And we’re baaaaaaaack!

By Sean Patrick

I just got back Saturday night from a week long trip with my gff Jackie to Canada. We camped all week around the Toronto area, and visited such landmarks as Niagara Falls, Canada’s wine country, and whatever unoccupied baseball field that the Blue Jays play at. After this memorable getaway to our friendly neighbor to the north, I wanted to share some things that happened to us, as well as some differences I noticed about our red flag-ed step child. 

My first experience on Canadian soil was when we stopped to get gas. I walked into the bathroom of the gas station, and what do I find written above the stall? “9/11 was an inside job!” Looks like Charlie Sheen has been tagging bathroom walls up north. (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2632130/Charlie-Sheens-911-rant-rocks-US.html) 

Canadians say “a-boot.” They will deny it up and down, but they do. Our first day there, we stopped at a convenience store, and since they didn’t have beer we asked where we could buy a twelve pack. The answer? “A-boot 15 minutes south.” I almost peed my pants. It was like finding out that Santa Claus is real. A couple days later in Toronto, we met a guy who had recently visited Chicago. He mocked the Chicago accent, which is when we mocked the fact that Canadians say a-boot. “I have never heard anyone say a-boot, and I’ve lived here my whole life,” he replied. An hour later this same gentlemen says, “We went to a bar in Wrigleyville at a-boot noon and it was packed.” That time I actually did pee my pants a little. 

Winning the Canadian Football League championship is about as significant as receiving a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award. 

We had no idea what the drinking age was in Canada, but our entire time there we had never been carded when buying liquor. At the Blue Jays game, Jackie went up to a beer vendor, who was surrounded by signs and wearing buttons that said, “We ID under 30!” After she wasn’t carded she asked, “What’s the legal drinking age in Canada?” His response: “I don’t know.”

Because of their bromance with the metric system, Canadian gas is distributed in liters, not gallons. So when you roll up to a gas station and see “.92,” don’t get excited… it converts to over $4 per gallon. It’s sneaky… it’s deceitful… it’s Canadian. 

The first camp site we were at was douched with stray cats. By Tuesday, we were one of the only couples left in at the huge provincial park, and since we cooked food every night, we attracted wildlife and ended up being surrounded by thousands of stray cats.* I felt like a creepy middle aged woman.

We saw George Clooney. We joked about seeing him the whole trip, and since he had a red carpet premire in downtown Toronto we were actually able to catch a glimpse of the gray haired heartthrob. To be honest, he’s really not as cute in person. He’s cuter. 

At the first movie we saw,  a middle aged lady fell down the stairs during the ending credits. It would have been funny, but she fell so hard she started bleeding from her head, making it more hilarious than funny. Unfortunately because it happened in Canada, she will have to wait six months for their health care system to provide her with a band-aid.**

Canada hides their black people.

Beer is expensive. It was $18 for a twelve pack of cans. I’m used to the price of Old Style cans, which you can get a twelve pack for simply taking a urine test. But the best part about the beer we bought is that the color and design of the can makes it look like a Canadian Dr. Pepper, which made my little brother almost open one up twice.

Fun fact: 80% of the Germans living during the 40’s didn’t know that Hitler was persecuting the Jews, which is why they continued to support him. I know this because an old Canadian-German lady sitting next to us at a theatre told us within the first few minutes of our conversation. I usually wait at least a couple days after meeting someone before I discuss Hitler, but she dove right in before the water was even warm. Canadian small talk doesn’t fuck around. But I guess you have to respect people who say whatever it is that’s on their mind. 

Both one and two dollar currency in Canada is in coin form. A one dollar coin is called a looney and a two dollar coin is called a twonie. So if you get three dollars in change, you get two coins instead of the three bills you would get here. Because we are American and are used to coins being of lesser value and somewhat of a nusience, we would give these coins away to homeless people not thinking of their worth. I think we unknowingly gave one homeless guy around $9. He seemed as joyous as a successful business woman.Overall it was a great trip, and I truly enjoy  and respect our northern neighbor, no matter how goofy their numeric system may be. In fact, we plan on going back in a-boot two years.

*When I say thousands, I’m using the metric system. It actually converts to four. 

** This statistic courtesy of the Fox News Network.