Over a week after Canadians rioted in the streets of downtown Vancouver, authorities have gathered information suggesting that the cause of the mutiny may not have been what they originally thought.
After the Vancouver Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, mayhem broke out all over the city of Vancouver. Angry mobs started fires and turned over cars, quickly transforming beautiful downtown Vancouver into Detroit. While the timing made it appear obvious that the anger was caused by hockey, Vancouver resident George Kessler offered up a different explanation.
“We were all pissed because the A-Channel stopped playing Degrassi Jr. High reruns, ey.”
On the day of Game 7 the population of Vancouver discovered that Degrassi Jr. High, a Canadian teen television drama from the 80s whose reruns had been in syndication for over two decades, was being taken off the air. This news spread throughout the city quickly after 4 pm when the show, which had occupied that time slot for the past 26 years, didn’t air. Cable companies were flooded with phone calls from people demanding to know what had happened to Degrassi.
“It’s the worst day of work I’ve ever had,” said Diana Phyllis, a customer assistance specialist at Red Leaf Cable. “Every call I got people were screaming and crying. One guy even shot himself over the phone. The worst part is that I knew about the cancellation weeks before it happened, but I wasn’t allowed to say anything. The information was considered Level 9 Red Leaf Classified. The day I found out my daughter told me what she wanted for her 10th birthday. She said she wanted me to get off work early so she could watch Degrassi Jr. High with her mother. I almost died right there. But I had to lie to my daughter and promise her we would do that. When she found out the horrific news and knew that I had known about it for weeks she called me a Nazi and ran away. I haven’t seen her since… today’s her birthday…”
After news of the cancellation was confirmed, outraged citizens stormed the streets and started to destroy everything in sight.
“Degrassi Jr. High is everything to us,” exclaimed rioter Frank Jericho, who was attempting to set a cop car on fire. “When my wife walked down the aisle, the Degrassi Jr. High theme song was playing! I named my daughter Spike! Shane even inspired my brother to go into rehab! They can’t do this to us!”
Our American reporter was unable to understand any of these references.
BREAKING NEWS:
At a press conference held this morning at Rogers Arena, Vancouver Canucks Head Coach Alain Vigneault informed the media that the cancellation of the show contributed to Vancouver’s Game 7 collapse.
“I was told about the cancellation right before we hit the ice. As a motivation tactic, I informed the fellas about it. I thought it would inspire them, kind of like one of those ‘do it for the Gipper’ speeches. But it backfired. The guys just got real depressed, real sad ey. They went out and played with no energy.”
Roberto Luongo, the Canuck’s All-Star goalie, blamed his poor goaltending on the cancellation.
“It’s tough to goal tend with tears in your eyes.”
When a reporter asked Luongo about his thoughts about Degrassi: The Next Generation, the present day remake of Degrassi Jr. High, the goaltender stayed silent for a few moments. Then with tears in his eyes he replied, “Go fuck yourself.”
Gizmo, the beloved gerbil of Hollywood’s kinkiest front man Richard Gere, died early this morning after a 16-year battle with e. coli.
1986-2011
Born with a beautiful white coat of fur, Gizmo was raised by his father Carl and mother Princess. Carl, a professional wheel runner, and Princess, a seed eater, died tragically when Gizmo was a teenager after a ball they were running around in was pushed down the stairs by Gere’s asshole son Germaine.
After his parents were suddenly taken from him, Gizmo decided to lead a life of adventure. Known as a tremendous story teller, he loved giving the account of his exploratory trip into the land of RG’sanus. While it is the dilapidated conditions in RG’sanus that caused the brave gerbil to contract the deadly e. coli bacteria virus, he always referred to it as “the adventure of a lifetime.” Upon his return from RG’sanus, Gizmo’s coat was transformed from beautiful fluffy white to putrid sticky brown. It is this fur that he repeatedly tried to clean with his tongue that lead to his demise.
Gizmo is survived by the countless friends he met during his travels in RG’sanus, of whom he lovingly referred to as “Peanut Shits.”
Patrons at Bardot, a popular downtown Los Angeles nightclub, were shocked to see Hollywood-big-shot Keanu Reeves and sitcom-Jesus Joey Lawrence throwing punches at each other late Friday night.
Police arrived on the scene after the fight had been broken up by security, but the damage had already been done. Keanu Reeves needed stitches on his lip and Joey Lawrence resembled Blossom.
Apparently what caused the scuffle between the two was an argument they were engaged in over which one of them says ‘whoa’ better. Both actors are known for saying ‘whoa,’ but in entirely different styles. Once they starting arguing over whose style was superior, fists soon began to fly. A bar patron described the scene to us.
“I looked over and saw them fighting. It was crazy. The first thing I said was, ‘Whoa!’ I wasn’t trying to be funny, but it made the guy next to me laugh. Then he said ‘whoa.’ Pretty soon the entire bar was saying ’whoa’ and laughing.”
Most of the spectators chose to say ‘whoa’ in the Joey Lawrence type style, which infuriated Reeves.
“I’d say about 70% of the crowd was mimicking J-Law’s ‘whoa,’ which pissed Keanu off. There were some people saying ‘whoa’ like Keanu did in Bill and Ted’s, but his ‘whoa’ is a lot quieter and got drained out. So Joey was able to feed off the crowd more. You could tell it made a difference.”
Most of the patrons who witnessed the fight agreed that Lawrence faired better than Reeves, which both surprised and disappointed a lot of the Matrix enthusiasts at the bar.
“Neo was not on his game,” said Frank Kauffman. “He obviously needs to spend some time in the sparring program with Morpheus. Or maybe Joey Lawrence is just more experienced in his training. I doubt it though. Neo’s The One.”
After Reeves and Lawrence were removed from the scene, numerous heated arguments about the better delivery of ‘whoa’ had to be broken up outside of the club.
