A Response to My First Fan Letter

By Sean Patrick

Today I received what I consider to be my first fan letter. A woman whom I’ve never met read one of my old articles from back in 2009 and took the time to write me her thoughts on it. The post she stumbled upon was one where I pitched a morning talk show called “Sean Milna-HO! and the Early Morning Dingleberries.”

http://seanssabbatical.com/my-morning-radio-show-pitch

In it I describe myself as a shock jock, and I introduce the reader to the other people on my talk show known as The Dingleberries. The Dingleberries consist of Eileen, a 26-year-old attractive coed from Nebraska, Phil the Gross, a 33-year-old Asian with elephantitis of the face, Sleepy Susie, a 22-year-old in an induced coma, and Fred Durst, a douche. Together we make the most out of control group of misfits the radio has ever heard.

My new fan found this particular post and was very enthusiastic about my picture of Phil the Gross.

Phil the Gross

Here is what she sent me:

“Wtf is wrong with you! I mean really, you think it’s funny to post a picture of someone that had a tumor in their face and then clearly state a lie about that young man. What if that was you sir, ma’am, what ever you are. You’re a pack animal and feast on peoples pain, what ails you? You must not have anything better to do with your time then to create stories about others.”

Receiving a fan letter is both humbling and overwhelming. This particular fan letter is typical: full of compliments and questions. And because I want to be as fan friendly as possible, I am going to respond to every question and compliment that was given to me by my new fan…

A Response to my First Fan Letter

Wtf is wrong with you! I mean really,

Although I believe that this is a personal question reserved for psychiatrists and first-time sexual partners, because this is a special occasion I will answer it: 

Butt lice, extra nipples (seven), back-penis, nose hair that smells like farts, and dandruff plagued eyelashes.

you think it’s funny to post a picture of someone that had a tumor in their face and then clearly state a lie about that young man.

I’m sorry,  I don’t mean to be that guy, but you’ve asked two questions so far and have used zero question marks. But I digress. The short answer to your question is yes, I do think it’s funny to post a picture of someone that had a tumor in their face and then clearly state a lie about that young man. But let me ask you a question: what exactly gives you the impression that this person is young? Is it his haircut? Or is it because you don’t think that someone in his condition could live a long life? If that’s the case, I’m slightly repulsed by your generalization. 

What if that was you

Again, I’m really sorry, but I’ve yet to see a question mark. While tumor humor (rhyme!) doesn’t offend me, incorrect punctuation does (this excludes the incorrect use of colons and semi-colons since I don’t know how to use either). Please end each question with the proper typographical symbol. 

In regards to your inquiry, I feel that since I still get occasional pimple at the age of 29, I can fully relate to someone who has unwanted extra skin on their face. You think he has it bad? I went to a New Year’s party at the age of 27 with a huge zit on my forehead. So I don’t have to ponder ‘what if’ I was this person because in a sense, I am this person. Only I have a much more adult haircut. 

 sir, ma’am, what ever you are.

I don’t know either.

You’re a pack animal and feast on peoples pain,

This is by far the most masculine thing anyone has ever said about me. It makes me feel like some sort of wild boar. Thank you.

It has also easily beaten out “Aint no Holla Back Girl” when it comes to what I want etched on my gravestone. 

what ails you?

There’s that question mark! I was beginning to worry that your keyboard didn’t have one. 

As to what ails me, I would have to say butt lice, extra nipples (seven), back-penis, nose hair that smells like farts, and dandruff plagued eyelashes.

You must not have anything better to do with your time then to create stories about others.

I heard that. In fact, I devoted an entire year of my life to this practice. But now because I’m working again I’m only able to do this every once in a while, and find the inspiration to do so when I receive angry letters from strangers who have an odd sensitivity for tumor jokes.

**This website was created to entertain, not offend. If the persons whose picture I used in my post is offended or hurt by my words, I will gladly remove it from this site. Luckily I wont have to because in all likelihood he’s dead**

R.I.P.

What I Do On Sundays…

By Sean Patrick

I help film my friends make a shot-by-shot remake of the Perfect Strangers opening theme for a Crate and Barrel wedding contest. Unfortunately it was not my brilliant idea, and all I really did was press the red button on the camera, but I’m more than willing to take credit for all of it.

Compare the two, and VOTE FOR THEM at 

http://www.ultimateweddingcontest.com/entry/150930

The Lure of the Mustache

By Sean Patrick

This weekend I will be attending the Annual Mustache Bar Crawl sporting a headband, an offensive bar crawl shirt, and beautiful reddish-brown whiskers. When I mention to people that I am going on a bar crawl where many of the attendees grow a mustache, I’m often asked, “why?” While I don’t believe there is a completely logical answer to this question (other than “why not?”), I do think that sporting upper lip pubes has a certain appeal to it.

First off, because the consensus was that it made young and middle-aged men more attractive, mustaches were popular in the 80s.* So sporting a mustache now is like wearing a vintage 80’s t-shirt, only the vintage 80’s t-shirt reeks of Root Beer Schnapps and makes you look like a child molester. Gang members have proven that wearing throwback paraphernalia is cool (go Washington Bullets!), and the mustache is the throwback jersey of the face.

Another great thing about the mustache is that it’s like having a mullet on your face. There’s no doubt that the mullet is gross. But when you see someone above the Mason-Dixon Line with a mullet, you know they are probably awesome.** The same is true with the mustache. Wearing one around lets the world knows that you are willing to sacrifice your appearance to be hilarious, and not many people aside from Carrot Top and Sinead O’Connor are willing to do that.

The mustache beings us back to simpler times, when economic problems were adorable, Russians were intimidating, and elected officials were not criticized about their brain damage. So this Saturday I will wear my repulsive female-repellant mustache with pride. And then the next morning I’ll wake up and shave it so I can stop smelling the all the puke that is caught in there.

* This is no longer the case. Now the mustache is considered as appealing as acne scars and glass eyeballs.

**If a person below the Mason-Dixon Line has a mullet, it means that they have at least two swastika tattoos and shouldn’t be trusted on Spring Break trips.