Hans-Rudolf Merz: From Foe to Friend

By Sean Patrick

When I decided to make Hans-Rudolf Merz this websites’ biggest enemy, I wasn’t aware of two things:

1) People actually hate him, and

2) I would grow to love him.

People seriously despise Hans-Rudolf Merz, and even though his haters are mostly Swiss, it still counts (sort of). That defeats the entire purpose of making him this websites enemy. The reason I picked Hansey as a foe was because the head of the Federal Department of Finance in Switzerland was the most random public figure I could think of to have a rivalry with. But I’ve come to find out that there’s an entire movement against this köngud (that’s Swiss for Sex God). There’s even an Anti-Hans-Rudolf Merz Facebook group! When did Switzerland get Facebook? I’m going to have to update my security settings. 

The Swiss have nothing to be mad about. They haven’t been to a war since 1815. We just entered two wars in the time that it took me to write that last sentence (you’re going down Virgin Islands!!!). And not only is Switzerland one of the richest countries in the world, but it also has the highest wealth per adult out of any country. Why would you hate  the head of the Federal Department of Finance when you have the wealthiest adults on earth? Are you mad that he’s too awesome at his job? Even the average Swiss toddler makes more money per year than Italian men.*

Hearing that others distrust Hans-Rudolf Merz took all the fun out of it. It even made me feel bad for him. And once I found this video of Hansey cracking up during a speech about spiced meats…

… my hatred diffused like a fart in an airplane.

That’s why this website no longer distrusts Hans-Rudolf Merz. Instead, seanssabbatical supports the life and work of Mr. Hans-Rudolf Merz and has declared so in the upper left-hand corner of the site. 

I know what you’re thinking…

Is Sean growing soft?

Is the website going to lose its edge?

Is seanssabbatical really not going to have an enemy?

Put your worries aside. Just because Hans is my new BFF doesn’t mean that I haven’t found someone to loathe. I’ve looked high and low and eventually found a person who stands for everything I hate. 

This waste of space is none other than…

Former Lithuanian Pop Sensation Linas Adomaitis!

There’s more to come on this asshole soon…

*statistic courtesy of www.seanssabbatical.com

Seanssabbatical Answers Tough Political Questions

By Sean Patrick

On the U.S. Involvement in the Conflict with Libya

Get out. We’ve done enough to the Asians.  

On Canada’s Involvement in the Conflict with Libya

Canada’s fighting someone? Come on, you’re going to make me pee my pants. 

On the Birthplace of President Barack Obama

I don’t think it’s possible that Obama was born in Hawaii. Why? Because there are no hospitals in Hawaii. It’s a fact. I’ve watched every episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter and they spend quite a bit of time in our fiftieth state. Wait, is Hawaii the fiftieth state? Or is that California? I guess it doesn’t matter. Anyways, Dog has never once gone to a hospital in Hawaii during an episode, and that’s because the state only has beaches, jails, and adult book stores. The question you should be asking is not if the president was born in Hawaii, but if anyone has ever been born in Hawaii. And the answer to that is no. 

On Where the President Barack Obama was Really Born

8 Mile.

On America’s Struggle with Obesity

Just watch Nutty Professor and realize how hilarious of a disease obesity can be. Then watch Philadelphia so you can realize how hilarious AIDS can be. 

About How to Decrease the Deficit

Steal money from Canada and blame it on Mexico.