Time Magazine Names Sadaam Hussein the Sexiest Tyrant of All-Time
Time Magazine, the periodic publication known for gross-out humor and not being afraid to go there, has named Sadaam Hussein the sexiest tyrant of all-time. The former dictator, who was executed in 2006, was known for being ruthless, evil, and terrifyingly gorgeous.
“He’s a babe. No doubt,” said Time’s Managing Editor Richard Stengel. “The issues we’ve publishedwhere his face was on the cover are our best selling of all time, and it’s not because of our articles. Women go gaga over this guy. The ladies want him, and the men want to be him. He’s the Justin Bieber of authoritarians.”
The proof is in the pudding. Historically, the mustaches tyrants wear quickly go out of style. Hitler’s tiny mustache hasn’t been worn since the Anne Frank era. But the Sadaam stache? It’s still very much alive. Tom Selleck even has one.
And in 2003 he even managed to make a shaggy beard and body lice a fashion must, a trend that is still sported today by Hollywood’s biggest names.
Other tyrants have also been categorized in this months Time Magazine. The Philippines Ferdinand Marcos was crowned The Worlds Silliest Tyrant, Romania’s Nikolae Ceausescu was labeled Tyrant that Most Resembles A Penis, and North Korea’s Kim Jong Il was named Tyrant Most Likely to be a Closet Lesbian.
Autopsy Reveals that Gary Coleman Died From a Brain Hemorrhage Caused By Never Knowing what People were Talking About
On May 28, 2010, the world lost the second greatest African-American sitcom actor from the 80s who stood below 5 feet tall.
(1st)
Gary Coleman, the star of Different Strokes, passed away after being put on life support for over 24 hours at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. Although the cause of death was originally reported as an epidural hematoma, further investigation has discovered that the actor died from a brain hemorrhage. The cause for this brain hemorrhage, revealed by Dr. George Fiston of the Utah Center for Autopsy, is as shocking as it is hilarious.
“We believe that after decades of struggling to figure out what people were talking about, too much stress was put on the brain, causing the hemorrhage that took his life.”
It turns out that his catch phrase “what you talking about” was actually not a catch phrase at all, but rather a serious inquiry into the meaning of the conversation being had by those around him.
“We never wrote the line ‘what you talking about’ into a script of Different Strokes,” says Budd Grossman, executive producer of the show. “We heard him say it once between takes and he said it in such a funny way that we decided to put it into the show. But he hated it and refused to read it off of a script. So after a while we were forced to intentionally confuse him so he would blurt it out. That’s why we had that episode where Dudley gets molested. Gary had no idea what being molested was… nobody did in the early 80s. We got about 12 ‘what you talking about’s’ out of him. It really lightened the mood of that episode. It even made being molested kind of funny.”
But the confusion didn’t stop there. Todd Bridges revealed that many times on set they were forced to speak Mandarin in order to make the child star belt out his famous line.
“It was kind of fun. During the break between season 4 and 5, the entire cast except for Gary took a class where we learned to speak Mandarin. The next season we would do all of our lines in the Chinese language and the editors would cut in our lines later. Gary didn’t know what the heck was going on! Of course me and the actress who played Kimberly were both on blow, so we didn’t really know either. But it was fun. God I miss the fucking 80s!”
By experiencing so much confusion, Gary’s brain was damaged beyond repair once the curtains were closed on Different Strokes. So much of his intelligence was lost that he began naturally struggling with figuring out what people were talking about, no matter how simple the subject matter was.
“It wasn’t an act,” says ex-wife Shannon Price. “He didn’t know what was going on. I would say something, he would say ‘what you talking about Shannon?,’ I would laugh, and he would storm off. It’s what led to our divorce.”
Prince Harry’s Fire Crotch to Light the Unity Candle at Royal Wedding
In a surprising announcement, the British Monarchy has announced that Prince Harry will take a very non-traditional role in April’s Royal Wedding. Instead of acting as best man for brother William, the only use the ceremony will have for Harry are his fire pubes.
“We believe that the role of best man would be too stressful for Harry. So we felt that we would put his red pubes to good use and have them light the unity candle. It’s a very special part of the ceremony, and Prince Ginger-Kid is thrilled to be a part of it.”
Everyday, millions of people use the word ‘ignorant’ to describe friends and strangers alike. But a recent report shows that the people who use this adjective most often are actually using it incorrectly.
Rebecca Kimble, a lifetime resident of the Chicagoland area, is a living example of this phenomenon.
Last Tuesday, after seeing a homeless stranger taking a nap on the bus she was riding on, Rebecca scowled and said, “that guy is soooo ignorant.” Although the man was sleepy, homeless, unbathed, and hairy, there was no indication that he was ignorant. Rebecca continued to spout the insult, calling the bus driver ‘ignorant’ for driving too slow, the mail lady ‘ignorant’ for having thick ankles, and her boyfriend ‘ignorant’ for surprising her with a wedding proposal.
“She obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the word,” said a coworker who wished to remain anonymous. “I made a joke the other day and she called me ignorant. That would maybe work if my joke was tasteless, but it was a knock-knock joke. And she laughed at it. Really hard. At first I thought she maybe got the word ‘ignorant’ confused with the word ‘hilarious,’ but after hearing her refer to the untimely death of a coworkers spouse as ‘ignorant,’ I have no idea what she thinks ‘ignorant’ means.”
Ironically, when Rebecca is calling everyone ‘ignorant,’ she is in fact being ignorant herself. ‘Ignorant,’ which is defined in Websters as “lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified,” is what Rebecca is being when she misuses the word, since she is lacking the knowledge of the meaning of the word ‘ignorant.’ When she was approached with this information, she called our reporter “ignorant” and stormed out of the room.
(1st)
