By Sean Patrick
Seanssabbatical Breaking News!!!
Over a week after Canadians rioted in the streets of downtown Vancouver, authorities have gathered information suggesting that the cause of the mutiny may not have been what they originally thought.
After the Vancouver Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins, mayhem broke out all over the city of Vancouver. Angry mobs started fires and turned over cars, quickly transforming beautiful downtown Vancouver into Detroit. While the timing made it appear obvious that the anger was caused by hockey, Vancouver resident George Kessler offered up a different explanation.
“We were all pissed because the A-Channel stopped playing Degrassi Jr. High reruns, ey.”
On the day of Game 7 the population of Vancouver discovered that Degrassi Jr. High, a Canadian teen television drama from the 80s whose reruns had been in syndication for over two decades, was being taken off the air. This news spread throughout the city quickly after 4 pm when the show, which had occupied that time slot for the past 26 years, didn’t air. Cable companies were flooded with phone calls from people demanding to know what had happened to Degrassi.
“It’s the worst day of work I’ve ever had,” said Diana Phyllis, a customer assistance specialist at Red Leaf Cable. “Every call I got people were screaming and crying. One guy even shot himself over the phone. The worst part is that I knew about the cancellation weeks before it happened, but I wasn’t allowed to say anything. The information was considered Level 9 Red Leaf Classified. The day I found out my daughter told me what she wanted for her 10th birthday. She said she wanted me to get off work early so she could watch Degrassi Jr. High with her mother. I almost died right there. But I had to lie to my daughter and promise her we would do that. When she found out the horrific news and knew that I had known about it for weeks she called me a Nazi and ran away. I haven’t seen her since… today’s her birthday…”
After news of the cancellation was confirmed, outraged citizens stormed the streets and started to destroy everything in sight.
“Degrassi Jr. High is everything to us,” exclaimed rioter Frank Jericho, who was attempting to set a cop car on fire. “When my wife walked down the aisle, the Degrassi Jr. High theme song was playing! I named my daughter Spike! Shane even inspired my brother to go into rehab! They can’t do this to us!”
Our American reporter was unable to understand any of these references.
BREAKING NEWS:
At a press conference held this morning at Rogers Arena, Vancouver Canucks Head Coach Alain Vigneault informed the media that the cancellation of the show contributed to Vancouver’s Game 7 collapse.
“I was told about the cancellation right before we hit the ice. As a motivation tactic, I informed the fellas about it. I thought it would inspire them, kind of like one of those ‘do it for the Gipper’ speeches. But it backfired. The guys just got real depressed, real sad ey. They went out and played with no energy.”
Roberto Luongo, the Canuck’s All-Star goalie, blamed his poor goaltending on the cancellation.
“It’s tough to goal tend with tears in your eyes.”
When a reporter asked Luongo about his thoughts about Degrassi: The Next Generation, the present day remake of Degrassi Jr. High, the goaltender stayed silent for a few moments. Then with tears in his eyes he replied, “Go fuck yourself.”
By Sean Patrick
The Article Reply. A way for every semi-literate web fanatic to express their opinions on any news story that gets posted on the internet.
Unlike the newspaper where it takes a reasonable response and approval by an editor to get your comment published, replying to a story on the internet is as easy as typing a confusingly racist comment and clicking ’Post.’ When I read articles on Yahoo or CNN, I typically get through about 1/4th of the article and then go straight to the comment section. It’s probably why I really only know 1/4th of whats going on in America. But I just can’t wait. The comments are easily the most entertaining part of the piece. And I’ve noticed that there are always three comment-types per article, regardless of what the content of the story is. Here is an example of the type of comments you will see on every online article you encounter.
Two Popular Chimpanzees Kiss!
By CBS Chicago
Jobin and Tina, two chimpanzees who have been attractions at the Brookfield Zo for over a decade, were the recipients of a huge round of applause from onlookers last week when they were spotted kissing each other.
Jobin, a 15-year-old male, and Tina, a 13-year-old female, are long-time friends dating back to 2007. However, this is the first time they have been spotted kissing each other.
“It came out of the blue!” said trainer Phyllis Schamp. “I’ve been around them for years and they’ve always been playful, but not this playful!”
Jobin and Tina kissed three times in front of the excited crowd, each time getting a louder applause than the last. Since then they have also been seen holding hands and hugging, all to the delight of their trainers and fans. – AP
3 Comments
SeriousDanger5 – Wow, Yahoo! Way to spell! Brookfield Zo? Don’t you mean Zoo? My god, what is wrong with you? It’s called SpellCheck! You and your editors should all be fired. 6/7/11 12:39 pm EST
I love the person who gets extremely worked up over a spelling error. He’s so mad that he’ll take the time to create a username and password in order to tell whoever wrote the article how dumb they are. By putting so much effort into this, not only has he has revealed that he’s unemployed, but he also exposed that the reason he is unemployed is because he is an asshole who lets stupid things like spelling errors drive him insane. Most likely his last job was at Blockbuster, but he quit because he felt that having the Employees Favorites section in the middle of the New Releases section completely threw off the alphabetical order of the whole wall and emotionally he couldn’t take it. What I like most about this kind of post is that I know that the person who posted it probably spent an extensive amount of time making sure that he didn’t make any spelling errors that would make him look stupid.
Unreal4 – Wow! It’s good to know that during a recession our reporters have time to keep us informed about this crap! Seriously?!? With gas prices what they are and the unemployment rate near 9%, this is what you’re writing about? Stupid chimps? Ridiculous. 6/7/11 12:42 pm EST
This is the person who thinks that the only thing that should be reported on is how terrible the world is. But this guy doesn’t understand the concept of a 24-hour news cycle. There’s only so much devastation that be reported on until a story about two horny chimps gets some attention. If the guy only wants to hear about how much everything sucks, he should go to Nancy Grace for his news. In her world, the only thing going on in this country is that little innocent caucasian kids are being molested. Watching Nancy Grace is like getting a play by play account on what was going on in the Neverland Ranch during the 90s. And as much as she likes to pretend that Caylee Anthony’s death infuriates her, it’s the only thing she has had to report on for the last three years, making her job as easy as a gym teacher’s.
ForRealGrl77 – I love chimps! They are so cute!!!! 6/7/11 12:46 pm EST
HoneyPot7 – Chimps suck. Gorillas are way better. 6/7/11 12:47 EST
Uh oh… is this what I think it is?
ForRealGrl77 – Are you nuts? 6/7/11 12:49 EST
I think it is!!!
HoneyPot7 – F*** you, slut! You’re nuts! 6/7/11 12:59 EST
POST FIGHT!!!!!!
I love the anger that goes into a good Post Fight. What starts out as comment about how much you love chimps ends with a stranger claiming that your great-grandfather had defective sperm. No matter what the subject matter is people are willing to fight online about it. I’m guilty of it. If someone posts that Jurassic Park 2 is better than the original on a movie website, I have no problem calling them an impotent Nazi.*
*Sorry DinoKid11, I get very passionate about the quality of the Jurassic Park movies after a few glasses of wine. Good luck in middle school.
