A List of My Phobias

By Sean Patrick

Handgendobia – Fear that the size of my hands means that I was born female. 

Everybodobia – Fear that another network will start airing Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.

Garaphobia – Fear that one day I’ll end up living in Gary, Indiana.

Onearmpullobia – Fear that me holding the record for most one arm pull ups in a row was just a dream. If not, the new record is 0.03.

Snookobia – Fear that because MTV was on during childbirth, I will name my first daughter Snooki.

Pintankobia – Fear that the pink glittered tank top I bought for myself at The Gap isn’t as stylish as the giggling saleswoman promised it was.

Toolchrisobia – Fear that any of the guys on VH1’s Tool Academy are actually the second coming of Jesus.

Kerrigaphonbia – Fear that I will have to make an emergency phone call but the only phone available for miles is being used by Nancy Kerrigan’s brother. He takes his phone time very seriously.

Cameltoboss’kidobia – Fear that immediately after I’m hired by a Fortune 500 company, I will be invited to accompany my boss and his kid to the zoo as a “get to know your character” activity, and will laugh out loud when his kid tells me to “look at that camel’s toe!”

Volkswagenazibia – Fear that because I drive a German car, I’m somewhat responsible for the Holocaust.

Arachnophobiaphobia – Fear of ever having to watch Arachnophobia again.