Occasionally before the opening credits of a movie, a quote will appear on the screen that is supposed to relate to the film’s story line. For example, before any action takes place in Kill Bill Vol. 1, this quote appears on the screen:
“Revenge is a dish best served cold.” – Old Klingon Proverb
Below are some quotes that I would have chosen to appear before the start of some of the most celebrated movies in cinematic history.
Look Who’s Talking
“The most merciful thing that a family does to one of its infant members is to kill it.” – Margaret Sanger
Doubt
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal
Mask
“It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.” – Oscar Wilde
Downfall
“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.” – Dave Barry
Selena
“No matter how good she looks – no matter how sweet she talks – somebody, somewhere is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.” – Anonymous
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and and become lesbians.” – Pat Robertson
Look Who’s Talking Now!
“A man can have sex with animals such as sheeps, cows, camels and so on. However, he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm.” – Ayatollah Khomeini
It’s been a long, long time since I last posted a blog. So long in fact that it took me a day of sorting through old emails just to figure out my username and password to log onto the site. I’m ashamed. I’ve been as absent as Patrick Swayze’s pancreas donor. It won’t happen again.
As many of you may know, a big reason for my neglectfulness of seanssabbatical is that I moved to Brooklyn. After spending over two blissful years in Roselle, Il, we packed up our things and moved to the land that Forbes Magazine labeled “The Exact Opposite of Roselle, Illinois.” The planning, the apartment hunt, the job search… all of these things made it difficult to keep up with blogging. But those days are behind me. Mama’s home.
I have been asked by many people about what it is like in New York City. While I think there are many similarities to the city of Chicago, here are a few things that I’ve noticed during my first three weeks in the Gigantic Apple.
More Things Smell Like Pee
Don’t get me wrong… there were many times that I was downtown Chicago and got a whiff of some prime homeless man’s urine. But apparently the homeless here have bladder infections, because the pee smell is everywhere you go. New York is like being in a living room the morning after a third grade slumber party, but without a stained sleeping bag it’s harder to figure out who peed.
Accents Aren’t Always Sexy
Thick New York accents are funny, but they’re not sexy. I’ll giggle when I hear a New York accent because they’re so foreign to me… but the other day I heard a woman scream, “Come ahhhhhnn, get a fagggin hit Jeeetah!” during a Yankees game and it almost turned me gay.
The Term “Go Fuck Yourself” Gets Thrown Around More Frequently
I’ve heard this used multiple times from people around me who are describing past conversations they’ve had, and sometimes they use it very haphazardly.
For example, today I walked by two girls and overheard one say, “then he tells me that I don’t look Romanian, so I told him ‘go fuck yourself!’” That confused me. Granted, I only caught a portion of their conversation, but is that really an appropriate ‘go fuck yourself’ moment? Maybe I don’t know much about Romanians, but I’ve never heard that they are extraordinarily good looking or notoriously hideous. If someone told me that I didn’t look Romanian, I’d respond, “oh… who does?” I guess I just don’t know what Romanians look like.
“No matter how good she looks – no matter how sweet she talks – somebody, somewhere is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.” – Anonymous
“A man can have sex with animals such as sheeps, cows, camels and so on. However, he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm.” – Ayatollah Khomeini 
Romanian?