt like one of their children, I initially acted like any kid going through their parents divorce would and blamed myself.
If my behavior wasn’t so out of control, mommy and daddy would still be together.
If I got better grades, mommy and daddy would still love each other.
If I cleaned my room like they had asked, daddy wouldn’t be psychotic and mommy wouldn’t look like a lion.
After this brief period of self-accusation, I started to focus on their relationship. The more I examined it, the more reasons I came up with as to why this couple has decided to split.
Spencer’s Flesh Colored Beard
It’s no secret that this beard is gross. Look closely. It looks like a blond fifth graders leg hair. Every once in a while he would shave it off, but somehow this blond catastrophe always found it’s way back to his face. It’s like a boomerang of ugliness.
The Time Period When Heidi’s Surgery Hadn’t Healed
Lately, the more I see Heidi, the better she seems to look. But for weeks after she got her surgery she looked odd. I don’t care how strong a marriage is… if your wife is walking around for weeks looking like Michael Jackson, it’s going to affect the passion you once felt for her.
Enzo
What originally was thought to be the adorable next door neighbor character quickly became Heidi’s new boy toy. Enzo seemed harmless: he liked Wii, hide and seek, and saying the darndest things. But it became obvious that Heidi had more than innocent feelings for this young Italian latchkey kid. For this kids birthday, she threw him a party with an elephant. Nothing says I want to take this relationship to the next level than getting an elephant to show up at someone’s birthday party. It’s like the new promise ring. Once that large mammal showed up to Enzo’s party, Spencer didn’t stand a chance.
Spencer Becoming a Crystal Addict
I don’t know what crystals are, but I want to stay as far away from them as I can. They turned Spencer into Gary Busey.
Hans-Rudolf Merz
If anyone in this world wants to cause me pain, it’s my nemesis, Hans-RuDORK Merz. Look at his guilty face. What did you do Hansey? Put blonde hair dye in Spencer’s beard comb? Send your veteran super spy Enzo in to play the strings of Heidi’s heart? I don’t trust you Hans-Rudolf Merz… I never will.
By Sean Patrick
I only have one hockey jersey in my wardrobe. I received it as a Christmas gift over ten years ago, and at the time I liked the way it looked. Over the years I’ve given away a lot of clothes, but somehow this hockey jersey has avoided the wrath of Goodwill. Now that the Blackhawks are in the finals, I deeply regret its survival…
GO HAWKS!!!
By Sean Patrick
In these tough economic times, I’m am trying to decrease the unemployment rate by hiring someone to be my assistant.
Job:
Assistant to a self employed writer that can only pay in giggles and checks post dated to the year 2014.
Duties:
laughing at everything I do (fake laughs must sound real)
bootlegging movies in the theatre that I’m interested in seeing but am too embarrassed to go to by myself (ex. Hairspray and You Got Served)
throwing me surprise parties, paid for by you, bimonthly (streamers and B-list celebrity guests a must (think Carrot Top))
writing hate mail to anyone I consider better than me (don’t worry, it’s a short list that only consists of Jared from Subway and ex So You Think You Can Dance contestants)
explaining to me what O.P.P. stands for
Requirements:
Must be shorter, fatter, and uglier than me to increase my self-esteem. Here’s my picture.
Must be a lottery winner that’s willing to spend your entire winnings on mega-trampolines and parachute pants.
Must be bi-lingual (English and Canadian)
Must distrust Hans-Rudolf Merz
