Assistant for Hire

By Sean Patrick

In these tough economic times, I’m am trying to decrease the unemployment rate by hiring someone to be my assistant. 

Job:

Assistant to a self employed writer that can only pay in giggles and checks post dated to the year 2014.

Duties:

laughing at everything I do (fake laughs must sound real)

bootlegging movies in the theatre that I’m interested in seeing but am too embarrassed to go to by myself (ex. Hairspray and You Got Served) 

throwing me surprise parties, paid for by you, bimonthly (streamers and B-list celebrity guests a must (think Carrot Top))

writing hate mail to anyone I consider better than me (don’t worry, it’s a short list that only consists of Jared from Subway and ex So You Think You Can Dance contestants)

explaining to me what O.P.P. stands for

Requirements:

Must be shorter, fatter, and uglier than me to increase my self-esteem. Here’s my picture.

Must be a lottery winner that’s willing to spend your entire winnings on mega-trampolines and parachute pants.

Must be bi-lingual (English and Canadian)

Must distrust Hans-Rudolf Merz